Some 2020 Expenses (and some Income)

 Slow news day at the call center so I thought I'd peruse some spreadsheets and share. 

If you missed my previous shares see 2020 Income and Expenses here with bonus comparison of previous years. 

Recap

2020 Gross Pay: ~$120k

2020 Take Home: ~62k

Total Expenses: ~$30k

So how did those expenses break down this year...this COVID year... 

	Total
Everyday	$4,049
Housing	$15,150
Debt	$1,848
Other/Extras	$515
Tithes/Gifts (max $1644)	$6,182

                                  (as of Dec 30, 2020)

EVERYDAY:  $4,049

Everyday expenses include everyday items like groceries, eating out, car-related expenses. Those are the top line items as those are a part of my everyday life.  Here's the breakdown of some of those expenses for the year. 

	2020	2019
Groceries	$1,355	$1,222
Restaurants	$871	$956
Supplies/Incidentals	$211	$281
Car-Fuel	$194	$400
Car-Other	$902	$856
Entertainment	$29	$409

I added 2019 for context. 

Groceries and Restaurants seem to be in the same ballpark of around $2200/yr. I'm pleased by this. At times it seemed as though I was spending hundreds of dollars for food this year. There are two things to consider here, I think. One, I think with COVID I tended to buy in bulk so the receipts were higher but less often. Also, when I was setting up house after the move, I tended to add some of those expenses under housing. But all in all, I think this is a pretty good estimate into my spending habits on food. 

I spent half as much on gas this year as last year. That's pretty amazing. So that is definitely related to WFH and without COVID I probably would have had to move for my new job and commute to work. 

Entertainment went down, I wonder what that's related to.  I know this year it was mostly related to movies I rented from Roku or Redbox. That line item can't be trusted. I think last year I paid for cable separate from the internet provided by the apartment, and this year I still pay a fee for the cable app but it's just documented elsewhere because it's part of my internet package. Whoops. 

HOUSING: $15,150

2020 (apartment --> house): $15,150/yr

2019 (apartment life): $11,280/ yr

This one is also not a fair comparison. My apartment expenses in 2019 were pretty simple. I had 2 bills - my rent and the power company- and those were pretty much the same every month.

For 2020, I moved to a townhouse at the end of March 2020. The bills got more complicated.  In this category, I included just about every expense that had to do with housing - transaction fees related to buying the house,  new bills, runs to the hardware store, cleaning supplies,  furniture, moving expenses,  appliances. But if I were still living in the apartment, I would not have incurred these additional costs so in that way, it's a good estimate of "housing" costs. 

Next year, I anticipate some other large expenses as I still want to get a couch, washer, dryer. 

So to put it plainly, so far I have yet to realize any savings from moving to a house. Honestly, I don't see myself living in this house longer than 6 years or after I reach my next financial destination. But only time will tell. 

OTHER/EXTRAS: $515

That's mostly the few times I got my hair done, a couple of silly things I bought off the internet, and the Health and Wellness classes I bought because Call Center #2 reimbursed for those. 

TITHES/GIFTS: $6182

This is pretty high this year, I'd set a max of around $1,600/yr.  The biggest expense here was $5k contribution to funeral costs for my father that passed away in October.  The rest is mostly money I send over to my family overseas. A few other people passed away this year as well. 

There're contributions to my HSA account ($1627)  not shown here that I count as expenses as well as a few limited student loan and medical bill payments (debt total = $1848). 

Okay, this got boring. I'd rather be doing anything else. I think I'm getting a cavity... I blame COVID and WFH. I've been playing fast and loose with my dental hygiene without the societal pressure of human interactions. 

Toodles!

Tuesday Morning Nerves and Escalations

 I realized I kind of blew up my boss's inbox today. You see our company is currently closed until the New Year but I'm covering escalations from the call center today and tomorrow (Wed).  I woke up with dread and didn't want to roll down the hallway to my home office.

(I have a home office! #blessed)

I think I just get nervous when I send her email and she doesn't respond or doesn't respond how I thought. I just want to know what she's thinking. I'm just so nervous about everything, and I don't know why!

I sent her a text today - a personal text just about food I was eating. One text got a response, and the other didn't. 

Ugh.

I'm nervous about contacting "friends" next year. Even today, I wanted someone to download my day with and I have to stop myself from reaching out to people I shouldn't.  How will I get through 2021.

Things I'm nervous about:

- Email about Walking Deck

- Email about rolling over vacation time

- The recognition award I gave to a co-worker

- Executing voicemail and providing training to the team on voicemail (yes, this is my life)

- Giving not the most updated information on our hours ( I gave what I had, but this highlights how we don't have the best communication on our team)

- My decision not to work on updating our documents over break

- The job a co-worker sent me

- The JIRA story I created

- What will it be like when her Favorite Employee comes back

- Just the maelstrom of things to come in the new year when everyone is back at work

- Is there something I've forgotten to do?

- The training we sent to the vendor

In other news, I got my last paycheck of the year today. Wow! In other news, an old associate from high school had her (rainbow) baby. Outside of COVID struggles, she just started a new job so will have to take any maternity leave as unpaid leave.  So she's gainfully employed and happy but just some inconvenient timing. Luckily, she said they can afford for her to take 6 weeks off. Hello, emergency/life fund or just good ole savings! 

