Still fine

 Work started with a stressful email today. To which I had a response. I am also learning to just 'take the abuse' as one colleague said.

No matter how I try to look at it, my preference is just to stay until 2026. I just can't make 2025 make sense right now. 

So yeah there's that. 

Cookie hunting for spring seems to have popped up. And African food! So double yay! 

But on the work front... there are definite musings of trying to find another internal job by year's end. But also acknowledging that I can trudge through this if I have to. There is some twisted pleasure in having an undesirable last year so that there's less risk of staying!

But honestly if I approach it with a 'yessss, massa' attitude, it makes it more tolerable. 

and all is good again!

 Phew... while I spent quite a bit of friday and saturday thinking abou ursula (new name for my work colleague), sunday I found a bit of respite as I was social. Yay! and my recliner came in. I'm officially an old person!!!

anyway, i waited until this morning after some thought to send an email...and even decided to wait until I met with my mgr for our 1:1.

He started the meeting and before i got to my list of items i wanted to discuss he told me that ursula is moving to another submission and....get this!... i'll be taking over her old submission as a lead!!

it's bittersweet...

- well, it means it's confirmed i'm not working with her for the short term or the long-term = yay!! because i don't have to work with her much after this week AND i don't have to have what would be a tough conversation for me!! and i don't have to worry about repercussions. !!! 

- And it means that i'm still trusted with more responsibility...so my big concern with ursula's shenanigans is that it would affect my job/ job security; but if they're entrusting me with more responsibility, then, that makes that moot.

It was quite a bit of relief all at once and i was parsing together why it all felt so good in real time. but i could immediately feel relief since i'd already identified my pain points.

so the email and conversation seemed wholly unnecessary. yay! and i'm just so proud of myself for sleeping on it...even though it cost me some hours of sleep..it eventually resolved itself. i'm okay being in this phase of my life where if i'm 'patient' enough....non-essential things work themselves out. yay old age.

so yeah, i do still have some breakthrough anxiety....but luckily it doesn't become too widespread that it feels like the sky is falling! 

so yeah, wanted to share the good news. 

i was feeling so good, i baked some TJ banan bread muffins..can't wait to munch on those shortly. And I tidied up the kitchen and ran a load in the dishwasher!!

overall feeling really good!

and with the Gift cards off my plate, that's been suchhhhhhh a relief!!

i'm even thinking of ordering some african food - yum!

anyway...back to enjoying my happy life as my co-worker used to say!!

Feeling a bit better

 I just drafted the email to my co-worker and ccing my boss. I had drafted just an informative email and was unsure how much I wanted to refer to the goings on. 

But I think to help squash it, I just added a couple sentences that focused on I statements. 

But also gave me a bit of a voice so that her opinion isn't the only thing my boss is hearing.

I feel good about this and hopefully it'll help this snafoo to dissipate.

Expectations

- she will come back with non-sense but at least I will have made a statement

- we might have a meeting - which will suck, but I don't care

Ok, on to other things.

Next trying to decide if it's worthwhile to find a new therapist (on Headway) that might be able to write for FMLA...woot!! 

Confidence with a side of anxiety

 Make that a big helping.

It's Sunday, and I'm feeling some nervous stomach.

I feel very confident that I am going to reach my FI number by the date I set out. 

In the same vein, I feel very confident I'm not going to reach it any earlier, so that thought doesn't even stay very long in my brain for me to entertain it. 

Reading how confident Purple has been in all her declarations makes me feel confident to publicly declare it. No more fear of 'jinxing' it somehow. 

Stuff happens. It just does. 

I'm not ready to share with the people I know just yet. But I realized I did share it with another person I just met. And I've been sharing it with some of my new friends. So that's inconsistent. 

That doesn't make me anxious. Surprisingly!!

So I've made some visual aids using Purple's examples on a Saturday to distract myself. I really just like thinking about and dreaming about it. I don't think I'll need it because again the confidence that it will happen.

Granted lots of swan dives could happen but my medicated brain doesn't even entertain that thought.

Even when I think of quitting my job because I don't want to work, the feeling doesn't last too long because reaching this goal seems almost certain. So my logical brain just takes over, like it's not worth it.

And because I have a couple of achievable things I want to do first:

- pay off my car

- go to Australia

- go to East Africa

- take at least 6 weeks off first

My plan is all but solidified. 

And honestly the thought of making a new plan is not very appealing.

