When Over Achievement is a Lifestyle But You're Just Average

 Maybe that's what hitting me so hard about the Basic Bonus and just my job overall. I hate that I'm lumped in with people I consider average. If I'm being petty and nasty, I spent a lot of money and time getting a lot of degrees because people told me I was smart and gifted and talented and these were my trophies. 

I think I just feel tricked that in the end that was not an efficient use of my time or money or time or time or time or time. Do you get the picture. Almost everyone I work with is a Bachelor's degree holder from whatever local college that was nearby. 

I could have done that if I had known we'd all end up in the same place.

I could have done that if I had known I truly had nothing original to say, and being smart...nay...good at school really wouldn't matter after school ended. 

I think that's the loss I haven't been able to identify but am truly grieving. I tried to choose an ordinary life because I thought an extraordinary life wasn't worth the risk. But if I'm honest, deep down inside I thought extraordinary was my destiny no matter what I did. 

The realization that I was wrong is likely at the heart of the matter. The Basic Bonus, my chaotic work environment, my hyperactive boss, my complacent co-workers are just red herrings for the real problem. In keeping company with them, I realize I'm not that special. This is as good as it's ever going to get and I didn't need to want for more. 

The only thing I  can't figure out easily is if staying at Call Center #1 would have given me the ability to reach the financial milestones I hit in 2020. I don't know if that was market gains or not. 

So I'm sorry to my boss for all the mean thoughts and to my co-worker that I internally disparage and mean-girl (yes, I'm using that as a verb). Luckily she doesn't know it. I'm really just disappointed and I've been taking it out on them. I've been looking for some hope of the life I was promised and every time that hope is dashed I fall deeper into despair. When all I need to do is stop hoping. I generally shut down pie-in-the-sky dreams that people parrot back to me when they try to make me feel better when these are conversations I need to keep having with myself. 

For a moment in time, I dared to hope for more. I wanted to join the rat race and win. I didn't. I just got stuck on the hamster wheel - turning and churning.

Too many analogies? 

Le sigh. 

Putting my head down looks different today. As I did in Call Center #2 when I realized none of those job opportunities panned out, so I need to do now. I can relax a little. This is my last job. I can live a little. This is my last job. I can still do good work. This is my last job. I can work some nights and weekends. This is my last job. It's definitely not forever, and it's not even for that much longer in the grand scheme of things. 

I give it until the end of the year - primarily because I anticipate everyone will be returned to work by then. I have no desire to relocate for this job so that might be the natural parting of ways. It's going to have to be okay. 

This is the plan (God has) for my life, it doesn't necessarily mean it's better than the opportunity I saw for myself. This is just my destiny. And it's 100% different than what I would have chosen for myself. 

Do not grow weary; do not be discouraged.