I got $20 Amazon giftcard free for trying Personal Capital, and I was able to apply that to get her some diapers. That was kind of fun because I compared Walmart vs Target vs Amazon. The diapers were the same price at each, but I have the 5% Redcard to use at Target, however Target doesn't ship diapers. Walmart, I had 5% off if I use one of my credit cards - that was going to be a hassle, but I thought about it. And for the win - Amazon. They had a $3 coupon and I got 5% off ($2.50) for signing up for Subscribe-and-Save. And I could use the free $20 I got a few days ago.  I've wasted enough online gift cards - so I'm trying to use all the ones I have as quickly as I can. So my out-of-pocket cost was about $25 for a great, useful gift!

Other money plans, I signed up for the Uber Eats pass when I thought I would surprise my boss with a lunch delivery over break. I chickened out. But I also didn't want to leave the house over break and thought I  might get some Thai Takeout over the NYE weekend. I might still do that, and then I can cancel.

I don't really find a lot of use for Hulu, but I'm not ready to give up the $0.15/mon subscription just yet. Haha. 

Looking forward to a stable Q1 next year. I just hope nothing big and bad happens. Maybe something big and wonderful will happen. Woosa! What has got me so anxious and nervous! I can't quite figure it out!

2021 Mantra

 Errr, Coke Store! The glorious present I picked out for my boss 3 weeks ago...might get there in 2021... I thought I'd let it go, but you know how we Americans are - we love to terrorize customer service agents for just that little feeling of control. Today I was one of those people. 

Consumed by my frustration, I couldn't think of an alternative gift. Now, I'm wondering if Brain is signaling that this is actually a bad gift. I tried to cancel, and they wouldn't let me. 

Here's what I hope to live by in 2021:

1 John 3:16 (NIV)

16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. 17 If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? 18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

1 John 3:16 (The Message)

16-17 This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God’s love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.

When We Practice Real Love

18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

2021 why have you got me so anxious?? I guess my secret recurring though is: I'm not waving, but drowning. 

I'm covering escalations at the call center tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.  And then Christmas break is over. Hrmph.  I think I'm going to eat some Oreos and watch TV. Toodles!

Other goals for 2021 found here. 

Monday morning dread after some Sunday evening chats

 I talked to 2 humans yesterday. 

One was my racist friend - twice. I offered up my salary info, and when I asked him about his, he got squirmy. It was very weird because this is information he leads with. The first time we met in undergrad, he was quick to tell me his dad was leaving him 1 million dollars. Yawn. After not speaking for the last 5-9 years, in our first chat, he offered that he's making 1/3 less than he did 2 years ago.  If these aren't clues that someone is open to chatting about money freely, than what is? 

I was trying to actually make him feel better - both by offering my lower salary ( yes, he's that type of guy, hence my questioning his value in my life) and by making light that 1/3 less is like taking maternity/paternity leave. He didn't seem to appreciate that and turned it back on me. 

Yes, I am so desiring of attention that I accept negative attention. I judge myself, so you need not. 

He's been on mental probation much like everyone else in my life. I hope to gain some clarity by the end of the year on this and other friendships I've been keeping on life support.

Is it me or does every Christmas show, regular show, and movie involve someone's mother dying or a really close nurturing mother-daughter relationship? 

In hindsight, I missed some pretty obvious lifeboats in terms of how I could have treated my aunt in her dying days. I cry regularly about that. 

Remember that therapist - she mentioned whether I'd considered writing. And now a ghost of friends past emailed me last week and asked if I still wrote. Is this a lifeboat I need to follow to shore? If I pull on this thread, what does that even look like. 

Some thoughts I expressed recently that I need affirmed: 

1) What will I do if I have to move for my job after COVID?

2) Am I planning to look for another position within/out of my company when I reach the 9 month mark in March 2021? 

3) Even if everything remains the same, what exactly are my job duties next year anyway? 

This time off has been pretty great but for whatever reason it's causing me some anxiety about returning to work.  A co-worker just sent me a new job posting. Do I look into it? 

I was watching an episode of Welcome to Plathville, and the girl talked about how great a feeling it is to live in perfect peace with God. I want that. 

I reached my original milestone and didn't even know it...

 What if we got paid in cash? It's something that crosses my mind every now and then. Would payday be just a little bit more exciting to actually hold the money in your hand. As it stands, it's all automatic and less invigorating. After all, the money is the reward for your time. But it seems less like a reward if you don't even get to count your coppers.

It was too much of an emotional rollercoaster to update my spreadsheets any more than quarterly, so I don't see my cashflow on a weekly or monthly basis. Yes, I am fortunate. This is my blog about FIRE- I think that's a given. 

I feel that reward center just gets overlooked by the fact that there's not that celebration of hey, job well done. Here's your paycheck. So many self-care and intentional living notions involve some sort of physical action, but with direct deposit and automated savings and automated bill pay, the whole thing for me happens behind the scenes. 

That's why I didn't fully appreciate how much I'd saved and earned this year. Even though I did my first update of my end of year balances a few weeks ago, I've been going back to my spreadsheets and having small realizations sink in. (I hide a few accounts even from myself.)

Um, y'all, I invested more money this year than the last 2 years COMBINED. How is that even possible? It turns out about $112k passed through my accounts this year. Of which I spent about $30k and invested about $83k. Eighty-three thousand dollars!  I used to eat free breakfasts at school in grade school. 

I don't even have a washing machine or microwave. How did this happen?! Honestly. 

I definitely have benefited from auto-saving and auto-investing. And it's good to know that it works. And I know the ...seemingly...slow and steady pace would keep me defeated and frustrated if I saw the updates throughout the year, but wow I almost missed this accomplishment. 

