I just can't get there

 To ease my x feelings, I started plotting a trip back to Seattle. Then Porto. Since I'm going to be in DC in July, I felt like there was an opportunity there to take advantage of being near an international airport. 

I don't know, a $5k trip to Porto for about a month is on the table. So is a possible 2 month stint in Seattle, followed by a shared lease in Seattle, and a few other variations where I end up back in Seattle.

I keep trying to convince myself one way or the other but nothing sticks.

I don't know if I'm in acute distress or not. I really don't.

I tried convincing myself to stay put. I told myself when I look back at my 2 big life examples where I pushed against reality, that was evidently the problem. I didn't accept reality and I was praying for big outcomes. 

But do you need to pray for things that are probably going to happen anyway.

I don't know which of my life experiences I'm supposed to draw from to navigate this dating situation.

Now I'm thinking of my immigration experience. It was a thing that was supposed to happen, but I had to push it to get the outcome I wanted.

I told myself a minute ago to accept the reality. Markets are down - it's a better bargain to buy into those markets now and save travel for when things are normally priced and staffed. Self, I said, just focus on investing for the latter part of the year.

I was on board for maybe 3 minutes.

Then the thought of postponing even a minute of spending just made me feel sick.


I was trying to tell myself to wait for age 40 to do whatever angsty travel I'm feeling like doing now. But then I think about my job and how disconnected from it I feel. 

I thought about how those last 3 months of 2021 were mentally tough and the year before had been almost life-altering. I thought about how many promises I made to myself to just get through the last 3 months of 2021 and then push through one last time for the first 3 months of 2022 and I would be done.

I don't want to break those promises to myself.

So many of my brains lie to me and get me mentally down. I don't want to do that here.

Financially getting back to Seattle or running away abroad doesn't make much sense but I still keep coming back to that.

This is the time to be shoveling money into my investments, but for whatever reason I've just lost the itch for aggressive savings. Don't get me wrong, I'm still maxing out my 401k for the year and sending a few bucks to after tax but other than that, I'm just kinda blah about the whole thing.

Even though work isn't the grind that it was, maybe I'm still associating my current role with my last role and just COVID and the general dark clouds of the last 2 to 7 years. 

Work has just been this thing to oppose that it has become the effigy of oppression even if it's not that way so much in reality.

It's weird because I don't want to do it long-term but I'm also slightly afraid of losing it. 

I'm tired of feeling so angsty about everything.

I need to do the exercise of what are the facts, what is reality, what do I want to do. 

Although I've been vacillating a bit, I can say I'm really, really proud of myself for storing my FIRE cash in CDs instead of in an index fund. At least right now I am.

I don't want to think about it.

I think I just can't spend too much time thinking about work. I start to get mixed feelings and I don't want to do anything drastic based on those feelings. 

Not gonna lie, stings a little

 While I didn't check email last night, I did self soothe a little. I found myself listening to some 90s jams until around 11p EST. No complaints.

I didn't know Beyonce had a Spanish album! I tried learning the Spanish version of "Irreplaceable." That was fun! 

I think I'm going to get a desk chair today.

My shoulder and wrist are starting to hurt again and I don't remember them being this achy. Maybe they were. 

The last text I got from the newest Slow Fade was Tuesday night. So that's Wed and Thurs with no contact. That stinks!

All the love songs from last night said all the feelings.

Of course I'm accepting breadcrumbs. Because let's be frank, I've blown away breadcrumbs in the past thinking a loaf of bread was coming. I guess you can guess the outcome there.

Oh well.

The more I try to resist holding out hope for dating, the more I want it.

So yes, last night I was plotting my next trip out to Seattle.

An old college roommate is going to be there the week after the work trip, so I figured I could go straight from DC to Seattle.

Then I thought, maybe I try actually living in Seattle for 6 to 9 months. I could rent a place, get my car there somehow and really live.

Like actually make some friends.

The more I socialize this idea of Death House being a home base, the more I like it. 

I can't tell if my last 2 trips to Seattle are progress which means I should keep trying or failures which mean I should give up. 

Basically whatever thing I decide to do, my Brain automatically wants to do the other thing.

So if I say, just stay put and settle into solo life, I immediately want to plan every trip possible. I convince myself I should not settle and should die trying to find love. I should travel, move to Seattle, move to Italy, Rome, the UK. I should take that trip to Spain/Portugal. I should do all the things.

Then I say okay, let's think about that trip to Seattle. I mean I have my old high school friend a few hours away. I have Seattle mom that I could purpose to visit once a month. Last night my mental planning got to - well which time of year would be ideal. I think I would be more motivated to go when it starts to get hot in NC. So either March 2023 or June 2023 at the turn of summer. I could stay 6 months. This way I'll be there for the Fall 2023 dream I had last year that God was actually going to intervene (ok, Wishful Brain). Or really just to be patient and it would take 2 years like it has in the past.

But even with that Brain is like, remember college and jobbing. All those applications and no results other than heartache. If I don't start harvesting my solo life now, then when? 

