No news was just no news

 So I was feeling a little empowered when I got an interview offer 1 day after applying. After being rejected, well, you know where I am.

Maybe that's where my sour mood started.

That and this monstrous task my boss tasked me with. I hit a wall this weekend where I just felt sick to my stomach and completely unmotivated to do this job let alone this task. 

Yet somehow, I can't seem to will myself to apply elsewhere. The MI team said I would be the type of candidate they would want to apply, not the same to me as the type of candidate they would hire.

I just don't feel overwhelmingly positive that they will hire me. What I haven't told anyone I work with is I've already applied for an MI job with my company 4 times prior to joining. Obviously, they didn't choose me.

And as I was scripting yet a 3rd 200-slide deck, that same vomitous feeling that I get when writing research papers returned. And in my mind, that's what working in MI would really be like. But part of me thinks... I doubt it. I secretly think some of those MI roles might be pretty cushy. 

So mostly, I'm not applying because I've already been rejected 4 times and to add that to actually spending my days writing research papers. No thanks. 

My boss used "as we discussed" with me. I find that incredibly passive aggressive. Well, just aggressive. It just has such a negative connotation to me. Like I'm being reprimanded. And then it feels like a co-worker essentially told on me during a conversation we were having. And then my manager, in my mind, reprimanded me about it. But really I'm thinking, if the call center isn't medical information, then what the heck are we doing. 

Then in a conversation yesterday, she commented how another co-worker seems to work like 24 hours a day. And I'm thinking.. and me? Granted she didn't say...unlike you, but I implied it in my mind. 

And this is after the weekend where I was essentially working through tears. Like those darn Knowledge articles, I don't think she appreciates the sheer volume of effort required for me to get the trainings ready. I literally was like I can't come up with any more scenarios or review questions. Like my brain was out of creative juices. 

I put a lot into training Week 1. And the agents complained. And they're still complaining. So I feel like I almost have to present content in anticipation of feedback. And that's stressful. It's like teaching to the test, you know.

My money journey wasn't particularly motivating. 

I just don't know what to do. Do I eat the celery or the minestrone soup. Ugh, both things I despise but in desperate hunger would be really yummy, I'm sure. 

I don't know how to emotionally manage this job. 

Oh did I tell you I asked for a raise.

But as I look around the team outside of my manager's direct reports, a lot of people are putting in a lot of hours.  So that feels like a bust.

I just don't know what level to perform at or what attitude to take with this team. 

I do feel stuck, which isn't great. 

I do want to move on, which isn't great. 

It's just easier to suffer than to want something more. 

But yes to be reminded that you're on the outs hurts. 

And just to continue my self-destruction, I was sent a survey to review my manager.... I put some times in the what can they improve on section and sent it to her an hour or so ago.

I cried out to God and He heard my prayer

 He leaves me often, but I cried out to Him and He answered back. Nothing is set in stone, but I have 2 phone screens on Monday. 

I'm sure I'll be devastated afterward, but for now I feel heard.

My neck and right hard and right shoulder are ringing and sore. My entire wrist, arm, and shoulder and neck and back. 

I wasn't sure if I should mark the phone screen as private on Outlook, but I left 1 as private and the other as open, so my boss can see it if she tried.

Gotta get back to the grind. 

What have I gotten myself into?

 So like the true self-destructive person I am, I couldn't leave well enough alone. I responded to an email in my inbox from my manager and did the thing I wasn't sure I still wanted to do.

In a moment of temporary insanity I asked if it would be easier for her and her #2 if I did all the trainings. She jumped on that within minutes. 

Fail. You failed the test, woman! And with that - there's no turning back. I can't stay here. I can't stay in a place where it's acceptable to dump 6 weeks worth of work on someone at the drop of a hat. Unacceptable. 

It's 5:42pm, and I haven't even begun the tasks I need to do just today to start prepping for this 6-Week Training. 

At the very least I'm asking for a raise - either at our next 1:1 or after the training starts. There is one on Thursday. 

I was a little excited to be able to show off some training skills. I doubt the agents will appreciate it - do learners ever care? But hopefully it'll impress my manager.

