My week
Monday – Headache as soon as woke up. Dreams of being rich and silver spoon fed. Maybe my dream is to just live a year without worrying about work or money. Is that ok? Haven’t even had a chance to try out my new name. Looked up Japan again, maybe the JET program. But apparently there’s a lot of mold in Japan. Island weather?
Lightbulb moment: Duh! My big dream is to do nothing! Why has it taken me so long to say that. I felt like a failure. I felt bad that I didn’t have this beautiful family and beautiful house to spend time with and in if I were to quit work. I had to justify my own dream.
No, ma'm. My dream is to live a lackadaisical existence! To move and groove on my own time with my own dime. I spent so much of my youth having to be helpful so someone would keep me and take care of me.
From where I stand, there isn’t some higher purpose for my life at this moment. I feel no real calling on my life. Or if it’s there maybe I’m ignoring it? See there I go again.
I felt like a failure. I felt a little crazy like there was something wrong with me. I thought I needed to be committed for mental illness because I don’t want to do anything or help anyone. But I’m fine! This is what I have always wanted, much the way people say about motherhood or parenthood. NO, REALLY. THIS IS ALL I’VE WANTED.
Tuesday – My NEW life plan makes me smile. Makes me giddy. Makes me walk with a skip in my step! I really think I’m going to do it. Part of me kind of wants an audience, so I might document it. Just for all the aimless wanderers out there – there is a space for you too. After close to 35 years of searching for a purpose and searching for meaning without success, I’m just going to give up the ghost. I can die later (that's always Plan E right?), but for a year I can be worry free.
No, I’m not quitting to work on my novel or turn this blog into a profit machine. No, I’m not quitting to meditate and eat veggies and go to church and do mission work or build a school. Nope. I mean those things might be nice. But I’m not doing that. I’m living my aimless purposeless existence. I’m embracing my life more ordinary. I’m tired of feeling bad about it and doing nothing. Now I’m doing nothing and feeling good. Rocket science right? I googled all the things. And skimmed all the Bible passages. I’ve come up empty, world. Empty! The mini summits I had with my honest friends all lead to the same thing – no one (we know anyway) is really doing anything with their lives. People assign their own meaning to their life. The typical case is work, kids, and family. Ok, and if you don’t have those things or those things don’t add value to your life, then what? Nothing! Literally. I have yet to combust and die because while work serves a financial purpose (of which I am grateful), it and kids and family don’t get me out of bed in the morning.
Like, why did I need permission to live my own life. The theme is central -we all have this one life, but it was as though I was standing on the sidelines for someone to tag me in. I realized three years ago that I was a side kick in my own life and I sought to change that. When I realized I didn’t get far down that road, I felt like a failure.
But maybe I'm not. The languid lifestyle is the life for me.
I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal! I’m not broken or hopeless (but if you are, seek help, there are numbers for you to call). There's nothing wrong with me. I celebrate my truth that I enjoy doing nothing.
I’m not any more aimless than those living pre-fab lives.
I watch House Hunters nightly and so many want so badly for their houses to be interesting, full of character, but is that because of the bland pre-fabness of everyday life.
I’m not any more or less original then, I guess.
Wednesday - Been waking up so happy this week. And a bit productive too. Made single girl crockpot chili last night. Well I prepped it and put it in the crockpot this morning so I can come home to a nice warm bowl of chili on a breezy Halloween evening. I heart October in North Carolina! Got lots of candy and some things to watch tonight.
Thursday – Aunty MERJ having hearth catheterization +/- a stent placed. She withdrew all the money out of her account earlier this week. There is about $14 left. There goes my plans of paying myself back the four or five months of rent I had fronted. Oh well. It took five months of me helping her out to save about $1400 in her account and she withdrew $1200 in one month. Maybe she thought she was dying. Who can say.
Weird feelings at work. I hope nothing comes of it. Approached again about taking more of a leadership role for same pay. I don’t mind the work if I thought it would lead to more pay, but it doesn’t at least not right away. And I’d be working with part of the leadership team I don’t particularly care for (so much drama, fan fare and attention-seeking behavior #notaboutthatlife). Lots of married women who are used to having something to say to someone about everything! Everything! All. Day. Overall not taking on more responsibility probably seems a little short sighted from the outside looking in, but I’m cautious lately with my emotional state. I really need to churn out my love-hate post about my job. Hate is a strong word. I don’t hate my job.
New life motto: If it makes your life easier or simpler, say yes.
Friday - I’m so glad you’re here. Why is it so hard to be a human?! This week was actually not that bad. Praise the Lord I am here to talk about it. My inner demons haunt me.
And this blogging thing. Sucks up my time and energy. But when I try blogging daily, Brain says do it weekly. When I try weekly, Brain says do it monthly. When I try to take a break, I have now been checking blog email and blog site before and after work; posting and commenting; and checking blog during the day. The only thing I’m not doing is engaging in FB and Twitter and Pinterest. I had planned to take some time off since late October. But I just found different things to do; example I spent over an hour the other day just playing with the wording in my About Me blurb (below).
