Salty Water in the Desert

 Yes, I'm back. This is not totally unexpected. All this free time means lots of times for self-reflection. 

After succeeding in not texting my boss for the last 4 days, my brain tricked me into doing it.  You see, an app was pushed to my company iPad. It was a project my boss and I had been working on just about since I started. It wasn't supposed to launch until Monday.  

Desperate for an excuse to contact her, I sent her a screenshot of it and a link to the site.  The conversation went a little like this.

Me: Look what just popped up on my iPad. And the link is live too.

Mgr: It looks good!

Me: Did you try the link?

Mgr: I clicked on the link and just looked at the first page

Me: (not sensing she really wanted to chat) Ok, as you were

Mgr: Did you try it?

Me: Of course

20 minutes pass. I was hoping my senses were wrong and she would want to chat. I was hoping she would ask me how my Thanksgiving was or offer something about hers. 

Realizing she didn't really want to talk to me but not wanting to believe it...

Me: So how was your Thanksgiving?

8 minutes pass.

Mgr: Pretty low key. How about yours?

Me: I sent her a picture of a plate of food.

Mgr: Amazing! 

She's usually a bit more effusive. 

I was gone for a day a couple weeks ago,  and upon my return she was asking me, what I did? What I watched. Telling me how I was missed. She used to message me Happy Monday!

Things have shifted.

I'm not making any more qualifying statements or censoring myself. I'm tired of having to do that in order to express myself to people outside of work situations.  

So in the 8 minutes while I waited for my boss to respond, I called my former roommate on Teams.  I am pretty hyperbolic about the situation just for laughs but also because I realize how silly it is.

But I think even that is me pandering to the crowd.  It is as if the only way I can get someone to listen to me is to make the story amusing. 

Where is my safe square! (That's from the movie Queen of Katwe)

Anyway, of course Former Roommate is in the middle of something domestic. The conversation is interrupted at least 3 times for her to tend to her kid. Never of course when she's talking. 

Anyway...

I try to explain how the conversation is different. 

Former Roommate: Is that really what happened? Or is that the narrative in your head?

My Brain: WTF!!

(I don't even cuss, even in my brain.)

Former Roommate: Because I remember in grad school, a boy said hi to you and you thought he was soooo nice.  And another boy brought me a cookie from a buffet at a luncheon and you thought he was in love with me.

For the record, that boy was in love with her. 

I'm trying to understand her point of view. But my brain immediately gets defensive. I need a better way to handle her. Or I could just stop calling her. Instead of having to navigate the aftermath of frustrations. 

So usually this is when I try to figure out what about her comment made me so mad! But when I look at my above examples that illustrate how conversations with my boss used to go, that's the conversation I wanted to have with a friend. I wanted space to talk about my relationship with my boss. I wanted to reminisce and feel good about it before coming to the realization that it was ending. Not someone shutting me down in a few seconds and trying to invalidate my feelings! 

Well I will say I am proud of myself, that while I did react. I did it playfully.

Me: I hear you saying that an example from 8 years ago...blah, blah...I don't even remember what I said. 

Her: And you thought he was soooo nice? 

Me: Is it possible that some people use nice and polite synonymously? 

I'm not sure what the point of her story is. The example seemed weird. My perception of her is that she finds her power in her ability to attract men. The fact that her two examples involved men and how one was attracted to her and not me, is not lost on me. Mind you she is someone who has told me that a Certain Race of boys would never date me, but brags that she could get with her boss of that Certain Race if she wanted to. Weird, right? 

I was trying to understand her point of view. But as I look back on it, the example is a little flawed. And actually having lived in California and DC, no one just randomly says Hi to you. But it's like can you just listen and let's not derail the situation for me to manage your emotions. I'm the one in a little bit of distress right now.  But here I am defending my point of view, when a) I should be able to let your dumb statements go and b) again, how does your dumb statement help me? 

Something must be going on with her and her ex-husband. When she starts bringing up examples of boys, it usually stems from an anxious place on her part. Woosa. 

Ok, this didn't have anything to do to me. 

But see, these humans. I wish they had a warning light. In the last 24 hours before your interaction with this human, x, y, and z happened. Don't take anything they say or do personally. 

While I'm glad I didn't get defensive, I'm a little disappointed that I acquiesced to her.

Me: Well perceived or real, I have noticed a shift. 

So yes, it's 6a and that's what I woke up with on my mind this morning.

And of course, to diffuse from that situation, I called my aunt who is also notoriously bad for listening to me.  When I thirst for venting space, I seem to go from one salty glass of water to the next. Why? Desperation. I have no one else who will answer when I call.  And this dumb therapist I have to talk to Wednesday is another example.

Ugh, now I'm getting anxious about next week. I have a 2 hour meeting with the vendor I'm not looking forward to. And now this Wed appointment with this dumb therapist. 

Forcing people to email me was such a good solution to my problems. Why did I ever break that barrier and start making phone calls? Desperation! 

So what have we learned.

- I am affirmed that things have definitely shifted with my boss.

      - What can I do about it? Which of my own behaviors can I change? Well as I previously stated in another post, I need to respect the professional boundaries she has set. I acknowledge it will be devastatingly hard because I really like her as a friend. 

-  I need to break-up with my Former Roommate. 

      - Which of my own behaviors can I change? I acknowledge that she played a key role in helping me land this job - from referring me to interview prep. She has some strengths and I need to center any future relationship around that instead of trying to make the relationship something it's not. We enjoy doing bank bonuses together and finding random deals online. As for personal or emotional problems or venting - she is not the one!