Then in the kitchen as I was stuffing myself with emotional eats, I had a moment of clarity. This is probably why #2 just lets things slip. If she's been dealing with this madness for the 6 months before I got here, then she's probably had enough. As I was typing this, I was thinking it had been longer, but technically, when they were transitioning the vendor they were still 14 strong I believe - am I wrong on that? 

My timeline says she didn't get the role until Dec 2019, so really she wouldn't have been overworked prior to that. So I don't know then. 

But I did feel a little bit of compassion for her. 

Anyway soon after my manager agreed to let me take on this burden on a moment's notice, I logged on to my personal email and sent an email to one of my old managers from Call Center #1 just casually mentioning to let me know if there are any openings. 

Surprise, surprise! I have a phone screening invite for next Monday for a job I applied for last night. Wowzers. So that was exciting and immediately un-exciting because I know better than to get excited. Oh well. 

The Thing With Righteous Indignation

 So as you know, yesterday I was going to blow up my life. Then this morning I had an update. 

So Sundays are generally rough. I circle through life and career decisions and personal life decisions. Often times making bad decisions just so I can exit the decision-making loop.

Yesterday, my manager seemed to be taking me down the road where I felt she and her #2 were conspiring against me, so to sort of draw a line in the sand I was going to offer to do ALL the training and update ALL the training decks.

But this morning at around 7a, it seems #2 did fill in one of the 4 weeks to do the training and sent out the invite she was supposed to have sent out on Friday. 

So I don't know what to do - should I still offer to do that? I mean I do still think 3 of the weeks might fall on me. But I feel less like they're conspiring against me and just disorganized. 

Disorganized is less offensive than conspiracy but I'm not a fan of the instability in either case.

And I'd already started on the warpath to reach out about a job posting.

The recruiter didn't respond when I asked what they're looking for - other recruiters have. Hmm. So that makes me nervous. Yes, my mind is already spiraling about all the worst possible outcomes for a job I haven't even applied for! And I also spoke to this recruiter under a dummy application before I was hired internally for another position. I was a little nervous that he might figure it out but given the level of disorganization, I assessed the risk to be low. 

Anyway, so I plowed a head with that eventhough I'm still confused about what I want to do with this team.

I mean not really that confused. I definitely want to leave- just not sure that I really have that option. Sometime in the middle of the night, I dreamed about quitting even with no prospects and just begin initiating The Final Countdown. 

I mean I did already decide this was my last job - it was just a matter of which path I would take once it ended. 

As I'm typing this my manager is emailing me about talking about the training decks tomorrow. Mind you, training starts next Tuesday and we still don't have things finalized!

So I guess my righteous indignation not withstanding, I'm going to do nothing. I know by Thursday or Friday when nothing has changed, I'll be wishing I had said something. 

I guess it's not too late. 

So where am I:

Am I following up with the recruiter about MI Planning job? Yes, I already did but feel a bit deflated that he chose to be unresponsive. 

Am I following up with the incumbent employee about MI Planning job? Yes, she is out today, but I have notifications set for tomorrow. 

Am I following up with the hiring manager about the MI Planning job? I don't know. 

What am I doing about my current job:

    Am I going to offer to do all the training and update all the decks? I don't know. I'm tired of feeling not in control of my tasks and outcomes in this role. I am not a day laborer. I like knowing what comes next. I like knowing what my expectations are and how I will be evaluated. I shouldn't be this frustrated for a job that has such little impact. How does everyone navigate seemingly so well. 

I thought talking it out on the blog would help, but I'm still pretty frustrated. 

Oh, did I also mention yesterday in the Sunday madness, I wrote out about 3 bullets asking for a raise. Gosh! At the very least, for now, I'll only pull the trigger on that Ask if I do offer and they accept for me to do ALL the training and training updates. 

Is this another setup?

 I don't know if I blogged about the last setup. My manager "We" 'd me into being the point person for our last audit. We had this whole meeting with me, her and her #2 (aka "My Buddy") where we were going down the audit checklist and it was essentially a dialogue between the two of them. They pretended they couldn't find the attachment on the invite. 

Then when #2 finally pulled it, #2 was going down the checklist and my manager was answering the question...as though she was going to be the point person. Literally saying things like "Oh, okay, yes, then I can say this... I feel good about that... or I can reference that document... #2, send that to me so I have it ready."

