Is Adult Entertainment an appropriate side hustle?

It's something that's crossed my mind lately. Even writing sex worker in the title felt too illicit for this blog. I doubt I have children reading it, but still. And what audience am I really pandering to? When do I get to quit being a NiceGirl?!

Dating on apps is so ridiculous. Seemingly, enough of users use it to hookup or proposition others to hook up. Gross. 

So maybe I should join a paid site to avoid this. 

Or maybe I should monetize the experience. #capitalism

My adventures on Ashley Madison have certainly opened my eyes to a few things.

First here's a look back on what my experience has been hooking up with strangers I found on the internet (prior to and including Ashley Madison) as a female. This is based on their questions, comments, and general experience. 

- They think you're trying them out as a gateway into prostitution. 

- They think you're up for anything.

- They think you're uneducated or below them.

- They feel lucky.

- They think they can push boundaries.

- They are grateful.

- They think you want to hear their problems.

- They think you're trying to trick them or get them on the hook for something. 

- They think you might be trying to trap them into something illegal (underage or solicitation).

- They think you're a slut (even though they are doing the same thing).

- They feel pressure to perform.

- They want you to like them.

- They also want to punish you somehow for being a dirty whore. 

- They are bad at it. 

- They want to feel a connection, not all are as into the random hookup as media would have you believe. 


It was a mixed bag. I will say, I pigeon hole this type of guy in much the same way they pigeon hole women. 


Questions After Ashley Madison

So I've been on the Ashley Madison site for about a week? Feels like forever. It was fun and amusing at first but the sheer volume of requests started to just gross me out. Honestly. What I found fascinating with it is the fact that the guys pay money just to chat to me. So I'm soon thinking, how do I get a cut of this. 

I mean one guy talked to me for 5 days straight. Like hundreds of text messages just of naughty stuff. I never had to do or show anything. Just make up a bunch of lies. And my understanding is that they pay PER message. How do I monetize this??

I think if I stay on the site, I want to get something out of it. But how??

I didn't realize there was quite the market for girls that looked like me, to be honest. 

Thoughts:

- Use it to filter to an OnlyFans page

- Make them VenMo me if they want to keep talking

- Ask for SugarDaddies only

- Do I join a SugarDaddy site


This might be a passing thought because I have work piling up that I don't want to do or it might lead to something. Stay tuned!

But Was It Date Rape Though?

 When I was in undergrad, I think there was an awareness of date rape. It was a thing that happened and was likely to be a part of one of your girlfriend's college experience. The moniker Date Rape Doug was born. When a guy gave you the creeps or gave off date rate vibes, you would laugh and refer to him as Date Rape Doug.

Yes, we laughed about date rape. 

20 years later, guard's down. There is no way I would encounter anyone like that at #almost40. Hah. As a woman of any age what is life but a real life dodgeball game where the ball is sexual assault. 

Being isolated from most social contact other than work since 2015 (if not earlier) and even more isolated working from home during a pandemic since 2020, I have lost most of my social guards. I was out of practice. See, I'm already making excuses.

I met up with a bad guy from Hinge. Even going into the "date" (aka hookup) I knew he was a bad guy (more excuses). I figured the worst that would happen is I'd have a one night stand and never see him again. I even said as much. 

Why was he bad?

- He was pressuring me to meet up with him even though I wasn't comfortable.

- He used profanity in regular speech.

- He was aggressive. 

- He talked about sex pretty early on.

- After seeing him upset, I reached out and called him through the app to calm him down. (Groomed much? There was something exciting about thinking you could change someone's behavior with a soft touch or kind word. Dummy! As they say on Captain Awkward... Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde are the same guy. 90% good and 10% bad is ALL BAD.)


I felt like I was playing this role. I knew it wasn't me but I was almost curious about the experience. How does this story end? 

I typed out my expectations

- Condoms only

- I'm leaving my mask on

- Don't kiss me

- You cannot ejaculate in me without a condom


Otherwise, I said I was open to anything. He asked how I wanted it and we had done some storytelling. In my mind, most of this was fantasy. I'd hooked up with strangers on the internet before and nothing bad had happened. I had control of the situation. This would be no different, I never liked the guys I hooked up with. The fun was in the adventure of it. 


