Mental Dump

 It's almost 9a on Saturday. I've been up since around 5a because I went to sleep around 9p last night. 

There were some tears this morning and last night. 

I keep blaming my boss, but at this point I think I'm just projecting all my feelings on her.  Whatever anxiety or sadness or frustration or rejection I feel, somehow I choose her as the origin. 

Some things I couldn't say recently...

• My first cousin never contacted me after my dad died. I think she's still mad because I said she was carrying a grudge about my aunt. She's one to speak all her psycho-babble but not one to hear it, it seems. 
• My non-friend said anyone who knew me would easily know I don't like grey area. Really, because no one else has figured that out. You've known me for 9 years and you still don't know that much about me. You don't give great advice and you repeat negative things when I'm looking for positive feedback. So I resent you for saying that. Especially when I'm pointing out the things I like about my manager. 
• I felt rejected again that my manager took the afternoon off on Friday. 
• I felt bad that in a Check-In, I was complaining that another meeting we had for a project was taking time away from her teaching me things. Yet in our Check-In, I had run out of questions with 5 minutes left to go. I had wanted to stop complaining about that. 
• I feel like I've been complaining too much. 
• What did my boss really think about me sending her daughter a graduation gift? Was that weird? 
• Is she going to think the Christmas gift is weird? 
• I wish I had more options for friends or emotional or moral support.
• What will happen to my job when everyone goes back to work? Am I going to move? Can I find another job? Should I keep more in cash while we await that decision? 
• What did my performance review really mean?
• Should I buy a TV for my bedroom? Do I really want to distance myself from work and set more regular hours? Am I giving up? What will be the impact of this? 
• How can I stop feeling so rejected by my boss? Why do I feel this way? 
• Why didn't my other cousin ever call me that one time? Was I supposed to call her? How can I lose 2 parents in one year and no one think they need to check up on me constantly? 
• If I'm thinking clearly, I'm a little disappointed my boss didn't send me a card or something after I told her my dad died? Whatever happened to the stuff from the work event she was supposed to be sending me? 
• My ex-roommate really makes me mad, but I have no one else to talk to so she's the easy call. How can I break free? 
• Is next year really my last year on earth? 
• Work frustrates me. I get so anxious when stuff lands in my inbox, but when I actually sit down to do it, it's not that bad. When I talk to my boss about it, it's not that bad. 
• How could my boss not see how much work I'm putting into the database management project? It's tedious and annoying. 
• How much contribution is expected during some of these meetings? What do I do about this job? Is this as good as it gets?