Made crockpot chili earlier this week. It’s pretty mediocre. And I was so excited and proud of myself for making it. That's all folks!
TV this week: Sierra Burgess is a Loser, Very Cavallari
Takeout this week: $9 Peruvian
Your turn
How was your week? What did you do? See? Feel? Think? Decide? How's your life journey in general?
Related Content:
- Last week's update
- And the week before that
We’ve all been in the same situation. Our lives sometimes aren’t what we wanted them to be, but every day we get up there’s a chance of obtaining it.
ReplyDeleteNot wanting to do anything is natural. I’d love to quit work. Make a full time living from my blog. And do what I want, when I want. One day that will happen because similar to every other successful person out there, I’ll never give up. So don’t feel bad about your life. Get up, work towards your goals, and you’ll eventually get what you dream of. Every success starts with a dream.
Doing nothing is not doing nothing. You are Just Being. And why is that not enough in of it's self? If just being makes you happy then go just be. I get it. I don't want to be doing loads. Yes, I'd like to do country walks and grow my own veg but very much on a pottering basis. Just Being sounds extremely peaceful and enticing.
ReplyDeleteLegit, my goal in life is to live on an island and just do nothing. Literally. Not to open a business (I mean, maybe? I always joke I want to open a tiki hut on a beach, but I think I'd rather just work some afternoon shifts at one and not own it), definitely don't want a family, etc. I just want to wake up and be able to enjoy my life on my time. I just want to BE. Preferably on an island.
ReplyDeleteIf it was up to me, I would rent a little studio apartment and stack my cash and move to Thailand when I turned 40. Alas, my partner is knee-deep in the (North) American Dream life so we rent a boujie condo (he refuses to live anywhere without indoor garage parking, for his fancy car) so my goal now is to make as much as I can to buy property here that cash flows so I can eventually take time off whenever I want to visit peaceful island. I suppose this still works, as I take care of my mum and she wouldn't move to Thailand with me so this Plan B to get to island life works.
There's no "failure" it wanting this simple life. You know what I noticed in working over a decade in finance? Many people with the big fancy house and family and job also wish they could move away somewhere peaceful to do....nothing. So maybe getting to that point of wanting the peace is success, and not failure.
This is very positive, Andy. Thank you! I feel like I'm just not as motivated as other people though. Some people seem to thrive off hard work and accomplishment. For me if I can not work hard and also not accomplish anything, I'd be ok.
ReplyDeleteYes, it would be nice for a little while. Having so much trouble when that time is. Now? In 5 years? When I have more money. Then I sometimes wonder if it's just a grass is greener scenario. It can't be that much fun or wouldn't more people be doing it?
ReplyDeleteHaha yesss, so nice to find a like-minded individual. Yes, having cool outcomes would be nice, but I'm just not willing to do the work required to make anything else happen. Chiang Mai keeps popping up on House Hunters...you can get pretty nice simple housing for < $500. Indoor garage parking...lol...never even crossed my mind. But we also don't get horrid winters here in the Southeast.
ReplyDeleteSo your mum would go to to the island then?
If wanting the peace is success...then I've been there!! Yay!!
So how did you get through 10 years of career work by your 30s...geez I just started.
Living in Chiang Mai sounds like perfection. I lived in Asia for a year (Hong Kong) and traveled to Thailand and would live there in a heartbeat. It's that mama wouldn't. She's old school European and I don't think she could hack long-term travel in a vastly different culture. So my dream would be to have some property either in the Caribbean or Mediterranean that I can escape to every so often, and she would be able to join.
ReplyDeleteI started working full-time at 18, when I started university full-time! I come from a single-parent family and I know mama would give me the world but wasn't able to, so I knew if I wanted anything in life, I had to get it myself, so working full-time regardless of full-time student status seemed like the only way for me. Therefore, technically 14, almost 15 full-time years under my belt so far!
Write me the How-to guide... my boss's wife is retiring after 36 years and the girl on the other side of the cube has been doing this for 22 years... i am struggling and i'm just 1 month into year 4!
ReplyDeleteI can write the guide looking backwards when I had the energy of someone in their 20's, but now.... girl, I'm so over it. I wanted to be living that beach life yesterday. I'm envisioning 10 more years (although I would've liked to quit at 40) but I literally don't even know how I'll make it to the end of next week....
ReplyDelete"I wanted to be living that beach life yesterday."
ReplyDeleteHilar.
I wish I knew what life I wanted next, other than that #earlyretirelife.
If you're on a no-spend challenge, maybe I'll do a no-thinkingaboutquitting challenge. On second thought, if I do that, I'll probably rebel and do the unthinkable... ;/