So what's making me angsty -

- a hangout this afternoon (minor)

- this upcoming week with my co-worker (lightly mitigated with the thought I just have to lay down and take it for another week)

- just overall angst of future work; trying to find ways to make work more enjoyable/tolerable over the next 2 years

- my brother coming to visit for an indeterminate amount of time...

- addressing my nasty co-worker and her stupid face

I'll be honest, I haven't been sleeping well thinking about work. On one hand, it fuels me to keep working so that my safety net is very secure. On the other hand, it's a bit of rain cloud over the short-term. And I run the risk of wishing my life away. 

Luckily I have some built it in fun events even if they are just playing in the background.

I also can just get used to the fact that this is a small trade off for the big trade off. And like I used to tell myself during college...keep going until you get the F then you can quit.

So yeah even if for some reason, work goes off the rails. I'm likely going to dust myself off and find another job to make it to my quit date. So it's easier just to stick with this job as best as I can because I will unlikely find another high paying job in the next 2 years.

So, I resign myself to laying down and taking it. So yeah, that's really the source of my dissatisfaction. Trying to make the discomfort more palatable. Trying to figure out if I have something to prove. Trying to just make it as tolerable as possible but also realizing I just have to take it. Do you just take the bitter medicine straight or spend time trying to find sugar to coat it with. 

The easiest thing seems to be just taking it. Honestly. I don't have any investment in this role or hope for a better outcome.  So it helps to just remind myself. 

But it would be nice to have a little break before fall. I guess Australia might be it. So just hold on until then. Technically had a nice Easter slowdown. Then May has memorial day. June has juneteenth. And we get 2 days off in July. Then August is my trip. And usually Fall is awesome cuz the weather changes and then it's the holidays. 

So yeah maybe it's wishing my life away, or it's just life. Doesn't matter much to me.

And just like this I get a moment of calm. 

what's making me anxious today?

 Well... you guessed it.. work!

My project lead keeps making sooooooooo many comments on my document, it's annoying. And I'm in the background thinking... aren't we pretty sure this project is going to get shelved. So, I don't know if she's just that particular of a person or what. 

But I'm absorbing some of her anxious feelings. And she keeps sending it back for more 'work' and I meet with the people and have the same result.

I think she's told my boss she 'wrote' my document...which is false. And that it needed work. Which again is her opinion. 

I think that's what makes me the most nervous... she's in the same country as my boss and she's talking to him about my work. My biggest concern is anything that will affect my salary and my financial goals. I don't want to be put on a performance improvement plan!! 

Luckily, financially I will be okay.

I was doing the mental exercise of what would happen if I won hundreds of millions in the lottery. And when talking with my friend,  I realized I still felt a little trapped in my current expense box. I'm hoping this will change when I retire, but this is something to keep an eye on. 

It's still nice knowing that largely the only thing keeping me from my Big Audacious Goal is time, not these people. So I just have to put my game face on and last as long as I can. And remind myself, my empirical goal is just to stay employed!!! Not win any prizes! 

In other news, still enjoying life. Weeee!

It's a tough dance balancing work and enjoying life... I tell ya. 

I might have a date

 So in one of my mental exercise, I worked through the reality of what early retirement would look like in terms of timing. And when I reached the end of the exercise, it felt really good!

Dare I be as bold as a Purple Life and declare it publicly??

Yes! 

I'm just feeling really good and somewhat confident. This could very well be a reality. It quickly came into focus and caused some angst but brain dumping seemed to help as I have the bones of a plan. And that always feels good. 

I already spaced out and started thinking about something else. 

So journaling isn't as beneficial to me as it once was because my thoughts don't take over. I mostly just want to act or bury my head in the sand.

But yeah. 

I'm happy about having a final end date - and this time for retirement not life itself.

So even on a day like today when I don't feel like working or when I think about next year and how that will likely be a year of tough projects, having that last date HELPS tremendously.

Onwards.

I was just in a conversation with a colleague and re-affirmed how much my strength lies in short term goals. In these situations, I'm happy to go full out or at least keep swimming. 