So I can't even quite recall the year the idea for my first milestone first hit me. I remember just casually noticing on my BillPay dashboard that I could get by on one paycheck.  I was getting by on $30k/yr without trying. So with some quick mental math, I thought if I saved $30k x 10 years, I could take time off for 10 years and live off that $30k/yr not even factoring for investing or compound interest. Just simple savings. 

Without formally doing anything, I left it as a default goal. Then I became fully immersed in FIRE and that goal was left in the back of my mind. 

Well, folks, I think I did it. In less than 10 years. I'd love to say I can approach life in a more carefree way with this as a fallback plan, but I still feel anxious and nervous and...all the negative feelings. 

This just tells me that more money was never the goal. It seemed like it because I was working and felt miserable. But I think I'm just overall miserable - working or not, money or not. 

So what's the plan to solve that problem? 

I'd love to say, if something happens with this job - if I grow to hate it; if they make me move and I don't want to; if I continue to feel anxious and nervous and frustrated - .... that I'd be okay. I don't think I would. 

Right now, for whatever reason, my job feels like a lifeline.  I want to hang on to the fact that I just bought myself 10 years of freedom, but I don't find much comfort in that, and I don't know why. 

I've made the most money I've ever made in my life. I've saved/invested the most money I ever have in my life. I reached a pretty good safety net milestone. I've got the big fancy title I cried for for over a year. But I don't feel secure or assured. I still feel scared and anxious.

I don't know what's going to happen next year. Something could happen and take everything away from me. I actually don't even know what's going to happen with my job. I don't know what to do if I have to move to the Northeast. I'm scared. 

It's 56 degrees in here, Total Stock Index and more...

 So I've been wrastling with the decision to turn off my heat. I feel like during my home orientation, the guy said not to turn off the HVAC system because it takes so long to cool the house down again. So I imagine the same is true with heat. And being a new homeowner I stay anxious about mistakes that could lead to costly repairs- you can tell how long I plan on doing this homeowner lifestyle. 

So a crude Google search said if you want to turn the heat way down, don't go lower than 50 or 40 degrees. I tried fifty. Then I wanted to see how cold it really gets indoors without the heat. The latest reading shows 56 degrees. The weather outside is around 23 degrees. I actually didn't realize it was that cold outside. Dang, that's below freezing! 

Under the blankets, I'm actually pretty comfortable and don't even need to bring out the space heater. And my night is not interrupted with the heater clicking on and off and blowing that not-so-warm air on my face. I'm curious if it will get below 50 degrees in the house. 

Vanguard Total Stock Index

So I was re-reading some of A Purple Life's posts yesterday. This is primarily because every year I obsess over my numbers to try to find some glimmer of hope or lever I can engage to get me even closer to my goal. I generally end up negating my progress with feelings of defeat that my FIRE goal is still soooo far away. Well this year was no different. At the end of my mini-binge, my default setting is probably still 6 years away from $500k; Mint and Personal Capital and my increased income suggest I might reach that goal in 4 years. But when I look at Purple's numbers, there's a small chance I might make it in 2. I don't want to focus on that as the stock market is soo unpredictable. 

And I've been focused so much on other exit plans that I really haven't given FIRE much thought. The savings is just muscle memory at this point because... why not? 

Anyway, I said all that to say, even thought I've been led astray more than once trying to fit into the FIRE community (cough, cough: blogging for money and being more miserly than I normally would), I think I've decided to get a little fast and loose with investing. I get about $700/mon for the next 11 months from my aunt's pension. I think I'm going to switch it from the Target Date Plan (set-it-and-forget-it) to the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund just like Purple (because strangers on the internet never lie and you should do everything they say they do).  I'm feeling frisky I guess. 

So yes, I left my cozy bed to get this laptop to initiate this transaction for the New Year. 

More on financial tracking applications

As for the apps I tried, as much as I tried to get rid of one, I think I'll keep all 3 for the next quarter and see how I feel at my next financial update.  This morning, too, I decided it will be fun to see how they predict how close I am to my goal in years. 

These are very rough estimates because there are few minor variables that are different.

Here's what Mint is saying now: (a little different from my earlier post because I reassigned some accounts to different goals)

Here's what PC is saying:

See I actually don't even know what this saying...  but since I'm 36 now, I'm guessing Dec of 2024 (when I'm 40).

Okay so I guess seeing it like this, their estimates don't differ too much. It's still 4 years  But do you see how Mint is so much easier whereas Personal Capital I'm still left wondering a bit.  Well actually, the original Mint estimate was closer to March 2024, which to me is pretty much 3 years and 3 months...which rounds to 3 years in my mind and the 3 months would just be the countdown, so really 3 years.  *chuckles softly*

I can't even begin to dream that far out. For me, I track the number not the date. This is because the stock market is a bit unpredictable. So if I make it that far, I'd probably set an arbitrary date as I get within spitting distance of $500k.  My life has a tendency to not work out when I set hard and fast goals. 

So that was a lot of rambling. Basically, all I came on here to say is that for funsies, I'm going to try the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund for a little portion of side money I have coming in. 

Every now and then I re-think the money I have sitting in CDs and so far I haven't been inclined to move it to investments. That's my reality check. 

In other news, I received a total of 1 Christmas gift (from my boss); 1 unsolicited email and FaceTime call from a former high school friend; 1 phone call from an aunt; 1 phone call from another aunt on Christmas Eve; 1 unsolicited text from my boss on Christmas Eve. 

That's more than I was expecting! Cheers!