The first "date."

What went wrong:

- He moved from activity to activity so fast, I hardly knew what was happening.

- He kept trying to kiss me and remove my mask. (At one point, it was completely off.)

- He used condoms at first, but at one point took it off completely. ( I don't even remember when that happened.)

- It was very aggressive, and if he was trying to act out a fantasy story I told him, he failed to make sure I was ready. It hurt. 


What was confusing:

- I hated him, but I liked being cuddled. It felt so good. That was unexpected. 

- After awhile I got tired of protesting. I really don't remember when the condoms came off or why I didn't leave. 

- He would ask permission or check-in for some things. In retrospect, I think it was the things that didn't matter to him. For the things that did, he would pressure me (kissing, condoms, ejaculating, anal). 


Date #2

My plan was to never see this guy again. He was a bad guy. All the red flags. I was confused by the attention and bored. This time I knew I would have control of the situation.

Fail.

What went wrong:

- He still did not warm me up and went right into the aggressive stuff.

- After doing one activity, he asked if I wanted to do the second activity (butt stuff). I said no. A few minutes later, I thought he was going to do one thing, and he told me to lie on the bed. He pinned me down and did Activity 2 (butt stuff) that I just said I didn't want to do. In slow mo, I knew it was about to happen and I made a comment. He asked what did you say, almost to confirm what he was about to do. I had just said no, but there was something about dominance that attracted me.  Part of me was curious, but part of me felt like I already said No once. If I said No again and he did it anyway, it would definitely be Rape. I would be Raped.  So I let it play out. He noticed my grimace because he commented on it later. After he was nearly done, he asked do you want me to Stop. Again, at this point I didn't feel confident he would stop if I said to Stop, so I agreed for him to keep going. Did I want him to stop? Yes.  I had heard one survivor say before that when she pretended she was into it, it threw her attacker off. 

- During the date, somehow my mask was completely off and he continuously kept trying to kiss me. I mean not just trying. His lips were all over mine and he kept trying to shove his tongue in my mouth. It was gross. I was actively turning my head and covering my mouth but I was also embracing him.   I said I don't want to kiss you because I don't like you. (Confusing right? Why didn't I put my mask back on?)

- The last bit. Again, no condoms were even attempted during Date #2. (Why didn't I insist?). I was about to leave, but I still said let's do it one more time. (I already knew condoms hadn't happened all morning). So we did. He was nearing completion and he asked if he could finish in me. I didn't want him to, but again was not confident he would stop if I said No. And if he didn't, would that be Rape? Or just disrespectful? So I said Yes. Then he said, say it again and again until I finish. So I did. (Here's what's even more confusing, earlier that morning, he'd admitted the only reason he didn't finish in me during Date 1 was because he didn't want to risk a pregnancy. Mind you, that time he'd asked as well and I'd said No. He admitted this after I indicated I'd had a hysterectomy. So with this knowledge, I did not believe he would have stopped if I said No. He'd already admitted his nefarious plans prior. So was I a willing participant in this fantasy or just trying to survive?)


What's confusing:

- I know you can't blame the victim, but what role did I play in this. When I look up consent on various sites, it's both fuzzy and clear. A Yes on Day 1 is not a Yes on Day 2. Lack of a No is not consent. 

- It's confusing for me because there are some things you do with your partner when you're trying to win their affection even though you're uncomfortable.

- There is a part of me that does like some dominance in the bedroom.

- Would I still think it was date rape if he continued to see each other? (I think the part of my brain that thought it wanted to keep seeing him thought that if we could make him see the err of his ways it would ameliorate this thing that happened; maybe we could reframe it as an experience with your partner; like if you could just love someone into being good, it would lessen the bad that was already done.)


I had to get it out because my brain wasn't letting go. I think for me, I was out of practice dealing with men. I thought this was a young person's problem. I really didn't want to believe people could be that evil. I just have never been so disrespected in that way before.  It hammers home an important point - only sleep with people you are confident you can speak up to. A silent No is never heard. You can't play NiceGirl when you put yourself or find yourself in Risky Situations. No one is coming to rescue you, MERJ.  Stop trying to make strangers like you - to me this is a direct consequence of working. You just always have to play nice. Can't wait to do be done with that nonsense. 


