today is the day i plan to resign...

 it's been in the making awhile... as far back as when i started FIRE one could say...as far back as last spring when whispers of job insecurity were floating around..

but now i'm here...

wow... woke up at 2a and again at 5a..

been looking at flights ever since..

people.. my one fussy aunt... she's mean... she just is... i think it's jealousy wrapped in bitterness and confusion and anger and insecurity... abandonment...dreams unrealized... she also insults me...

but i'm the dummy for coming back...

i want more for myself..

she insults me.. i take time off... she's in her 60s...but she's always been that way...

this is family i guess... i've distanced myself as much as i can...

i need an emotional safety net... so i keep on with therapy...

i'm picking insurance on the health exchange particularly for this reason...

onwards...

back from kenya

 hi, i had a great time in kenya!

men are still gross. i wish they would stop hitting on and propositioning women. one of the women on the trip said, oh it's nice to be hit on every once in a while.

i do not feel this way. i am not someone that values male interest the way women are programmed to. i'm alone in this. i just wish i didn't feel a need to scream it from the mountain top (i don't do that but i want to).

being in my 40s is even better than turning 30. i know i'm middle aged an really an 'adult' now.

i have to enjoy life or it's just going to slip away. 

i don't think i'll enjoy being 70 or 80.. but now that i know people in their 50s and 60s... it's interesting... 

so i got propositioned by one of the tour guides.. ick. luckily nothing physically dangerous happened. 

i travelled with a couple...well it was my trip and i let them know i was doing it... remembered being a 3rd wheel...is not for me..

this will be a good reminder when that strong urge to plan a group trip happens...no couples.. 

i saw what my future might be like with adam...and luckily it was undesirable.. i need a break from taking on other people's anxiety....

my 40s are for me - growth, freedom...mostly freedom...

i don't know if it's anchor bias or because there's less  options...but i don't feel many qualms about resigning...what's funny is my new manager is acting like i'm coming back in full force...i think a part of me kind of figured they knew what i was up to...

oh well... the market's  down...but i know i can trim down if needed...

and also... despite the haranguing... i'm still going to push through until something very strong changes my course... in terms of the market i mean...

but yeah... feeding a giraffe with its warm tongue and its expectant gaze... made me incredibly delighted.... i wanted to stand there forever and give it a hug...

other things..

once i can figure out feeding myself... that will be one more thing i can automate and take off the thinking shelf...

i thought about going to paris because for the first time since i moved here... i wasn't ready to come back... not sure why... there weren't a bunch of activities lined up i guess... but yeah...i had a flight cancellation...and i thought... i'm only a couple hours away from paris...let's do that an extend the trip.. 

but i didn't have my jacket... so i also didn't want to be miserable.. i don't regret either choice...

but it's a thought... 

i am kind of ready for my next adventure... 

it's my birthday month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 yay....it's march!!

which means i have an excuse to be happy all the time!!!

it's amazing freeing myself from social obligations just added a boost to my mood.

got some lab results and some WBC were low and lymphocytes were high. so i'm fighting some sort of infection.... maybe just allergies..i hope...

but this frees me from guilt about wanting to stay in and be anti-social...yay...

and with all the social events flowing through my inbox.. i just feel... a bit been there done that...for now... i have to remind myself...it's okay to change your mind, change course...

but yep...now i feel no guilt whatsoever for staying in...  i might even forego going out for cookies and food later and eat what i have here...

i am a little nervous about starting the malaria meds though....eek!

i love me...and can't wait to begin crafting the life i envision for myself as a 41 year old taking care of herself as her most cherished and beloved person. 

feeling kind of restless

 i don't know if it's just a touch of impatience or just some kind of weird stress of all the things i have coming up...but just haven't happened yet..

or the loss of friend...

or it's starting to hit the endlessness of my days

had 2 thoughts of 'i want to be dead' in the last 2 days.

momentary, but they happened.

i'm on 20 mg of meds at this point. next stop after this is prozac i guess.

i have to spend my money...can't let my brother have it..

thinking of reconnecting with old seattle fling? he doesn't seem that interested but #secretlove

can't seem to shake that in my 40s

going to be 41 soon... can you believe it!

trying to parent myself as an approach to managing the next 18-20 years...

boy...i'm not even sure where to start...

the task is daunting and overwhelming.

maybe i just get through this day first. 

i'm the A**hole

 grrr...

i guess i'm in a place of privilege to be able to retire early.

i've already lost one friend..

i guess i'm offending others...

geez... i have to remember this...

i was sharing a discount i got on my malarone with a friend cuz they got there's more expensive...i thought we were financial friends... but she was like your insurance is superior! it felt weird... and it's sunday....people's feelings are high on sundays...#work

but then yesterday i was sharing with my bro about all my cool stuff i have coming up...he exclaimed he wanted to go on a cruise...and of course me...i'm like come!... 

but yeah it started to feel weird...cuz it felt like i was bragging...

as he's listing off all the debt he's paying..

i never considered myself tone deaf...and i 100% tried to bring everyone along on the journey and they know i worked hard on this for 9 years and they considered me a little cheap and "money-obssessed"...but my, my...how they've forgotten now that i've reached my goal...

but yeah...money makes people weird...

i knew when i went to duke and stanford... i had to hide that...

but this too...

grrrr...where can i be excited about my accomplishments...silly humans... 

but yeah, wake up, MERJ! you have less people like you...so i will just keep living outloud in my apartment...

i'm still enjoying life... it's where i can cry and celebrate i guess...

honestly, instead of wanting to keep silent... i'm going to keep living my life outloud...

haters...keep hating! 

but yeah, i'm def not having my bowling party here in Newtown...too many haters...

my primary goal, or at least one of them, of having it in maryland is mostly just to announce it to my younger cousins that this achievable!!

anyway...your girl is now "privileged"... who knew!