A few spreadsheets later (A 2020 Money and Life Update)

 Psych! I was trying not to put Merry Christmas in the title! But that's what I want to say. 

So for next year - 2021- I was trying to figure out what my quote or theme should be. As soon as I say, don't talk to people that don't make you feel good ..then I immediately want to talk to everyone!!

My Former Roommate just... I don't know what the issue is. Right now Brain is percolating on the fact that she said anyone who knows me knows I don't like grey area. When I really wanted to call her out on the fact that, no, you certainly didn't and still don't really know how to interact with me. You are a constant source of frustration. 

My other Aunt  - my remaining parent seems to think we have a special bond. Yeah, okay. Maybe don't pawn your kids off on someone else to take care of. Okay, that's my 1stworldproblems talking, but still. 

Also, why am I so irritated, it's Christmas! I love Christmas! This is how we know what Love is. 

My Racist Friend - ugh. What to even say there. Low point.

So how do I want next year to look different. I don't even want to point to financial goals because the stock market is another fickle friend. 

Well for the actions I can control:

Money Aims

 - Maintain my automated savings to my 401k 

     - 19.5k pre-tax

     - 24k after-tax

- Max out Roth IRA (6k)

Life Aims

- Figure out if I'm really dying Nov 2021 (when my aunt's monthly pension money stops); I wasn't able to renew my driver's license and get a pistol permit but I still could

- Until I decide to die, I really want to go back to the way things were before my Darling Aunty died and my emotional safety net was snatched away

- I don't think I can make friends - it's just too hard- so I have to figure out how to continue going at this alone, expecting nothing from no one

- I do want to get more involved in STEM related volunteer activities and maybe some food pantry stuff

Career Aims

- I still pray for a big, significant, positive, sustainable impact at work

- I still would like to move on to something more lucrative and satisfying and still WFH by Jun 2021 - I'm thinking either promotional review or labelling

FIRE

- When I look at A Purple Life's numbers, she made steady progress from where I am right now to her goal of 500k in 2 years. Is that possible for me? Should I even get my hopes up? According to my FIRE tracker I shouldn't reach 500k for another 6 years. Mint is saying I might reach it in 4. But if I could reach it in 2, that would be amazing! What would I even do with myself? 

The spreadsheets... here's a rough estimate of where I ended this year and a little comparison of other years for context. 

	2016	2017	2018	2019	2020
Income
Gross Pay	$93,000	$98,200	$98,841	$91,471	$120,908
Total Wages/Take Home Pay	--	$59,344	$56,159	$51,257	$62,000
401k Contribution	$8,800	$10,950	$18,500	$18,996	$19,264
401k Spillover Post-Tax					$4,900
HSA	--	--	--	$1,675	$1,627
Post-Tax Savings		$16,246	$28,630	$20,843	$41,763
Total Expenses	--	$52,095	$33,552	$28,698	$29,570

I too was perturbed on how my post-tax savings + total expenses > take home pay. I didn't dive too deeply, but I think there was always some extra savings left over from the year(s) before. Everything I invested in one year wasn't pulled from everything I made that year. I guess, I don't know. Like I said, I didn't delve too deeply. 

I will say this year, there were a lot of extra funds being thrown my way. Oh, I think I might have mentioned this elsewhere, but the grand finale of Free Money from Bank bonuses and some minor cashback deals this year: $3,740. Yowza!

Onwards! I just discovered the latest dramatic season of The Bachelorette. I accidentally saw the winner online but I think I can still get into it. So I will watch that and eat the things I made yesterday and be happy!

Merry Christmas, y'all!  

I tried a few budget tracking tools and they weren't that great

 It turns out I'm getting tired of updating my spreadsheets. I don't know if it's just because there's nothing truly wild going on, too many accounts, it's all gotten a bit too messy or if I'm spending too much time in my day job looking at spreadsheets.

Whatever the reason, yesterday I finally signed up for a few of the apps. I couldn't decide between the 2 popular ones, so I ended up signing up for both.

Personal Capital was by far the easiest to link accounts. It literally took seconds. The big snafu was it didn't link one of my checking accounts. I tried at least a dozen times, and nothing worked.  Then 4 hours later, I realized I was still editing categories and descriptions and tags.  One blogger I follow, uses a screenshot monthly to provide a quick snapshot of his expense and income categories. That appealed to me.  But when I explored it further, I realized I really wanted what my spreadsheet provides, the ability to see month over month trends at a glance.  Personal Capital can do month-over-month but just comparing expenses total not each category. Blech.

So then I tried Mint. It was quite a few more clicks and load time for each account. You had to check you weren't a robot for each account, and then load each one painstakingly. I didn't time it, but it was at least 30 seconds but felt like 3 minutes for each account. And you could only do it one at a time. Whereas with Personal Capital, once you entered your log-in for one account, you could move on to the next account.  This too wouldn't load one of my checking accounts. This one was Checking Account #2 where as Personal Capital wouldn't load Checking Account #1. 

So for tracking expenses, neither of them can really provide the full experience since they can't load both my checking accounts where my expenses come from.  Mint was incredibly annoying and busy. You have to constantly click to close adds and other superfluous boxes. Too many clicks! And I didn't need all the "cards" they showed on the dashboard but couldn't find a way to move them or close some of them. 

