What do I need them for?

 I'm having an okay day. I spent all of yesterday in bed with some mediocre snacks and mediocre shows. Today is much of the same.

I was a little happy last week because two of my personal colleagues sent me an email. You see sometime this year I scheduled quarterly check-ins with them. It was supposed to serve as just a bare bones contact scheme. Like at the very least, we can check in with each other a couple times a year. But I hoped it would lead to more. 

I imagine I started this in a moment of desperation. And likely in a subsequent moment of desperation, I ended them without letting my colleagues know. 

I just found it wasn't enough. Either I wanted more or the contact didn't make me feel better. 

A few minutes ago, I realized I lost my person and I didn't really have any friends to help me get through it. It'll be a year next month. I did it. I grieved alone. Yes there were some frantic phone calls after I "snapped" at my boss, so maybe I'm not giving my colleagues enough credit.  But in my mind, I got through the hard stuff alone. 

People were available to me when it was convenient for them. No one really dropped everything to come to my aid. And that may not be a reasonable expectation. 

A debilitating illness not withstanding, I need to gear up and really accept the fact that I'll be walking the rest of the way alone. 

There are no more tears to be shed. There are no more feelings to be shared. I won't talk of it publicly with anyone. Ever. 

In other news, I woke up today with some weird recurring thoughts.  Lots of thoughts about the Call Center. What exactly do we do there? What's our mission/vision? Apparently I have some lingering feelings about my boss making me look incompetent in front of the vendor.  I don't love that.  I feel more resolve to bounce to the next thing when my 1 year is up. Honestly after Q1 of next year, I'm going to be actively looking for a new role - if that means ending up back in medical information, then so be it. At least I'll be paid a bit more. 

I was getting very anxious and VERY disappointed that the gift I spent so much time thinking about isn't going to arrive on time for my boss. But hey, our company's way is to overlook mistakes and mishaps. So, hey I can get on board. Nothing I can do about it now. Once I detach from something, it's pretty difficult to care that much again.  So she doesn't get the gift on time, she probably wasn't going to like it as much as I thought. I spent a lot of time on the comic and I don't think it landed quite the way I wanted.  Oh well, chalk it up to 2020.

Then I got pretty mad at this TV I ordered. It said "smart TV" so I thought it had Roku-like functionality already built in. Wrong. My brain tried to alert me to look closer, but I ignored the feeling just to be done with the ordering process.

Well the main reason I got the TV in my room was so I can stop watching TV on the company iPad, thus get the iPad out of my bedroom. This means no more checking and responding to emails at all hours.  But apparently this dumb Vizio Smart TV is smart in that it will cast shows from your tablet or phone. Ugh! So I'd have to have the iPad back in the room, and download all the other channels from downstairs on the iPad.  Plus when you cast, it doesn't auto-play a series, so you have to manually play every episode if you wanted to binge a series. Lame. 

This was my own dumb fault. They had cheaper Roku TVs with the Roku already built in. And cheaper TVs where I could have bought the Roku separately and still come in under the price I paid for this dumb Smart TV. 

So I tried twice to return it. Got frustrated. Thought about selling it online. The issue is, I spent my $40-off-coupon on it, so I only get back the actual cash I paid for it if I tried to return it. To me that's a $40 loss. 

This morning, I decided to get over it. And looked again for just getting a second Roku stick. Well the price of Roku went down from $30 to $22. So that's a little bit of a win, and cuts down on the total loss. 

Who knew Roku was going to be so popular. When I first got one, it seemed like everyone was giving it away for free if you sign up for this or that. Now $30 is the cheapest you can really find one outside of this sale that's going on. 

In other news, I also instituted a personal policy of re-gifting gift cards. That way it's the gift that keeps on giving. So far I have 2 gift cards to re-gift. I feel weird giving money to working adults. Honestly, I'd feel weird giving money to non-working adults. A classmate I recently reconnected with mentioned struggling to meet her bills this month. So I might send one of them to her.