Has it really been 3 months?

 eventhough it seems as though i've been retired for almost 3 months... it hits me like a surprise everytime i remember i have these large swaths of time with no plans...

i still try to fill it with plans...because that's what you do right? it's hard to know yet if this is wise or just programming...

so that's an adventure...

at first i was scared with no plans for the next 2 months (Jul and Aug) for this summer.... but after some time looking for things to do and cruises to take or trips to take or classses to take... i realized...actually just this evening...that hey, self!

you have no reading list, no homework, no work, no exams to study for, no semester coming up...and no idea what this is going to be like...once again...i have no real guidelines for the life i've chosen...

but i celebrated a little...did a little dance...and recounted all my past summers...working, looking for a summer job...getting ready for school, just finishing school, suffering, re-inventing myself... blah, blah....

it's harder than i thought to uncouple myself from the machine that is my former way of life...society...

i spent most of the last 2 days looking for cruises... i want to be gone for 2 weeks in july...i think...maybe i can pin a cruise onto the cruise i already don't want to take... to make it worth it... worth what? i don't know... i did find a calculation to try to understand what 'worth it' looked like. by tacking on the cruise i had in mind...i looked to see if that lowered the cost per day (that is, including the flight and possible hotel)... it didn't.. so i'm not sure what 'worth it' even means...

i just feel an urge to fill this free time...

part of it i planned to be 'away' this summer...and i'm objectively not. 

and to be honest, i don't even know if i like cruising...but i'm struck by the 'deal' part of it...and it is an awesome reset to not have access to wifi...and be okay! 

then i got momentarily overwhelmed with..what am i going to eat all summer...i mapped out 2 weeks worth of meals (at 1 meal/week) for the next 2 weeks...and got overwhelmed...

then earlier today i decided to have a little cookout of summer food... i'm going to make burgers... ala meal kit style ( i went to whole foods and bought ground beef and hopes it tastes like meal kit burgers!)... and fried plantain and s'more... i'm going to try hershey's dark chocolate...it has milkfat...and see how i do..

i read a book for a few hours...yes, just read for fun...

this might be the summer break i always dreamed of...

trying to recreate fond memories... not something to regret if doesn't work out...

i'm having my first independent solo girl summer...with no milestones to hit!

i just get to be happy...

see what i mean of realizing i'm retired...anew..

i don't know what i've been doing the last 3 months somehow...and the time has gone..

so yeah, as of this moment... i will hang out here for the month of july... go back to LA for the cruise... 

and then hang out here again for july...

i will try to see if i can extend the cruise when i get on board to see if that discount is much better...i have a number calculated...

i am still hoping to win a free cruise...so as charles calls it, it's field research...but if it doesn't work...i don't have to wonder.... (i might up the ante from $125 to $300 lost in the casino)...

but looking at things like delta cruises... you can find cheap cruises... it'll just be a matter of flights...but i think i'm confident i can do 2-3 cruises during burnout recovery...and that was kind of a loose idea of how much cruising i might want to do...

i'm sure it'll be fun to match good deals with flight deals...

anyway...somehow doing things to take care of myself... feels easier?...dude i'm really retired!