The thing I liked most about Mint was the way it calculated my FIRE goal. It was soooo very nice to hear that I was ahead of my goal and the time it might take to get there. I got instantly motivated. But then this morning I realized it's still 4 years away, so then that was deflating. (I think when I read it the first time, I thought it said I was 2 years away (false) as opposed to 2 years ahead (true).) But at first glance, I think it was a really useful tool.  This is what I would look for in a tracking tool. Take a look...

The other thing I liked about Mint is that it categorized my expenses and income and investment much more accurately.

So then I gave Fidelity a try. Ugh. I dislike that site in general. So much clutter and too many links for a novice like me. So I didn't have a lot of hope that this was going to go well. But they do have something called Full View. And what do you know, they were able to link both my checking accounts.  So for that reason alone, I might keep my accounts linked to it and see if there's any benefit to me. Categorizing was worse here than Personal Capital.

Here's what a snapshot of my retirement goals look like comparatively. And it's buried like 6 clicks deep. Can you make sense out of this? 

Actually, this morning was the first I even noticed that it'd calculated the total amount saved. Who knows if I'll be able to find that snapshot again??

Anyway, so the search is still on. I want to track my expenses, be able to trend month over month, and see a snapshot, and also track my FIRE journey without having to manually update spreadsheets. 

After yesterday, I was thinking I may keep Mint just to have that little boost of encouragement that tells me how long till my goal and that I'm doing a good job and maybe Fidelity to see if I can make any sense of the expenses tracking tool since it actually loaded both accounts. Not much use for Personal Capital at this point. 

Is there any tool you use that helps you? 

What do I need them for?

 I'm having an okay day. I spent all of yesterday in bed with some mediocre snacks and mediocre shows. Today is much of the same.

I was a little happy last week because two of my personal colleagues sent me an email. You see sometime this year I scheduled quarterly check-ins with them. It was supposed to serve as just a bare bones contact scheme. Like at the very least, we can check in with each other a couple times a year. But I hoped it would lead to more. 

I imagine I started this in a moment of desperation. And likely in a subsequent moment of desperation, I ended them without letting my colleagues know. 

I just found it wasn't enough. Either I wanted more or the contact didn't make me feel better. 

A few minutes ago, I realized I lost my person and I didn't really have any friends to help me get through it. It'll be a year next month. I did it. I grieved alone. Yes there were some frantic phone calls after I "snapped" at my boss, so maybe I'm not giving my colleagues enough credit.  But in my mind, I got through the hard stuff alone. 

People were available to me when it was convenient for them. No one really dropped everything to come to my aid. And that may not be a reasonable expectation. 

A debilitating illness not withstanding, I need to gear up and really accept the fact that I'll be walking the rest of the way alone. 

There are no more tears to be shed. There are no more feelings to be shared. I won't talk of it publicly with anyone. Ever. 

In other news, I woke up today with some weird recurring thoughts.  Lots of thoughts about the Call Center. What exactly do we do there? What's our mission/vision? Apparently I have some lingering feelings about my boss making me look incompetent in front of the vendor.  I don't love that.  I feel more resolve to bounce to the next thing when my 1 year is up. Honestly after Q1 of next year, I'm going to be actively looking for a new role - if that means ending up back in medical information, then so be it. At least I'll be paid a bit more. 

I was getting very anxious and VERY disappointed that the gift I spent so much time thinking about isn't going to arrive on time for my boss. But hey, our company's way is to overlook mistakes and mishaps. So, hey I can get on board. Nothing I can do about it now. Once I detach from something, it's pretty difficult to care that much again.  So she doesn't get the gift on time, she probably wasn't going to like it as much as I thought. I spent a lot of time on the comic and I don't think it landed quite the way I wanted.  Oh well, chalk it up to 2020.

Then I got pretty mad at this TV I ordered. It said "smart TV" so I thought it had Roku-like functionality already built in. Wrong. My brain tried to alert me to look closer, but I ignored the feeling just to be done with the ordering process.

Well the main reason I got the TV in my room was so I can stop watching TV on the company iPad, thus get the iPad out of my bedroom. This means no more checking and responding to emails at all hours.  But apparently this dumb Vizio Smart TV is smart in that it will cast shows from your tablet or phone. Ugh! So I'd have to have the iPad back in the room, and download all the other channels from downstairs on the iPad.  Plus when you cast, it doesn't auto-play a series, so you have to manually play every episode if you wanted to binge a series. Lame. 

This was my own dumb fault. They had cheaper Roku TVs with the Roku already built in. And cheaper TVs where I could have bought the Roku separately and still come in under the price I paid for this dumb Smart TV. 

So I tried twice to return it. Got frustrated. Thought about selling it online. The issue is, I spent my $40-off-coupon on it, so I only get back the actual cash I paid for it if I tried to return it. To me that's a $40 loss. 

This morning, I decided to get over it. And looked again for just getting a second Roku stick. Well the price of Roku went down from $30 to $22. So that's a little bit of a win, and cuts down on the total loss. 

Who knew Roku was going to be so popular. When I first got one, it seemed like everyone was giving it away for free if you sign up for this or that. Now $30 is the cheapest you can really find one outside of this sale that's going on. 

In other news, I also instituted a personal policy of re-gifting gift cards. That way it's the gift that keeps on giving. So far I have 2 gift cards to re-gift. I feel weird giving money to working adults. Honestly, I'd feel weird giving money to non-working adults. A classmate I recently reconnected with mentioned struggling to meet her bills this month. So I might send one of them to her. 

Yesterday was not a bad day

 I already know today is going to suck. That's what usually happens when I was okay just yesterday. See every post on this blog. Oh, well! I decided to stop holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop anyways.

