I'm not even good at phoning it in

 So I already knew that when I follow what other people do, I usually have to suffer different consequences. Remember that PowerPoint that I had to do that I just couldn't bring myself to spend the requisite minimum 4 hours to do? Well, it keeps resurfacing its ugly ahead.

My first hour was a pure copy and paste job from a Technical Guide. I didn't even give it a once over before submitting for review. I really didn't think anyone would notice given some of the stuff I've seen come through my inbox. 

I got half a dozen comments from my manager. I did preface it with that I just copy and pasted. As much as I am trying to do only the work I'm compensated for, I still want to save face. Like, listen... I am acknowledging that this is not my best work. Don't judge me. 

It took another hour of revisions with the help of a subject matter expert. Okay, so now we're up to 2 hours.

Then it went through a group review. If I do what she suggests, I feel like it's another 1 hour added to my time. 

So I saved maybe 1 hour, and then I still have to probably spend another hour actually learning what's on the slides or prepping somehow before I present it.

So was that worth it? In this case it doesn't seem that way. I potentially saved no time and effort and just got my feelings hurt and potentially now a lot of people have seen my mediocre work. So much for that. 

I certainly didn't gauge this correctly. Ugh. 

And now a part of me still wants to overcompensate and add a little zhoush to the presentation day-of. But who knows at this point. Whatever I do, it will take me at least 4 more hours. And that doesn't include the time spent thinking about it and mulling it over. Or the scratch notes I've already made. 

Then it occurred to me - my mindset is I'm not really growing professionally in this job. Management is a lot of admin work. I haven't really had one original idea. It's mostly just executing on tasks. So, in 9 months there's nothing I feel I've learned that's a marketable technical skill, and I already know I can't sell soft skills. So that's part of my discontent for this job.

But today I thought...or... I could consider this job the perfect culmination of things I'm already good at. I mean, I learned PowerPoint in high school. I already know how to answer emails. And I could say I have the 5 years of experience in the Call Center, but naturally the white leadership team at the vendor had no call center experience and they're in similar roles. And then there's the white man on my team they hired with no experience also to do this job. So that makes it really hard to buy into the alternate narrative. 

Unless somehow I can stop comparing myself to other people. Unlikely. I was trying to find some solace in other people's internet stories and I read an article that kind of stated it plainly, your job is not a meritocracy. So, true! I literally get paid the same as someone creating a PowerPoint that took 1 hour vs 8 hours.  PowerPoint is just not a skill I need to develop. So it's hard to justify it. 

And I'm not getting paid to be a trainer. So I don't know how to navigate this. Doing my best is just burnout territory. It's not the smart way to approach the corporate world, so I'm in need of some direction. 

Oh something neutral happened. I got all excited because for yet a third time, my manager brought up the birthday taco lunch I cancelled. So I thought, oh my gosh she really likes me. Then thought, oh my gosh, is this my chance to talk about the bonus!! Neither. I did schedule it for today, so yay, at least it can't come up again. But we ended up using the time to continue a meeting that ran over.