Is Seattle the boy I'm still trying 'to make love me.' You know the one that lost your hut number. But I think summer in Seattle is when everyone is traveling so it feels like a lot of missed opportunity. I was thinking of even having a job or some sort of summer camp role or some sort of background purpose so I don't lose my mind.

But that's just not reality. 

Hey, friend

 How was my day?

Got Mi Casita's again. I got it with shrimp again because it's simpler than asking for shredded chicken and risking getting fajita chicken. Yum!

Yesterday, I must have been really hungry because I ate the whole thing and usually I have leftovers.

I was feeling really good today after putting my document in review. So I went into my suitcase and got the 3 items to return. It's at least $45 back! 

When it would've been easier just to do nothing. Win!

That felt good.

So I treated myself to shrimp fajitas.

To pass a few minutes also stopped at the grocery and picked up some chips, cut fruit, popsicles, and cookies. Yum!

Got home and one of the project managers got a little impatient with me. Ew.  Oh well. Focus on the positive!

Started watching a Netflix movie but it was a boring rom-com so switched to Snowflake Mountain. It's playing in the background while I type this.

I went downstairs to get some chips and cookies as a dessert and show-snack food.

Oh! I ran some other personal errands today.

I activated 2 new cards as MERJ 2.0. That went smoothly once I calmed down. I bought 3 brokered CDs. It was 3 instead of 2 because one of them had a 3 count limit. 

I hesitated for a second because I wanted to churn that cash for a $300 bonus. But decided pscyhologically it was better just to keep FIRE money out of regular circulation. Plan is to hopefully buy more iBonds in Jan 2023. We shall see though. 

I was briefly tempted to buy some FZROX because the price is so low!! Oh well. Part of me is tired of thinking about FIRE.

So I gotta get back to set it and forget it. 

Not sure what that looks like.

I have to get back into doing my Roth in-plan conversions. It's less urgent since nothing is going up in price. 

I feel really good to be a bit ahead on my project.

I got pumped yesterday to try to go for a raise next year, but each day I try to take a step back from my current role to reflect and I realize it's an okay job. I don't really see myself progressing. As in like, I don't actively want to progress. Not that I'm not actually progressing. We shall see though. Sometimes these things happen passively. 

Sometimes I think I know more than I let on and other times I feel completely lost. 

I'm fine with riding this hazy wave.

I can't believe there are only 6 months left.

So yeah, those are the things I would have told a friend.

I have about 3 refunds pending on 3 different cards. I was thinking of how I would spend the credit balances down since all the credit cards are at $0 balance.  Then I remembered I could probably request a check or something. #easy

The other option was to try to spend it as MERJ 2.0 to try to get some credit history on her, but meh.  The only other big money move I need to make this month is to update my after tax 401k (moving it up) and just re-route some direct deposits.

Other than that, I've been trying to distance myself from dealing with money stuff, but there have been pretty regular changes since this year - tried to max out 401k; bought I bonds; tried to stabilize 401k contributions to limit too much excess cash; then tried to decrease 401k contributions to get more cash for vacations. 

I'm tired just thinking about it. Got TV to watch! 

1 day later

 I surprisingly made it a day without thinking about the boy too much. I didn't even anxiously check messages last night. Yay, me! It probably helped that I was entrenched in work all day. Got some fajitas and fell asleep for a few hours. 

I wanted to piddle around on the computer but my brain was too tired. 

Had trouble falling asleep later, but oh well. 

It's weird being back because I've quickly forgotten many of my routines. But I think with the extended daylight, I'm supposed to go to bed at 11p and maybe start wind-down or moving downstairs around 8 or 9p. Sometime after sunset when it's too dark to stay up here sounds about right.

I haven't felt much like going downstairs though. So I'll prob stay up here the next 2 days.

This Saturday, I have 3 events to choose from - Volunteering, Nature Walk, or Bowling. They all occur in or around the same time though. I think I'd rather do 2 things than 1, so I'll probably do the Nature Walk and Bowling vs Volunteering.

I don't know though, it might be too hot for the Nature Walk. Actually, it will be too hot. So who knows.

I think my July fantasy of spending some time in DC has died. It's just so funny how strongly you can feel something one day and not give 2 hoots the next day. Oh, Feelings, why are you so fickle. I really just prefer a more moderate range. Something reasonable. Working on it, I guess. 

Today, I feel like if I never hear from Boy again, I literally will be okay. I'm not even feeling strongly about deactivating anything. But gosh, Sunday, I just had to do something. How do I manage that! 

Yeah these emotional swings are not cute. I don't want that for my future life. 

Anyway, so in thinking about the trip to work to be onsite to meet great-grand-boss, I have a couple thoughts. First, I checked in with one of my coworkers just to get a feel for what everyone is doing. She's just planning to do a half day. Sweet! That's what I'm going to do too. Well since I'm going to take a train, I'll probably have to do a full day. But at least I can get away with just 1 day, I hope.