I kid you not, I was just an audience member to their dialogue. I was fine with it because I still don't feel like I know the true way this program operates. And My Buddy has been glorified for getting my manager through an audit last year and "they took over the call center." 

I really am still fuzzy on what part of the onboarding my buddy was a part of because a few people went on site, so maybe some went to the North site and others went to the South site? And the vendor seems really comfortable with #2. 

I don't know anyway. The point was at the end of the meeting, my manager maneuvered the conversation into her being too busy to be the point person and My Buddy being out of office for some of the days of the audit. So naturally, that left me. 

These trainings and the accompanying decks has been the cluster of all clusters. So our company loves "workstreams." So my buddy is part of this training workstream and has been attending these meetings - I will say for the meetings I've attended with her, especially my first six months - I just took her lead... saying nothing and contributing little. I thought that was the way to do it. And it might be, but you know I listen slow.

Anyway, get to the point, MERJ!

So there has been a lot of angst about this training. My manager has been saying, per the contract "we" have to provide the vendor the training. But of course delegating is not her go-to. She inserts herself and may or may not see it to completion. So then everyone is sort of left unclear on what her role will be in the future. 

Anyway 1,000 RACI charts later, (note, I stopped filling them out and paying attention after the first 3), my manager, another director and and an AD and his minion were sort of leading the creation of the training decks. Then that stopped and I lost track of who was exactly supposed to be doing it. Honestly, I knew it was going to be a mess, I just was unclear whose responsibility it was to clean it up.

Mine!

My manager's #2 was communicating with the vendor I thought. She procured some names and I thought she was getting agreement on the schedule but she's been having some sort of communication that I'm certainly not a part of. So, so far, she gave them the schedule, but this is after my manager stepped in and presented the schedule to them. So then the schedule was decided, #2 sent it to the workstream lead who reformatted it (ugh, that was just annoying). 

In between this - my manager sent out an email that "we" were to put our names next to the trainings we wanted to do. Due by Friday. No one did it but me. Then she sent out another email to put your initials next to the trainings by Wed. Still no one did it but me. 

Mind you by now, the training has gotten pushed back from Week of Apr 6 to week of April 13.  My manager for some reason agreed to this because the training workstream lead had a "miscommunication." 

I find that difficult to believe also. 

#2 is off Week of Apr 6. So that was confusing, I thought she would want to get out of training. 

Anyway, when I added back just an overview of the training schedule (the one the workstream lead had changed), I tagged my manager in a comment that I'd added the overview back and put her name next to where it was on Training Schedule 1.

About an hour or so ago, she commented that she'll have to check her calendar because she'd only signed up for that week because #2 was out of the office.

What does that even mean?

So was she (my manager) not supposed to help with the training at all? My brain just told me this was a setup. #2 is gone this week so she's not signing up for anything and the training is supposed to start next week.

I'm tired of guessing. I don't want to get into the habit of picking up everyone's slack because my programs were cancelled.

I think for me it's the last minute-ness of it. Or really the feeling of it being an afterthought when I suspect it was their plan all along. Or at least somewhere along the way. 

If you knew you wanted me to do the training all along, why all the pretense and why didn't you just say so? 

When I look back, so much of it makes sense. I did the first walkthrough with the vendor. She would try to "include" me in her confusing walkthroughs. None of my other teammates were really responding to her pleas for help. Because to me it felt like they already knew that this was going to get dumped on me.

And now there's no plausible deniability if I'm solely responsible for this. 

I feel 0% confident in my ability to do this to the standard I would like. And I don't want this mediocre product to be any part of my legacy.

That's what gets me. I'm not held to the same standard as they are. The client seems to adore them and I don't get the same vibe from them when I run meetings. 

There's so much talk and so much conversation, I don't know what the decisions are.

I think this is the last stop for me. I just don't know what my next move is.

Right now: I've asked God for a lifeline out of the chaos. This has got to be the last thing that frustrates me - so if I stay, I really need to commit to mediocrity or I'm going to go crazy. Then I start to think about Knowledge and that dumb white man's comment about "we" updating the 120 articles...when apparently we just means me. It's not fair because I actually care.