Funny things I heard lately.

On a sketch comedy show, two women were jogging in the park. One commented on how someone could vote for a woman-hating racist. The other said, well you know how they say to do something everyday that scares you - that was my thing that day. 

That made me laugh. 

Today we are doing a meme-exchange (as opposed to a gift exchange) that I organized. I'm pretty nervous about that. I don't particularly enjoy social events with people I don't know very well. I don't really enjoy them with people I do know very well. Unexpected outcomes and all. 

But I'm so excited that this is our last full week of work before our 12 day shutdown that I can't be bothered with negative feelings in this particular moment.

3 risky things I did.

Remember that year of horrible interview outcomes. Well my first one was the one I thought I was a shoe-in for. You know, they paid $1k to fly me down to California. Well I emailed the hiring manager just now to wish me a happy holiday season and just provide a quick update. The phrase - the best revenge is living well- comes to mind. 

And then this weekend, I emailed and audio-called my Racist Friend. Desperation, I tell you. The call ended after about 10 minutes. He didn't call back. 

I helped mitigate this by calling my First Cousin. She also had to go after a few minutes to hang out with her family. 

My hope for next year is to be able to start anew. Can I stop relying on these friend-adjacents to fill the time. I hope so!

Mental Dump

 It's almost 9a on Saturday. I've been up since around 5a because I went to sleep around 9p last night. 

There were some tears this morning and last night. 

I keep blaming my boss, but at this point I think I'm just projecting all my feelings on her.  Whatever anxiety or sadness or frustration or rejection I feel, somehow I choose her as the origin. 

Some things I couldn't say recently...

• My first cousin never contacted me after my dad died. I think she's still mad because I said she was carrying a grudge about my aunt. She's one to speak all her psycho-babble but not one to hear it, it seems. 
• My non-friend said anyone who knew me would easily know I don't like grey area. Really, because no one else has figured that out. You've known me for 9 years and you still don't know that much about me. You don't give great advice and you repeat negative things when I'm looking for positive feedback. So I resent you for saying that. Especially when I'm pointing out the things I like about my manager. 
• I felt rejected again that my manager took the afternoon off on Friday. 
• I felt bad that in a Check-In, I was complaining that another meeting we had for a project was taking time away from her teaching me things. Yet in our Check-In, I had run out of questions with 5 minutes left to go. I had wanted to stop complaining about that. 
• I feel like I've been complaining too much. 
• What did my boss really think about me sending her daughter a graduation gift? Was that weird? 
• Is she going to think the Christmas gift is weird? 
• I wish I had more options for friends or emotional or moral support.
• What will happen to my job when everyone goes back to work? Am I going to move? Can I find another job? Should I keep more in cash while we await that decision? 
• What did my performance review really mean?
• Should I buy a TV for my bedroom? Do I really want to distance myself from work and set more regular hours? Am I giving up? What will be the impact of this? 
• How can I stop feeling so rejected by my boss? Why do I feel this way? 
• Why didn't my other cousin ever call me that one time? Was I supposed to call her? How can I lose 2 parents in one year and no one think they need to check up on me constantly? 
• If I'm thinking clearly, I'm a little disappointed my boss didn't send me a card or something after I told her my dad died? Whatever happened to the stuff from the work event she was supposed to be sending me? 
• My ex-roommate really makes me mad, but I have no one else to talk to so she's the easy call. How can I break free? 
• Is next year really my last year on earth? 
• Work frustrates me. I get so anxious when stuff lands in my inbox, but when I actually sit down to do it, it's not that bad. When I talk to my boss about it, it's not that bad. 
• How could my boss not see how much work I'm putting into the database management project? It's tedious and annoying. 
• How much contribution is expected during some of these meetings? What do I do about this job? Is this as good as it gets? 

Salty Water in the Desert

 Yes, I'm back. This is not totally unexpected. All this free time means lots of times for self-reflection. 

After succeeding in not texting my boss for the last 4 days, my brain tricked me into doing it.  You see, an app was pushed to my company iPad. It was a project my boss and I had been working on just about since I started. It wasn't supposed to launch until Monday.  

Desperate for an excuse to contact her, I sent her a screenshot of it and a link to the site.  The conversation went a little like this.

Me: Look what just popped up on my iPad. And the link is live too.

Mgr: It looks good!

Me: Did you try the link?

Mgr: I clicked on the link and just looked at the first page

Me: (not sensing she really wanted to chat) Ok, as you were

Mgr: Did you try it?

Me: Of course

20 minutes pass. I was hoping my senses were wrong and she would want to chat. I was hoping she would ask me how my Thanksgiving was or offer something about hers. 

Realizing she didn't really want to talk to me but not wanting to believe it...

Me: So how was your Thanksgiving?

8 minutes pass.

Mgr: Pretty low key. How about yours?

Me: I sent her a picture of a plate of food.

Mgr: Amazing! 

She's usually a bit more effusive. 

I was gone for a day a couple weeks ago,  and upon my return she was asking me, what I did? What I watched. Telling me how I was missed. She used to message me Happy Monday!

Things have shifted.

I'm not making any more qualifying statements or censoring myself. I'm tired of having to do that in order to express myself to people outside of work situations.  

So in the 8 minutes while I waited for my boss to respond, I called my former roommate on Teams.  I am pretty hyperbolic about the situation just for laughs but also because I realize how silly it is.

But I think even that is me pandering to the crowd.  It is as if the only way I can get someone to listen to me is to make the story amusing. 