What I've done:

- Try to block it out of my mind. Erase it from my memory, but putting it on my blog kind of negates that.

- I sent him an anonymous text calling him a Rapist. Maybe he'll find me and retaliate. Maybe it'll make him rethink his actions with the next girl. Some comments he made me think his behavior is escalating and this is perhaps a problem he's run into before. Ladies, beware. 

- Reframe as an experience I want to forget that never happened. 


Other

How much undesirable traits is okay to accept from someone? There has been no guy I really like because my ideal guy is a Disney Prince. Where the story ends after 2 hours. Is it weird to say, I always thought I'd be a girl who would probably be a victim of domestic violence. I avoid guys for the most part because I watch too much Lifetime, but every now and then I find myself in precarious situations. I just desperately want to believe romance is real. 


Sexual Assault and Consent References

https://www.rainn.org/understanding-consent

https://www.justice.gov/archives/opa/blog/updated-definition-rape

Love-Bombed and Dumped!

 Is it possible to get dumped by a virtual thumbnail? My love-bomber on Ashley Madison just dumped and called me a dirty whore. The nerve!

I'm a little confused (and giggling) because I think the whole experience is for entertainment purposes only. The Love Bomber was so confusing because he immediately told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and we sent some "fun" messages to each other. I went into it thinking it was just fantasy writing.

So I made up a bunch of stuff to try to infuse some drama. I mean remember, I'm posing as a 27 year old married woman with a kid. My husband is sometimes out of town or out of the country. 

I kind of thought he was on board with the virtual fantasy but I guess we broke up in a bad way. He accused me of "sleeping around" and of course being a dirty whore and other expletives of small men. It was both jarring and funny. I'm just so new to this bad behavior it's shock value surprises me every time. Say, what now?! I mean we already know my stance on relationships is - why???! but this just adds fuel to that fire.

Literally all we talked about what was bedroom stuff so I thought we were just crafting a fun story. I actually had fun and thought hey, this will keep me distracted for the time being and I never have to shower. I'm a little shaken up by it, to be honest. 

I think what I really want to confirm is whether or not guys pay per message, as one site claims, or if it's just a handful of credits for the first message and the rest of the messaging is free.

I guess I'm wondering:

- Who was I really talking to?

- Did he ever intend to meet?

- Were those real feelings?

- Was this all a cyber fantasy?

- Was this all part of the cyber fantasy?

- How far would this have gone?

- Did he really spend all that money on me???

I started to think it wasn't real not just from the love bomb (BIG sign), but also because all the other people on the site are way more proactive about setting up a meeting. Offering to get a room was always the immediate next option if neither party could host. He didn't really do that. Saturday we were supposed to meet. He didn't get a room. He casually mentioned it a little after the fact, almost as an afterthought.

I, in my infinite must-turn-over-every-stone, as though I know so much more than everyone else even gave him an idea to get an AirBnB. Nada. 

Then it was confusing because he offered to meet Monday briefly. I couldn't (because homegirl ain't got no phone). Then we agreed to  meetThursday. He said he would make arrangements. Never heard about it again. Like -hotel, time, nothing. 

So... this is still just a creative writing exercise, I conclude. I'm having fun, so no worries there. 

Then on Monday I said, I can't wait till Thursday, and he said how about Wednesday. I said, yes. Tuesday comes and goes and I hear nothing. 

Wednesday, we didn't really talk about a time. 

I guess at this point, I'm just recalling the timeline to understand what the heck just happened. 

So by Wednesday, I was 99.9999999% sure this was all just a Creative Writing Exercise.

So I inserted some fictional dalliance with another member.  

Yesterday, he seemed fine. Still no concrete plans to meet-up on Thursday other than asking me when I'd be free. I said 2p. Nothing else. No place, nothing, except what would happen during the meet. The usual. 

To try to move him to make a move, I said I'd meet with my fictional dalliance again if he's too busy on Thursday. 

But this morning the narrative took a sharp left. He didn't like that and said didn't like to be threatened. And there goes my love story. Sad face. 