I wish you could've seen the article he wrote compared to what I wrote. And no one cares about his mediocrity. Honestly. I know we're getting paid the same, I can just feel it in my bones. 

So here was my emotional reaction:

I'm going to offer to deliver the 6 weeks of training, you know "if it's easier for everyone." For me it's a test and a bait. If they go along with it and don't split it up equally, I'll know where I stand once and for all.

I feel stupid and desperate for being so easily seduced by the little bit of attention she pays to me. I was in such a deep dark low place that just any little kindness made me feel needlessly loyal to this woman. I really thought she was God-sent. 

God's gifts shouldn't hurt this much. I feel seduced by Satan. 

I certainly wasn't any happier at Call Center #1 or Call Center #2 but at least at Call Center #1, ...well I was going to say things were fair... but they weren't fair there either - lest we forget Bubbles. And Call Center #2 - they tried to offer a better position to a white woman with no experience. 

I guess what was better at call center #1 and Call center #2 was that I was paid for my time, the workload was easy and expected, and at Call Center #1 nothing was sprung on me. It was very much a transactional job. I clock in, answer calls, and clock out. I literally never had to think about that place until I clocked back in the next day. 

I think what has made me especially anxious is saving all this money and getting really close to my FIRE goal only for the market to go into some sort of depression and I have to work 10 more years to get my money back. It just feels inevitable. I'm out of resolve, you hear me!

I'm feeling a lot of feelings. 

Yesterday, I worked about 10 to 12 hours on those articles. And for what. I just feel like either the final product will belie the actual work put into it because it's still not what I would like it to be or someone will swoop in to save the day. The impact of my effort just seems so minimal. Like it just feels like all that work was for nothing, but why can't I stop working on it?!  I already know there's no trophy and no monetary reward. 

What's my end goal, I can't oust My Buddy. And if she did leave, I don't want her job. I definitely don't want her direct repots. Ick. 

The Beginning of Another Wasteful Saturday

 It's been at least an hour of just clicking around my computer, sweating the small stuff. What have I accomplished - zilch. 

Instead I'm focusing on what my co-worker is not doing. I'm stewing about the Basic Bonus. I've opened a few documents and clicked around and when the mental load was too much, I clicked out of it and let my mind wander.

I just can't drag myself into my home office this morning. It's cold and I just don't want to.

So I brought the laptop in my room. I said, well if I do anything today it has to be work-from-bed.  It's not working. 

So I shut the laptop and then immediately opened it. 

What do you do when you have work to do but just can't or won't do it. 

That's where I am. Churning for the bonus made this decision easier. Money is a motivator. Even if my buddy got 115%, I would be motivated that my number was higher. But I know that's just a red herring.

Am I really going to have to make 6 to 12 powerpoints on short notice? I think part of me just wants to see this car crash ahead. 

My manager has sent at least 2 emails for us to review the decks that the training workstream created. No one else has done it. 

My Buddy is off next week and I know her White Man direct report will just say he did it, but either won't do it or will do nothing that requires work. 

No one has really filled out the training schedule she's asked us 2 or 3 times to fill out - except me. 

My Buddy was sending out a training invite, but I didn't receive it. 

In the grand scheme of things, this is pretty small, but somehow very magnified in my mind. Get over it, little girl! 

I'm just a bored, discontented child in this moment. 

I'm not getting any answers so I feel stuck. Or the answers I'm getting don't jive with the direction I thought we were headed or that make that much sense or just seem like harbinger of duplicate work to come. 

So I guess today is going to be an unproductive stewing Saturday. And oh, look another 30 minutes just passed!

Laundromat, 125%, and Grace

 After more than 3 months of funk, I finally made it to the laundromat. My white sheets were getting quite discolored. I looked at one tanktop that I probably wore for 3 weeks straight, and it was actually brown. 

The best part was I did it during the workday. I completed some tasks last night which afforded me some leeway this afternoon after my 1p meeting was cancelled.

It was a slow news day for the most part. 