So since they're covering hotel and transportation, I think I'm just going to go up north for the 1 weekend, versus 3. Yay, I already feel better about that.

If my other co-workers is going to be in town... wait, I just peeped her calendar, and it looks like she'll be away.

Well that takes the fun out of it. 

I do kind of still want to go to the company picnic, so we shall see. 

So perhaps travel on Wed, but if I go to the picnic, I'll have to travel back on Sunday which I don't love because that's a weekend day pretty much dedicated to work. Boo. 

But I like this because this cuts down on time with my last 3 committee members. That's a win because historically, they have caused spikes in my emotional flow. And we don't want that. 

What else, did I tell you I saved $60 in Uber. I decided to take a "free" train to the airport. I'm so glad I did. I left an hour earlier than I would have had I taken Uber but it was okay. It all worked out and I got home 2 hours early. Only to come to find the Uber back to my house was twice the cost! So I think pre-scheduling the Uber does lock in the price it is at the time not the future price, which is interesting. 

I also need to lock my cards and activate my new cards for MERJ 2.0. I have not had much luck yet opening an online account for MERJ 2.0. I'm really kind of over submitting all my information online, so that might take a backseat for now. 

That's all the money stuff for now, gotta get some work done! 

I didn't order marbles

 Life is so much easier when you want for less. It just is. Less disappointment, less dashed hopes, less sadness. 

Just endure.

Early morning and late night always give me such good pithy sayings and outlooks on life. But dare I get up and it's all gone.

I think the latest thing I thought was about dating apps. It's one of those inventions I would've fully endorsed. The app to me should serve as a marketplace where you offer your goods and services to potential buyers. In theory, it should facilitate the process. But somehow, like humans do, we've made it more complicated. I guess it is very much like Amazon then. You know how you get on there thinking you finally narrowed down the thing you want, then they start suggesting other items, and you get lost in a rabbit hole? Or is that just me.

Well the analogy I was going to make was this. Online dating to me was like, I show up to this online marketplace and search and order papertowels, but I get a box of marbles shipped to me. And I'm like but... these aren't even close to the things I asked for or you said you would provide. What the actual heck!

Oh wait, then I remember I'm me

Maybe I was coming off the dating high or the trip high or a fresh nap. I got excited and wanted to continue my version of revenge traveling. My old boss was encouraging me and the other remote workers to come on site (a few states away) to meet great-grand-boss. It was an automatic yes in my mind. Work is also having a company picnic around that time. And when I looked, one of my cousins is having a baby shower as well. And then fourth of July is pretty much next weekend. So I imagined myself spending like 3 weeks of July in suburban DC.

Then I woke up this morning and remembered, oh yeah, 3 days is the tested and tried length of time to spend with family. Maybe all that Seattle friends and family nonsense was making me see my life through distorted lenses. 

There is a part of me that wants to escape of course, but 3 weeks at my aunt's house is not it. 

And I was thinking of taking the train up, but boy would that be inconvenient.

The best part of my last escape was being alone... but was it?

I don't know. I do feel a little bad about getting my aunt excited though. 

I think I was just looking for a distraction from Boy.

I've half-decided to call him my boyfriend since I'm not really interested in any more hurrahs after this slow fades to a halt.

Yes, friends, I decided to go along with the slow fade. It will definitely help keep the summer more interesting. 

I have angst to last me until July 4. And there's June gone. That's a win!

Some tweaks on recent events. I did send a long text after he sent a lazy text because I'm still treating this as a fantasy. And of course, he wanted to hear all the thoughts in my head. I had this carefully laid out response that I practiced and rehearsed.

But of course after I sent it, I was like that's too long. 

I'm happy he checked up on me at all and then acknowledged my long-winded text.

So I guess my focus will be to play into the slow fade. As opposed to fighting it. I put the onus on him to figure out where we're going to meet next. I do love giving up the pursuit.

And I gave him plenty of room to put communication on the back burner until he returns home. Yes, we're not in burning love with contact everyday. But oh well. You get what you get. 

Positive returns

I've loved letting the few bits of communication I had with committee members go to the wayside. No more long convos or check-ins. I'm on my way to solo life. One of the things I've been slowly practicing is not calling people out. It's almost a game of letting people have the final word and say. The women around me seem to crave it. I used to fight it - like why do you get to be right and have the final word and correct me and call me out on everything. But now that it's a game, I just get to silently laugh and pat myself on the back. When I just let it go, I don't have to spend quite as much time thinking of what I could or should have said. 

I love trying to find positive ways to say things. Again, when you view it as a game, it makes it more fun. 

I'm not interested in delving much deeper with people. Everyone is in therapy these days so it does seem like you have to walk on egg shells around people before they start calling out behaviors. I can't wait for the article in x years that we as a society undergo too much therapy. You know Americans, when we latch on to something, we over do it.

Although, I'm trying to forget that Seattle trip ever happened, I will say I do appreciate my simple existence. How exhausting it must be to have an opinion about everything! I declare. I love not having to be trendy or interesting. #ordinaryForLife