I broke some of my rules today.
I had relegated myself to checking my email on certain days of the week.
Handling personal business emails - Tuesday.
Responding to social emails - Wednesday.
Today I was feeling like a contrarian and wanted to take it out on some people. Somewhere along the way I learned not to be disagreeable. So for whatever reason, it feels like a violation of a social contract when other people disagree with me.
More and more lately it bugs me when people disagree with or correct me. If they don't have to play by the rules, why should I?
I'm always in a tangle with the person I want to be out-loud vs the person I have to keep hidden.
This particular weekend I came to terms with the fact that the bottom of the barrel friends I was scraping up just aren't doing it for me. I don't know a simpler way to say it. I was right in my initial assessment to leave them in the past. I don't feel the way I want to feel. No one really cares that much about anything, including maintaining inconvenient friendships. I need these people to be available to me. The whole appeal of reaching out to old friends was not having to re-establish that history. But too much time has passed.
I'm really alone. I'm recommitting to another year of solitude.
The only little ray of hope was my manager. The fact that I could connect with her so easily (at least until the tarnish wore off) makes me feel like I'm not asking for too much. But the fact that it took 9 years to meet her is a little daunting.
So this morning I sent some disagreeable emails. Someone said something that I disagreed with, and I pointed it out. Of course on reflection, I realize what an undesirable character trait that is. It feels pedantic, when all I wanted was to feel heard.
Poptarts, bed, and a rude show on Netflix. Off I go.