I don't want to think of what happens if I don't make my number, so I won't. Isn't that easy?! 

life update

 hi, friends -

it's been awhile. i've been keeping myself busy with dodging work and attending social events in my new town. yay!

i wouldn't say life is 'worth living', but i certainly don't feel the intense urge to die. double yay.

i feel stressed with work, primarily because i don't know what i'm doing.

things move so fast because i have a neighbor who likes to hang out. no complaints there, but i don't have as much solo downtime to meander in my thoughts.

i made a wall poster of all i have coming up over the next 2 years because by hook or by crook, there is a very real possibility that i'll make it to my next FI goal in 2026. 

my goal is so BIG and AUDACIOUS i'm scared of saying it outloud. not for fear of it not 'coming true.' it's not a wish after all. just the full realization of it is not something i'm prepared to wade in right now. i don't want to be angsty or disappointed if the markets take a different turn.

but for now, i'm leading with the idea of being done in march 2026. so that's only 2 years, and with my funny math, it practically feels like a year. 

in the middle of the night, i started thinking about taking a 6 month sabbatical and because i couldn't sleep, i looked up my work's unpaid absence policy. i can only take 1 month off. but with FMLA, I could take 3 months.

i started to wonder if my counselor would write me a note to certify some sort of mental health leave. 

but for some reason i was thinking i'd do it sep 2026 to mar 2027. then last night i realized i don't want to work until march 2027 if i don't have to. it seemed pretty clear at the time, that this was not something i wanted to pursue.

the thing is i wanted to celebrate my FI milestone with a trip to zanzibar but march is apparently a really miserable time to go so i fast forwarded to september...

but now i'm thinking september of 2025 would be better...it'll mark 10 years since i started working in my career. i love those kinds of milestones. so there's that.

but what of taking a career break? 

i guess that's early retirement.

i did like the idea of taking some time off as a pre-retirement check, but i love the idea of leaving work sooner even more!

so my mind is occupied with way too much future planning, and i'd like to find a balance of readiness but also enjoying the present! 

i guess for now, if i find i'm still working past march 2026 for financial reasons, then maybe pursue the 3 months FMLA

i guess there's nothing saying i couldn't do it in 2025-2026, but i'm counting on making allll the money before i reach my goal...

so maybe 1 month of unpaid leave after mar 2026 to make sure it's a good fit..or can i use negative vacation...i don't know

ok, that's all for now. 

2 money milestones!

 Yay, best day ever!

made it back from Dubai in one piece and i had a grand old time!!

fretted way too much about taxes only to realize... it's the same money situation i was in last year, which was quite tenable.

anyway, as of 8a this morning, I am 80% of the way to my next money goal! woot! it feels awesome, let me tell you!!

And I maxed out my 401k with my Mar 15 paycheck.

i often get comments from others of what's the point...well for me..it's the momentum..when you're stuck in the 'boring middle'...you need some things to spice up the journey. this is it for me! i just feel so great knowing, i've hit my savings goal for the year...well at least one of them...well this is the big one...cuz reaching 36k is kind of a baby stretch goal. so yeah, it feels good to hit my savings goal and i don't have to worry. which helps me to spend more to 'enhance my rich life.'

so yeah, i thought i'd share! 

and to top it all off.... i got approved for the chase marriott card!! so if all goes well, i'm on my way to 5 free nights!! woot...and because when i tally the full trip even with credit card fees, i'm still wayyyy under the cash price of the trip!! i can't believe this all just worked out!!

onward!

good news, good news

 My mind wants me to stressed because of current life events but the medication is actively fighting on my behalf. So many more good things happened today.

Yeah, my submission lead gave me a bit of 'we expect this from our internal staff' speech, but what do I care. I can relish in the fact that she's stressed about the submission as the lead. 

Then I thought about another project that is running that looked like it had a small fire early this a.m. But the early meeting was just to say ....no fire yet, but the silence is ominous.

Oh well. I hope I can shake this all off before my trip tomorrow. 

I don't really agree with my lead but grrr. I'm trying not to be stressed. In the end, the solution will just be a copy and paste. 

In better news...

- I got a massage... I don't really see the point. I would've been mad if I'd spent $150 of my own money on that. Luckily, it was a gift card. I think cookies make me happier. Just have to remember.

- I had a nice day yesterday.

Chase is still stressing me out but to counter that, I'm going to go ahead and book my Sydney hotel today. I'm kind of over them. I could almost taste those 5 free night certificates. But no-anxiety monster...there will be other awards.

So ends my card chasing for this year. I always seem to start the year off hot, get burned, then cool down. 

I realized I was churning so many direct deposits, I ran out of room on my payroll. Whoops! Good indicator this needs to stop.

I'm not looking forward to work drama upon my return, but at least it'll keep me busy for the rest of the project time. 

I think the team is taking this long time frame too carelessly and just having review after review. Trying not to take things personally. Glad I waited to start my document when the document before was closer to be done because they were still making changes when I started. 