Some updates:

I may have written it already but I decided to give 125% at work. I was reading some blogger's post and they had advised their daughter that if their employer pays them $1, they should give $1.25 worth of effort. It doesn't necessarily jive with another inspiring post where you are encouraged to treat yourself as a consultant demanding higher salaries with solving pain points and switching jobs. 

Switching jobs has led to more negative outcomes than good ones for me. So not worth it. And I'm not fluent in corporate code, so making demands has only led to frustrations. I've tried many of the tricks in the book, but it is hardwork trying to be someone else and develop this soft skill and do my job. 

I could've lied today and I wish I did. See what I mean, I'm so anxious and disempowered, that's tough to shake. While at the laundromat, a colleague asked me to let her know when I was out of a document so she could edit it. I remember closing it but couldn't confirm since I wasn't on my laptop. A fluent corporate code speaker or "creative storyteller" would have just confidently said, I'm not in it or just feigned ignorance (even if they were sure/unsure or knew there were in it). It didn't even occur to me to lie. I think I felt guilty for "leaving work" and going to the laundromat and I had actually considered driving back home to log out of the document. 

One thing I did do was say, I'm not at my computer can you force me out. What a fluent person would have said was, just force me out, I'm not in it. And kept it moving. 

Although, I wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong, I don't want people knowing I'm "not working." Because when you're a girl that looks like me, your perceived "mistakes" follow you. But I really can't care right now. 

And of course because I'm still not fluent, I came back home and made sure to let the colleague know that it was in fact not my error. Ugh. Can't let things go.

I'm especially less forgiving and more anxious when I'm already anxious about something else or feeling a lot of pressure. 

Which I am because I have this like looming to do list that I can't quite wrap my head around. #Groupwork

It's just pending and making me crazy.

Again with these slide decks. We just keep going in circles and I just have this fear that a ton of work is going to get dumped on me. My manager even assigned a deck to My Buddy but in the same breath offered to do it if My Buddy doesn't get it done. What?!

I can't be bothered. 

And then her direct report I've asked to keep track of his updates in the new database, and he was like oh, we'll just batch update them when it's time for Go Live. I'm like we-who?? This just feels like another thing I'll have to manage. 

As much as I love my manager, her management style has some things I'd like to tweak.

But then of course I felt bad this week because she did make a point to interact with me yesterday via text, and it actually helped calm me down. And during one of the demos, I got so excited I asked 2 of the agents if they wanted to share their screen and walkthrough one of the steps. 

One flatly refused. The other agreed but felt embarrassed and put on the spot. But then afterward it occurred to me, this is what my manager has been doing to me. I have been feeling very hateful towards her when she does that - puts me on the spot. But now I see it from her perspective. I think she just thinks because she can do it and is maybe enjoying it, that I would want to take part. NO! 

And it's funny because when I was facilitating, I was thinking, I'm an active learner, if I'm one of the agents, I would want a turn to show off my learning or get help. How quickly we lose our ability to empathize. 

So then I had to offer my manager some grace and of course it made me like her more. I think she just wanted to include me. That's what I wanted to do for the agents. I felt with the agents it was pretty low risk, but now I can see that my manager probably felt the same way because she is very forgiving. 

But I still hated it. I don't like looking like an idiot or being confused - at least not in front of her or when other people are watching. 

But it's funny that that happened just a couple days after I was so annoyed when my manager put me on the spot to lead an impromptu training I wasn't prepared for. 

Oh and I realized, I didn't actually reach $400k sometime in March. One of my account aggregators pulled an account in twice. My investments are much closer to the $300k mark than $400k. 

Now $400k that seemed so close seems so far away!

With the growing list of tasks I have to do, it feels like the high school or graduate school days when you had a paper to write. Even if you had the time, doesn't mean you could find flow or the ideas would come. 

It's adding stress to my life and I can feel my eye on the verge of a nervous/anxious twitch, but I can't find a place to dive in. 

I'm just going to say it - I'm not that impressed with our vendor. There I said it. 

Oh and a colleague tried to pin some blame on me yesterday, and I was like.. unh, unh, this is your process. Please own it. How dare you!

I did succeed in not calling anyone the whole work week or complaining about work to anyone else. And I technically didn't apply for any jobs. I did get a rejection from a role that I was for sure I'd at least get a screening for. So that was nice! So there's that.