How, Feelings, do you still generate for something that only existed on the internet. I can honestly say, I'm a little sad because the chats were fun. I liked the attention ALOT! I got to live a fantasy romance right where I liked it - in written form. 

I can't say I'm not hoping this is still part of the Writing Exercise. 

Well, I don't know what to call this -  -0 dates or made it past 2 dates to day 5.  What part of your truth do you live when you're living a fantasy? Confusing. 

Adventures on Ashley Madison and More!

Hello, friends. It may not have been forever, but it feels like it. Some days feel like so much happened, while other days are as unmemorable as the year has been. 

After the moratorium on work, I needed new ways to distract myself and my thoughts. So as you know I joined some dating apps. I don't remember what my objective was - a date, distraction, a relationship, marriage? Maybe all of the above if dared to dream big. But with reality a constant reminder, I kept my expectations at bay...until I didn't. 

As we all know, I'm a big sucker for Feelings. They hijack my life most of the time which is why things like money matters have to be automated because most of the time I just don't FEEL like doing anything about it. I know my limitations on that front.

Anyway, I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I'm learning a lot about my personality - nothing earth shattering just different parts of my personality are being magnified in this romantic experiment.  Namely, I'm an anxious girl. I want what I want when I want it! 

For my first 30 years of life, I went into every life experience with the hope that the ultimate outcome would be a meet-cute followed by true love. NEVER HAPPENED. So I gave up and loosened my morals a little. 

I'm 37 and my loose morals have come back into focus again. 

With 2 months of a light workload and the upcoming holiday season, I needed a distraction and fast. My tears couldn't keep me company anymore because they stopped coming. Busy work couldn't hold my attention anymore. At least after 37 years, I knew this time of year was coming. There is something cozy about fall and the holiday season that makes me extremely nostalgic and happy and effusive. I just want to love all the people. And when they don't want to love me back, it sucks. 

So I got on the dating apps. A couple of bad apples made me delete them multiple times in 1 weekend. But the call of fall reminded me to focus on some companionship for the remainder of the year. Then work started to pick up and I wondered if that would be enough. Somehow, working nights and weekends just don't have the same appeal they once did.

So back on the apps. Hinge was going nowhere.

Recap of Hinge.

2 Fast Flames that burned out after 2 days. Womp, womp. They weren't dates, but for the sake of storytelling, I'll call them 2 dates. I can't seem to make it past the second date. 

So that got less fun. To be fair, I do tend to burn hot and cold. I'm part 'let's work it out' girl and part 'love-bomb' girl. I romanticize every encounter and fast forward to our happy ending. But alas, I can't seem to make it past 2 dates.

So then I decided to re-brand the experience as the "entertainment" the app owners market it to be. Just re-consider my interactions as mini love stories. Duh, my favorite! 

So I persisted. I mean the holidays are right around the corner - I've even encountered my first set of porch privates in action. That can only mean one thing - holidays are coming! 

I have to recalibrate moment by moment it seems. But when I take the person (me) out of the experience and just focus on the experience, it's more fun. I realized I somehow feel obligated to people that are literally strangers on the internet. What is that about?? Like I have to invent these elaborate stories of why I can't meet or give out my phone number when really - I don't want to. 

I don't think you're that cute. You don't do anything for me. You're too aggressive. But we all know none of that stuff matters, when you like the other person. Who even knows what 'like' means - they have a cute picture + nice job? That seems to be it for me. Don't be weird. And be really into me. 

I realized I'm a really great storyteller. I realize I feed off the other person's energy. I morph into whatever I think will best suit the situation. I don't think this is as bad as I thought it was. I think we all save face in one way or another when we interact with people. You don't cuss and wear a bathing suit to church. Just like you don't wear a nun's habit and hold bible study at a bar. That's just being a human with good social form. 

Enter Ashley Madison. Somehow, the propositions on the regular dating apps were a turn off. Maybe the guy wasn't cute enough or I don't like the presumption even though I've been known to do the same thing. Humans. 

It was taking too long to find a good date and someone I'd want to be in a relationship with let alone get busy with. 

So I went with Plan B- find a FWB that won't make it weird. 