But I totally lowballed my bonus so it was a nice surprise to get more than I thought! Yippee!!!

I got a 3% raise and I don't have to worry anymore about work performance. 

And technically this is anxiety lessening news - Progressive randomly left me a voicemail that we're accepting 100% responsibility for the accident. Since I was getting tired of paying my car note, I was rethinking getting a lawyer. Now that does not seem like a worthy hill to climb. If I can't even handle the run-around for a credit card bonus.

Feelings. 

But other than that it feels like a pretty good day. I'm sooo close to getting to my number I can taste it. Oh well.

I need to plan for Mt. Rushmore too. Will try not to travel hack and just use any earned bonus churning money. 

Yay, belated Bonus Day! Yay, birthday. Wow, this is my life. :)

Cloudy Day - What's making me anxious today?

 It's a cloudy start to the day but I don't feel too gloomy. I'm glad I got a lot of my work done yesterday so I can lounge the day away. I have some minor angst about a few things that I'd like to get out of my mind. 

In freeform...

- Not sure how program lead is going to respond to request for back-up.

- Wanting to not wait for respond and request new cell phone; but I can wait, my collective data points support this despite what humans say; my team has been very particular about budgeting. Yay me for sticking with my instincts.

- General nervousness for Day 3 of no real socialisation. 

- My connection is a little short for my upcoming trip on Tuesday. I just hope they'll be able to re-route me, so maybe I shall stay unconcerned. Yay. 

- A bit nervous about waiting to hear from a credit card I applied for. Been having trouble with verification.

- General excitement about some upcoming spends I have to meet. Trying to incorporate a friend. She was not as excited about my hack and I feed off people's energy. 

- Again, all this downtime, hoping I can find a way to entertain myself. 

phew....30 minutes later... my program lead responded...so that bit is gone. 

I hate signing on Teams when I'm trying to have an off-day. You know what, I'm going to sign back off. I have too much going on through my head for this. My mental health first. Phew, thank goodness for choices.

I totally lost track of what I was thinking...

In other news...

- I reached all time highs in my net worth...I'm 76% of the way to my Big Goal! Woot! In a fit yesterday, I was thinking, man wouldn't it be great to get there in 2 years instead of 3. I'm trying to fight that feeling and just enjoy my float. 

Oh I remember what else I'm anxious about - a stupid $10 check I fought for and then deposited in Varo. I forgot it has so many restrictions. I'm skeptical of whether it will be cashed and they had me write their name on it.

It would've been easier to just go with a bank that is less scammy, but here we are. I tried to Zelle, but I needed a direct deposit. I actually thought I'd closed the account but apparently I hadn't. You know what, I'm going to close it. It's not all that useful. 

I've been worried about not having anymore unexpired ID with my old name on it. Yikes! So I'm thinking of keeping my passport card. That seems prudent. But that means I have to redo my renewal form that I already printed and made a money order for. I guess that's just what I'll have to do. I have to leave the house tomorrow anyway. Yep, writing it out definitely separates the angst from sense. Phew!

- Oh the other angsty thing....getting food for my neighbor? I might now, especially if its gloomy outside. I might try to call though. I like this plan. 

- oh and my short connection when I fly out...but I rationalized...oh well. I don't want to spend all day at the airport, and ideally they'll probably rebook me, so there's that. 

- That being said I am feeling antsy to go ahead and just get rid of my TD account with old name and rollover my 401k that has an old name. I just want to be rid of those remnants once and for all. 

- So much for taking it easy today...looks like I'll be in things. 

- I guess for now, I'll keep my churner and one brick and mortar account in old name. And I'll stay busy since my playpal is out sick. So that might work. 

- I'll wait for the my other playpal to message me so I don't pester them too much. That was making me anxious as well. 

Alright I guess I'll keep busy from the bed. 

Happiness abounds!

 It's my last free week before my project picks back up! And phew what a wonderful week it is. One of my community members informed me of half priced tickets for the zoo so I'd like to go this weekend. 

It's been fun having my close by neighbor to hang out with. It certainly is the life distraction I needed on days I like these. I get the workday to myself and then hang out with him afterward. I see why people like this.

It's nice and easy!

And our community puts on lots of great events. 

I bought a bike yesterday as part of a wellness credit I was awarded so YaY!! Eventhough it was technically free money, I'll still consider it a good purchase if I get 10 rides out of it. I think that can be achieved. Once the sun peaks today, I plan to take it out.

