Will things ever fall into place?

 I don't believe in karma or destiny. How can anyone with all the history we have witnessed and the evil out there. That's no one's destiny. No one deserves that. 

That being said one can't help but wish that things would just fall into place. That life would just be easy and perfect and happy.

I reject the notion that struggle is necessary. Having reached FIRE, I wish I could have had the confidence to know that it was going to happen. To have enjoyed the journey instead of trying to get there as fast as possible and becoming overcome with emotion when the years just inched by.

I wish I could confidently believe that love was coming my way. Like really believe, not in that mystical lip-service way. You know, all God's children are beautiful and things happens when you least expect it. Nothing good has ever happened to me by surprise or when I least expect it. That's just not reality.

We can't preach hard work and mystic results at the same time. That's just confusing. 

So tomorrow will make 1 work week in August. Then I'm sure lots of crying over the weekend.

I was watching one of my true crime shows and they mentioned a Kruger pistol. I guess they retail about $300. 

Wow a $300 ticket out of my life. Hm. 

Four days on the apps in my horrible town and it's a bunch of duds. Oldies and #povertyvibes.

One of my committee members tried to convince me that I was being hyperbolic about the availability of eligible bachelors in my town. The data doesn't lie.

Now I'm thinking of just staying put and reassessing whether I want to give Seattle a solid try by going for 9 months next spring.

I've been trying to compare weather, but really does it matter? 

I'm even lost about what I want in the guy. Honestly, I'm adaptable to most lifestyles I've encountered. I'm kind of an open book. As I've sad ad nauseum. I'm done living my life, I'm ready to live a life with someone else. So I have no compelling visions of what that would look like. 

Part of me wants a jet setting romance. There was some appeal of long-distance because of these short amazing bursts. That build up to something. But there are other things I think would be nice too.

I don't know anymore. 

Basically, on a good day - it's too much effort to get off the couch and imagine myself out of the Death House. On a bad day - Seattle seems like the solution out of my funk.