In my short time on the regular dating apps, I felt like the guys I interacted with almost were turned off by a woman who was too forward. So it seemed to reinforce the stereotype that guys like to be the hunter and pursuer. They were not as willing to pull the trigger when the tables were turned. I found them cowering in retreat. Oh well, just change the channel. Remember this is for entertainment purposes only. 

So... I asked the internet and learned that Ashley Madison was free for women to join. I wasn't sure what to expect as there was surprisingly little on the experience for regular people. So I uploaded two of the photos from my regular dating profile and set out to see what I could see.

Like the first weekend of Hinge, it was awesome! I don't know if these apps can just sense newbies and give them the best experience and then it tapers off or if it's just a high I feel from the newness. In case you didn't know, I used to love trying new things! 

On Ashley Madison, I am a 27 year old attached female looking for flirty chats and possible short term FWB.  Being 27 was such a genius move. I love the attention! There I said it. Guys 20 to 30 years my senior are into my "young" nubile photos. Haha. 

Since I'm lying, I figure at least some portion of the guys on there are lying. I have a hard time believing they're all really married. I choose the stereotype that they're just jerks looking to hookup without having to commit. Fine, I'm here to play too! 

I was feeling bolder the first weekend I joined and was willing to hookup but it was even hard then to get the guys to pull the trigger. They're paying money to be gun shy.  One issue I ran into was finding a place to actually meet, since everyone is pretending to be married. I think there were a couple that offered to get a room, but I don't remember why that didn't materialize.

I don't have a phone! So, I spent most of one weekend day trying to activate my phone. That would make me feel safer. I'm also pretending to live in my old neighborhood which is a lot more affluent than the one I live in. So I have had to dodge quick turnaround times since it's likely a 2 hour drive for me. 

So that was my first roadblock - get a phone first MERJ.

Then it got cooler and I was like meh, do I really want to leave my house? No!

But the dirty chats have been super fun. It's like I'm starring in my own smut romance novel. For once, I get to be the star. I'm the ingenue in my own narrative instead of the best friend or side kick. I had heard before that white guys secretly fantasize about being with black girls. My oh my is it very true on this site. 

I would love to say I feel bad or offended, but so far it's really fun.  Everyone is there for the same reason - to type out a fantasy. 

I had over 100 requests to interact within a few days. I don't understand the requests from people out of the country. From a technical standpoint, the site is a little confusing to figure out. 

I didn't originally have any criteria, and I try to create some sort of filter to get through the messages but even that has been inconsistent. Sometimes I want to just flirty chat and other times I like the idea of leading up to meeting for a hookup. 

What I didn't realize till later was that the guys pay PER MESSAGE. So for now, the cheapskates that immediately want to text or email or kik or snapchat don't get my attention. If I wanted to be treated poorly like a cheap date, I could live my normal life. See, what I mean by entertainment. On this app, I feel so powerful and desirable. I can say No!! Well sort of.. the ones I actively engage I actually feel bad trying to hold them off (like I said I run hot and cold). 

My best experience by far has been a love bomb by a 45 year old. He has messaged me constantly for about 5 days. And the messages range somewhere around 25 to 40 cents PER MESSAGE.  (I wish I could get a cut off that!) That part alone makes me love it! We are in this great erotic romance novel and it feels amazing.  It has been just the right amount of distraction I need to not focus so much on the few that actually want to hook up. 

But I feel he's starting to cool off a little. But hey, I made it past 2 days!!! Progress. 

Anyway, that's pretty much what I've been up to these last few days - compromising my morals and getting into things.

Oh I also got my hair done just in case a date materializes out of all of this.

It's funny, last night the well was a little dry and I was feeling a little forgotten and I wondered if I should just get off the apps and focus on work and self care (you know me... one extreme to the other), then I thought about messaging my old roommate from college. Nope! That was a good reminder of exactly what I'm in store for if I don't stay on the apps and try to either remain distracted or find a regular companion to help me pass the time. I will be pining for people that have not prioritized me in their life. I can't go back to that. Onwards, MERJ!


Other news

Nothing else really. 