Where is my safe square! (That's from the movie Queen of Katwe)

Anyway, of course Former Roommate is in the middle of something domestic. The conversation is interrupted at least 3 times for her to tend to her kid. Never of course when she's talking. 

Anyway...

I try to explain how the conversation is different. 

Former Roommate: Is that really what happened? Or is that the narrative in your head?

My Brain: WTF!!

(I don't even cuss, even in my brain.)

Former Roommate: Because I remember in grad school, a boy said hi to you and you thought he was soooo nice.  And another boy brought me a cookie from a buffet at a luncheon and you thought he was in love with me.

For the record, that boy was in love with her. 

I'm trying to understand her point of view. But my brain immediately gets defensive. I need a better way to handle her. Or I could just stop calling her. Instead of having to navigate the aftermath of frustrations. 

So usually this is when I try to figure out what about her comment made me so mad! But when I look at my above examples that illustrate how conversations with my boss used to go, that's the conversation I wanted to have with a friend. I wanted space to talk about my relationship with my boss. I wanted to reminisce and feel good about it before coming to the realization that it was ending. Not someone shutting me down in a few seconds and trying to invalidate my feelings! 

Well I will say I am proud of myself, that while I did react. I did it playfully.

Me: I hear you saying that an example from 8 years ago...blah, blah...I don't even remember what I said. 

Her: And you thought he was soooo nice? 

Me: Is it possible that some people use nice and polite synonymously? 

I'm not sure what the point of her story is. The example seemed weird. My perception of her is that she finds her power in her ability to attract men. The fact that her two examples involved men and how one was attracted to her and not me, is not lost on me. Mind you she is someone who has told me that a Certain Race of boys would never date me, but brags that she could get with her boss of that Certain Race if she wanted to. Weird, right? 

I was trying to understand her point of view. But as I look back on it, the example is a little flawed. And actually having lived in California and DC, no one just randomly says Hi to you. But it's like can you just listen and let's not derail the situation for me to manage your emotions. I'm the one in a little bit of distress right now.  But here I am defending my point of view, when a) I should be able to let your dumb statements go and b) again, how does your dumb statement help me? 

Something must be going on with her and her ex-husband. When she starts bringing up examples of boys, it usually stems from an anxious place on her part. Woosa. 

Ok, this didn't have anything to do to me. 

But see, these humans. I wish they had a warning light. In the last 24 hours before your interaction with this human, x, y, and z happened. Don't take anything they say or do personally. 

While I'm glad I didn't get defensive, I'm a little disappointed that I acquiesced to her.

Me: Well perceived or real, I have noticed a shift. 

So yes, it's 6a and that's what I woke up with on my mind this morning.

And of course, to diffuse from that situation, I called my aunt who is also notoriously bad for listening to me.  When I thirst for venting space, I seem to go from one salty glass of water to the next. Why? Desperation. I have no one else who will answer when I call.  And this dumb therapist I have to talk to Wednesday is another example.

Ugh, now I'm getting anxious about next week. I have a 2 hour meeting with the vendor I'm not looking forward to. And now this Wed appointment with this dumb therapist. 

Forcing people to email me was such a good solution to my problems. Why did I ever break that barrier and start making phone calls? Desperation! 

So what have we learned.

- I am affirmed that things have definitely shifted with my boss.

      - What can I do about it? Which of my own behaviors can I change? Well as I previously stated in another post, I need to respect the professional boundaries she has set. I acknowledge it will be devastatingly hard because I really like her as a friend. 

-  I need to break-up with my Former Roommate. 

      - Which of my own behaviors can I change? I acknowledge that she played a key role in helping me land this job - from referring me to interview prep. She has some strengths and I need to center any future relationship around that instead of trying to make the relationship something it's not. We enjoy doing bank bonuses together and finding random deals online. As for personal or emotional problems or venting - she is not the one! 

She Didn't Text Me!

 My co-worker was joking with me that she might need to stage an intervention because I can't stop talking about my boss! 

I'm sad to say - it's official she does not like me as much as I like her. 

I was hoping for a Happy Thanksgiving text. Didn't happen.

Maybe a Black Friday text. Didn't happen.

Today I know she was out donating blood. Maybe a photo of her "I donated blood" sticker. Didn't happen.

So, I think back of how my mind developed these expectations.

Well, I really like her as a friend, not just my boss. And I was hoping the feeling was mutual.

It's the longest we've gone without any sort of communication - I think. 

On her summer vacation, I would send her amusing work updates and would get a response. 

The last time she took a couple days off, I got a photo of her day out with her kids. 

I think most of all, what's hurtful, is I feel forgotten. Like all of the "friends" before her, she forgot about me. I wanted this to be different. If I had a friend who I knew was going to be sad and alone on Thanksgiving having just lost significant people in her life, I think I would have sent a text message. 

I refuse to linger in this desperate place. 

My brain is already doing the mental shift to put her into the place of ghosts of friends past. Devastating. I just really had so much hope for a possible new friend.

Outside of the loss of a possible new friend, I'm concerned my perceived pursuit of a different role in the company is what has caused this shift. I don't like that. First because if that has hurt her feelings and changed her opinion of me, I want to clear it up.  I don't want to ever be the reason someone's feelings are hurt.  Second because I don't want to lose what may have been a good friend AND a good boss. 

But it's good that the boundary lines are drawn. I mourn this loss as well. 