And for the first time, I have a Valentine this year. That's pretty cool. And he gets so excited, he told me long before! 

I'm even getting chocolates. Nice, right?!

My anxiety is well managed. I haven't had more long-standing thoughts about getting back on Zoloft because my life is distracting enough. So that's good.

I shall still keep it in the background though.

Yeah, money wise. My fixed costs are higher than ever with my pricey apartment, rental furniture, new car loan, and student loan. But auto-payments keeps it out of front of mind. And also, duh, having enough income to cover it. And also having my FIRE cushion. All's good on the money front.

I spend way too much time trying to squeeze dollars out of nickels, but oh well.

My bank bonus churning has come to a complete halt for now because I have way too much other stuff to think about.

I did manage to accumulate 150k AA miles in the last couple months so that was kind of fun. But for some reason opening a savings account is near impossible because they can't verify my identity. Oh well. 

And using their pre-approval tool, I don't think I'll be approved for the other cards I would need to get my Australia lodging for close to free. 

Alright gotta go! 

Jan 26 2024

 Hi, friends!

My anxious feelings continue to be tamped down! yay, me! Yay, medications!

I had a nerve inducing meeting this morning but I got through it by being prepared. Yay.

Work is still going fine. My workload is manageable and that makes me happy.

The weather has swung from being cold and icy to balmy and cool.

In a conversation last night with my neighbor on wishes, I realize in many aspects of my life, I still value freedom.

I don't know why I feel so imprisoned by every day life even though I love structure.

MONEY helps! It really does. I just feel so happy to have enough and KNOW I have enough. Yay!!

Wow, I'm glad I lived to see this. As I write this, I can't say it was worth it. But I'm glad that if I HAD TO LIVE, I got to see my life turn around. This is where I think Zoloft would make a difference, I would WANT to live. Well until I make my mind up on that, I'm happy. 

I planned a random trip to the Carribean and had mixed feelings about it, especially since the weather is going to be nice here while I'm gone! But oh well! I planned some excursions that I'm kind of excited about.

And today I'm going to get sushi at happy hour. And go on a walk with a friend. Yay!

I had one of my overseas relatives hit me up for money a week or so ago. I was going to give it to them anyway, just not for a few months. 

And I got approved for a 3rd card to round off my points needed for Australia! Woot!!!

2023 Financial Update

 I was clicking through my tracker and realized I didn't do a financial update post. I wrote it in my notes, but didn't post. Part of that was because I've been traveling and just outright getting out in these streets!

So here we are:

Income - $91k

Net Paycheck income: ~$91k

Expenses - $55k

Just realized I never did get the official number from my budget app. Really been slacking. I had an estimate at about ~$55k in early December but never went back to officially check.  Well it looks to be right around that. 

Highest category was Travel by far between 15-20k. Don't have the numbers in front of me. 

Savings - $71k

It breaks out to about $29k in 401k contributions from employee only. And about $42k in contributions to my taxable brokerage account. 

Other: 

Nothing really to add here. As of January 16, 2024, I'm near around 720k in assets. I was dreaming about possibly hitting $750k by end of March 2024 after bonuses post. That will be fire!!! 

Jan 4, 2024

 Like all bloggers before me, I've fallen off the bandwagon. I think the trajectory is something like this - period of angst and goal setting; reach or near goal; those feelings disappear; there's nothing left to say. 

As of today's market, I'm approximately 36 months away from my next FI number of a million dollars. It feels weird to say that.

I've actually said it out loud to 2 whole people. 

Things have progressed with my neighbor on the physical level. We did the thing. Honestly, I wasn't ready. I would have avoided it for as long as possible, but here we are. 

I'm not sure how that will end, but I'm trying to enjoy the ride.

When I was in Panama, I was wishing I was on Zoloft again. I just think my life is really good right now, and I wish I was doing a better job of enjoying it. 

Oh well. Spending time with neighbor is definitely awesome, but I realize without him, my social life is pretty bleak. Better than when I lived in Oldtown, but not nearly as full as with him. 

Oh well, again. I am trying to focus on now and enjoying it. When it changes, I will have to adapt, as humans do.

I see why people get hooked on relationships. It's definitely something to do!

That's really all I have to say.

Money is good.

Life is good.

It's the new year. Same goals as last year really - just focusing on staying employed and keeping up my savings. 

Trying to maintain my mental health.

Going to work on physical health this year. Mostly fixing my shoulder, nothing too fancy. 

The pull to stay in bed and watch movies is strongggggggggg!