I bought a freezer full of food and have been refusing to cook. I wonder if I should get another cooked food delivery like I did last year. The two dishes that I liked were great in a pinch. Warm and filling. Maybe I'll ask my brother for the local lady that cooks and ships food. My freezer is pretty full, but maybe I can squeeze in 2 to 3 more bowls just to have as backup. I think I will do that actually just to give myself options. 

I sent 2k overseas to my family when they asked. I did it without blinking. The only tricky part was I'm running lean on cashflow so had to move money around to get that much in one account. But it was actually an okay ask because I'd been wanting to send $500/mon anyway. So my giving for the year is done. 

I have a project that was just assigned that has the potential to keep me busy for the rest of the year. Womp, womp. I was just settling into my light workload life. Oh, well.  I have no meetings today so I have to figure out what to do with myself. 

I want some pancakes. 

37 Years Later Finally Learning to Say No

 I am a hopeful romantic.

I put up a lot of rules and the guys don't like it. Then it makes me think I need to re-evaluate my rules to "get them to like me." It sounds sickening just to type that. But who am I if not the blogger that bares her soul to strangers.

The latest Crush turned Terrible (it's so hard not to use profanity when that's the only way I can think of to describe terrible people) was a good example.

For the first 24 hours of matching, I was crushing on him hard. As I am wont to do (and I suspect most women), I mapped out the next 5 years to Life. 

In one version of the story, we would meet, have magical candy love and ride off into the sunset. 

In another version, we would meet, have a wonderful weekend together and date long distance for a few years and then confess our undying love for each other, move mountains, and live happily ever after.

You get the idea.

It's so fun! Until it isn't.

Turns out he's another thinly veiled Terrible. 

Literally, the fa├žade started to deteriorate but I was still holding onto my romantic fantasy... when...

Me: I'm a California girl at heart! 

Him: Yeah, you want that celebrity c*ck!

What in the heavens! For a second I thought I was talking to the 40 year old. Like... I have yet to have a serious conversation with anyone on these apps. It's like anxiety inducing. How soon will sex come up?  I almost appreciate the ones that bring it up right away so you know from the beginning.

I get it's a dating app and apparently dating means so many different things to so many different people. I'm put off by the guys that ask for a date right away, but then I'm not sure if that's the right stance since it is a dating app. 

But to me, the sheer volume of time, money, and effort that goes into an actually date only to find out 5 mins in that the guy is Terrible. For the ones that continue the chat on the app, the conversation dies so soon after with little effort that I'm always like, I'm so glad I didn't go on a date with you.

I've been using COVID as an excuse because I literally freeze when I'm put on the spot. 

One of them I gently redirected even admitted he hasn't gone on any dates. But yet was pushing me hard to go out publicly. 

I think for me it's like... inconsiderate? Why would I risk my life to hang out with you. 

So when I see guys's profiles that say things like "I don't want a text buddy" or "don't message me if you're not willing to meet," it makes me feel like I have to modify my behavior to "get the guy." BUT THAT'S THE WRONG MESSAGE.

My whole cry since birth has been why are women constantly evolving but guys can devolve or not grow at all and it's okay.

It's hard to have that battlecry though when everyone else around you has just folded.

I think I'm still just lost with wanting the fantasy and being faced with the reality. The constant lowering of standards because who wants to be 'dating' for years and years. 

Do I keep playing with the intention of what I want, or do I go in there with the scars of battlewounds. Who is my most authentic self?

And the sex question.

I literally have been called a slut (jokingly? is that ever a joke?) for sharing my history and then heckled if I say I'm inexperienced. I feel like a punchline at this point. This is literally every comedy writer's punchline but to live it. I wish I hadn't.  The next time I'm asked, I think I'll just say "the right amount."

But I'm in it for the sunk cost fallacy.

At the end of the day, nothing really surprises me as it's the story of Every Woman. But just to live it, is repulsive. 

It's still a distraction, but I wonder if it's the right distraction. It certainly isn't a positive experience. Am I even looking for love

In other news, against my gut instinct, I'm going for the first dose of the vaccine today. I really wanted to wait until January but I've been having reckless thoughts with the app so it's the lesser of 2 evils (getting sick or regretting not waiting till Jan).