I reached my original milestone and didn't even know it...

 What if we got paid in cash? It's something that crosses my mind every now and then. Would payday be just a little bit more exciting to actually hold the money in your hand. As it stands, it's all automatic and less invigorating. After all, the money is the reward for your time. But it seems less like a reward if you don't even get to count your coppers.

It was too much of an emotional rollercoaster to update my spreadsheets any more than quarterly, so I don't see my cashflow on a weekly or monthly basis. Yes, I am fortunate. This is my blog about FIRE- I think that's a given. 

I feel that reward center just gets overlooked by the fact that there's not that celebration of hey, job well done. Here's your paycheck. So many self-care and intentional living notions involve some sort of physical action, but with direct deposit and automated savings and automated bill pay, the whole thing for me happens behind the scenes. 

That's why I didn't fully appreciate how much I'd saved and earned this year. Even though I did my first update of my end of year balances a few weeks ago, I've been going back to my spreadsheets and having small realizations sink in. (I hide a few accounts even from myself.)

Um, y'all, I invested more money this year than the last 2 years COMBINED. How is that even possible? It turns out about $112k passed through my accounts this year. Of which I spent about $30k and invested about $83k. Eighty-three thousand dollars!  I used to eat free breakfasts at school in grade school. 

I don't even have a washing machine or microwave. How did this happen?! Honestly. 

I definitely have benefited from auto-saving and auto-investing. And it's good to know that it works. And I know the ...seemingly...slow and steady pace would keep me defeated and frustrated if I saw the updates throughout the year, but wow I almost missed this accomplishment. 

So I can't even quite recall the year the idea for my first milestone first hit me. I remember just casually noticing on my BillPay dashboard that I could get by on one paycheck.  I was getting by on $30k/yr without trying. So with some quick mental math, I thought if I saved $30k x 10 years, I could take time off for 10 years and live off that $30k/yr not even factoring for investing or compound interest. Just simple savings. 

Without formally doing anything, I left it as a default goal. Then I became fully immersed in FIRE and that goal was left in the back of my mind. 

Well, folks, I think I did it. In less than 10 years. I'd love to say I can approach life in a more carefree way with this as a fallback plan, but I still feel anxious and nervous and...all the negative feelings. 

This just tells me that more money was never the goal. It seemed like it because I was working and felt miserable. But I think I'm just overall miserable - working or not, money or not. 

So what's the plan to solve that problem? 

I'd love to say, if something happens with this job - if I grow to hate it; if they make me move and I don't want to; if I continue to feel anxious and nervous and frustrated - .... that I'd be okay. I don't think I would. 

Right now, for whatever reason, my job feels like a lifeline.  I want to hang on to the fact that I just bought myself 10 years of freedom, but I don't find much comfort in that, and I don't know why. 

I've made the most money I've ever made in my life. I've saved/invested the most money I ever have in my life. I reached a pretty good safety net milestone. I've got the big fancy title I cried for for over a year. But I don't feel secure or assured. I still feel scared and anxious.

I don't know what's going to happen next year. Something could happen and take everything away from me. I actually don't even know what's going to happen with my job. I don't know what to do if I have to move to the Northeast. I'm scared.