Oh! In other news, when I look back at the lies the therapist was trying to pin on me, it helped affirm a few things. I'd been fighting internally and somewhat externally with my co-worker/former-roommate (my cousin, one of my aunts, and probably others) for air time. I don't know how to disagree respectfully. I was constantly annoyed when she cut me off and ended phone conversations abruptly or was not the type of active listener I hope for. She is often pedantic and fights to be heard. 

In my mind, I thought where does she get off talking to me and treating me like that. Then I realized how petty and small minded that was. Those are the makings of troubled people. And that's not who I am.  I am a self-confident woman. A long time ago, I decided to let the way people treat me in their fight to be heard and acknowledged go. I had risen above that.  I had decided it was only worthwhile to speak up in life or death situations.  I'm not less accomplished or less right or less smart because other people don't see that or try insidiously to convince me otherwise. So to be constantly frustrated in these conversations that don't matter is regressive. Listen, humans, I hear you; I see you. 

I want to continue to be the person I want other people to be. I was stooping to her level and as the young kids say, it was not a good look. I always regretted it but convinced myself it would help her to see how she treats me. It didn't. We just both ended up being pedantic people fighting to be heard.

Where did I lose my footing along the way that I became so petty. I am actually better than this and I have been for some time. I have been able to persevere because I have always believed I deserved better and expected better from others. Eventhough 99.9% of the time people fail me and I end up feeling bad or hurt. 

But I can't live my life trying to make them feel the way they make me feel. I thought accepting the poor treatment was a sign of weakness and despondency. It probably is, but what good is fighting a losing battle? 

As the yay-sayers say, I can only control my own actions. I know my strengths and it's never been convincing people to treat me better.  I just usually cut those ties. 

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the opportunity to re-challenge past convictions. I stand affirmed in them. I know too that there will be a washout period as I shake these current behaviors. But 2021 can only extend the runway for me to stand firm in the vision I have for my life and those I choose to invite in (spoiler: no one so far!). 

So in the show I'm watching, a boy just walked out of his mom's life and said you're not my mom, you're just some lady I used to know.  It seems so fitting for what I feel right now for all the ghosts of friends (and family) past. How about that!

And just to be especially nasty, my mind recalls that one verse in the Bible, and then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me.' 

Signing off this thing for 24 hours to reset. 

My First Stab at My 2021 Budget

 So nothing on TV is holding my attention at the moment. Yesterday, I updated my accounts. Those looked really great! I have nothing else to do but Praise the Lord! 

I did some online holiday shopping. And my next small big-win is I think I might qualify for a Target RedCard (debit) that will get me $40 off $40. I've been eyeing a $16 bacon pan since I moved in April. That'll be my silly gift to myself.

I also had an online fight with Joann Fabrics. They had some good deals for some arts and crafts stuff. After painstakingly clicking around all my new found rebates sites, I finally clicked through to check-out. Within 30 minutes my order was cancelled because everything was out of stock.  All's well since I was already in the online shopping mindset and I have loads of free time. I tried again but this time went for Curbside Pick-Up. The paints I had previously chosen were not available so got a smaller size which is a bit worrisome but am deciding to roll with it - this is a creative project after all. 

So I got paint, bought 2 Paint Nite classes, loaded my shopping cart with bedding items for tomorrow when I can use my $15 Kohl's cash, and... wait is that it? For some reason that took most of the morning yesterday.  Oh, this morning I think I decided to buy the personalized Coke bottles for my manager and her family. It seemed silly to buy 5 bottles of Coke with her name on it but someone gave me the idea of buying something for her kids. So I think I'll have each of the Coke bottles personalized with their names as well.  That seems to make more sense.  It is a completely impractical gift - which was the reason for my initial hesitation - but sometimes it's going to have to just be the thought that counts. 

So yes, friends, this year I got into the spirit of gift-giving. Mind you, most of the "gifts" I've bought are for myself. Oh! I also made my manager a little comic strip on Pixton yesterday. This was when I'd decided trying to come up with a gift for her was going nowhere. 

Anyway, so today, there wasn't much else to do. So I started looking at my budget for next year and this is what I came up with. I feel more nervous sharing my numbers than I ever had in the past, but here it goes. 

Not sure why it's posting as a picture this time around, but there you have it. 

My Spending Target is pretty much the same as it was last year at $26k but will likely be closer to $30k. That is why I left the $6k cushion. 

My Savings Goal increased by about $4k from $45.5k last year to $49.5k this year. Not sure why with a $20k salary increase, I was only able to squeeze out another $4k in savings. I would expect $15k  at a 25% tax rate but my net pay only went up $8k according to my 2020 Working Budget, so there you have it. 

The biggest logistical change is how post-tax funds will be invested. For the last 2 years, I maxed out my 40lK and the remainder of my paycheck was deposited into my bank account. From there I set up auto-withdrawals with my broker for my Roth IRA and just a regular broker account. 

In 2021, I'm still keeping my monthly auto-withdrawals to the Roth IRA account. However for the remaining $24k, I am setting that up as an after-tax 401k payroll deduction. So that money never even reaches my bank account. It goes directly from payroll to the broker. Yowzer!

So my actual take-home pay for 2021 will be the most miserly it's ever been since I started this financial independence journey. I am thankful. I am also a bit frightened.  Luckily, I have about 3 years of data to show that while I have yet to reach $26k/yr in spending,  I haven't typically needed more than $30k barring anything catastrophic.  And I mean, I can stop the auto-contributions with a couple clicks, so there's that. Admittedly, it's still scary. I will be very cash-low moving forward.  So as the saying goes, I'm putting my money where my data is.