Monday morning dread after some Sunday evening chats

 I talked to 2 humans yesterday. 

One was my racist friend - twice. I offered up my salary info, and when I asked him about his, he got squirmy. It was very weird because this is information he leads with. The first time we met in undergrad, he was quick to tell me his dad was leaving him 1 million dollars. Yawn. After not speaking for the last 5-9 years, in our first chat, he offered that he's making 1/3 less than he did 2 years ago.  If these aren't clues that someone is open to chatting about money freely, than what is? 

I was trying to actually make him feel better - both by offering my lower salary ( yes, he's that type of guy, hence my questioning his value in my life) and by making light that 1/3 less is like taking maternity/paternity leave. He didn't seem to appreciate that and turned it back on me. 

Yes, I am so desiring of attention that I accept negative attention. I judge myself, so you need not. 

He's been on mental probation much like everyone else in my life. I hope to gain some clarity by the end of the year on this and other friendships I've been keeping on life support.

Is it me or does every Christmas show, regular show, and movie involve someone's mother dying or a really close nurturing mother-daughter relationship? 

In hindsight, I missed some pretty obvious lifeboats in terms of how I could have treated my aunt in her dying days. I cry regularly about that. 

Remember that therapist - she mentioned whether I'd considered writing. And now a ghost of friends past emailed me last week and asked if I still wrote. Is this a lifeboat I need to follow to shore? If I pull on this thread, what does that even look like. 

Some thoughts I expressed recently that I need affirmed: 

1) What will I do if I have to move for my job after COVID?

2) Am I planning to look for another position within/out of my company when I reach the 9 month mark in March 2021? 

3) Even if everything remains the same, what exactly are my job duties next year anyway? 

This time off has been pretty great but for whatever reason it's causing me some anxiety about returning to work.  A co-worker just sent me a new job posting. Do I look into it? 

I was watching an episode of Welcome to Plathville, and the girl talked about how great a feeling it is to live in perfect peace with God. I want that.