Struggle not mandatory

 I went to church I think all 4 Sundays in July.

The sermon series were Teachings in Daniel.

The guy I was trying to make my boyfriend was named Daniel.

I wanted it so badly to be a sign.

I kept hearing that name everywhere.

Then when I asked said boy about what relationship he admires, the name of the woman in the story was the same name as my aunt. I don't know anyone else with that name. 

I wanted it so badly to be a sign.

But I don't believe in signs or karma.

I remember when I got into Duke..or maybe when I applied to Duke. I was going to a UMC church at that time. Actually, I take that back. I saw some literature for Duke at a UMC church I attended in 9th grade, that's probably where I got the name.

I got in eventually. Nothing good came out of that Duke experience, not one thing.

I'm tired of listening to Bible stories of 80 years of struggle and then the promised land. What kind of life is that! 

I don't want it. I don't want one bar of it. Not one. 

This isn't the life I want. I would say it's not the life I agreed to but I didn't ask to be born. It's been 20 to 30 years and there are no answers as to why I'm here. I have no faith that the struggle is worth it because when I look to my family and friends and especially with family and friends dying, it wasn't worth it.

Not to me. 

Everything I prayed really hard for and gotten has been a bit of a poop sandwich. Getting into Duke - poop sandwich. Getting into Stanford - poop sandwich. Teaching- I didn't pray hard for that - poop sandwich. Getting into pharmacy school - poop sandwich. 

I think that was the last thing I prayed really hard for. Oh, my rotations my last year - but that was to get out of the poop sandwich. That actually did end up being okay.

So one prayer out of 38 years of prayer was not a poop sandwich?

I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for but the thing with gratitude logs is those things are fleeting. And it just makes me think of other things I want that I don't have and won't get. Mostly, it reminds me of the past.

A group of aunts are essentially moving into 1 house to be with their mom in her last years. A Golden Girls kind of situation. It seems cute, but for me all I see are a group of black women without partners because we live in a society where they are not the first choice.

I just see another Death House. 

Not to bury the lede, but about 1 sentence into this post, I applied for my handgun permit.

You have to know when to stop singing. When to say the race is done.

I'm tired of crying.

I don't even know how to blow all my money.

I know I won't because up until the moment I pull the trigger, I'll still keep hoping for hope. 

My biggest regret is that all this money I worked so hard to save is going to be left to my brother - who doesn't deserve it. But I don't have anyone else.

I guess it figures, even in death my life won't make sense.

Oops, I did it again!

 Yep, I messaged Slow Fade. Of course... I HAD TO EXPLAIN my position. JUST IN CASE HE THOUGHT I WAS THE one who wasn't interested.

Literally, this is what I did when I was 17.

But surprisingly, I don't think I've cried today. Just when I had cleared the 3 day mark, I decided to torture myself with waiting for a boy to text me back.

It's been 2.5 hours. It feels like an eternity.

As a committee member said, either he will not respond or he will politely/not politely tell you he's not interested.  Either way you will feel worse than you already do.

Sopresa! She's right.

But boy it feels so good to be rebellious. 

I joined 3 apps to try to help me wait out the anxious storm.

I don't know when to change my number.

Do I keep trying until I get it right? Or do I really try temperance for the rest of the year?

A part of me must crave the crazy.

This is exactly what I thought would happen at this age. So, I blame biology.

It's stronger than me.

So I'll just keep fumbling around.

At least I'm loosely committed to not changing my 401k contributions. That severely limits how much money I can throw at this nonsense.

Even though I don't know exactly how much time I have left in the workforce, I know it's limited.

I think I'll go to church tomorrow to finish out the month.

My plans for August include

- trying to see if I can sit through some cognitive behavioral therapy

- getting Peacock

and that's about it. 

Other things - figure out my life?

I just want this part of my life to be done.

The way I came close to taking my life makes me feel like this isn't a game I can really play. And God doesn't really dabble in romantic love. It's certainly not something I know how to handle on my own. And when I've tried to engage a professional, it just hasn't worked.

So do I grieve these relationships along with the possibility. I know it's not going to just happen.

I think my background goal is to sit still and transition into the end of days.

I'm torn between just staying in death house and melting away and trying to enjoy it and blow my money. I mostly want to live in a nicer apartment, and keep trying at living the friends and community life.

But I think that's incompatible with life.

But then I think, if I'm going to die anyway, what difference does it make?

I think these wild attempts... here come the tears... are just be avoiding the inevitable.

I'm going to die in this house, alone and lonely and empty on the inside. I'm just distracting myself from the truth and the grief and the loss.

I know this is the final stop for me and my craving for something other than this outcome is futile.

But I guess I'll keep clawing until I tire myself out.

I won't let go, God, until you bless me!

I just misread and article on Desiring God as, ' he was hoping for hope.' That's where I am. 

In Memoriam of all the boys I've ever loved

 Loved is a strong word so this is really a nod to the book and feature film of similar title.

It all started with Ryan.

I remember so little about him but he occupied my thoughts for at least a decade.

Secret Love was my Santa Claus. It gave me a reason to hold on, to believe that all the struggle was going to be worth it. 

So people keep asking me why do I fall so fast. I, for one, think they're lying. I am of the belief that all women fall fast. Once we get the penguin's pebble from a love interest we automatically start planning a future with that guy. That's why we catch and release at the slightest red flag that paints the picture a different way. Or we don't and it works out or sometimes it doesn't. 

But to those dirty hoes that are trying to make me feel bad for "catching feelings" fast, you're lying. You've been me. 

So when I'm lamenting for days and feeling forlorn and dramatic over yet another love lost, it's not that guy in particular but it's the weight of feeling even farther from this thing that literally gave me life. It gave me a reason to live.

How do parents live when they lose their only child? 

How do people live when they've only ever wanted to be a mother and can't? What is the love-forlorn's equivalent to Single Mom by Choice? 

So each date that doesn't work out is another audition that I didn't get a callback from. It's why I never pursued the creative arts, I can't take the rejection. My art is special to me, like my heart. Would CBT help with this? 

Is that the realistic solution as opposed to praying for a pure, perfect, romance? You pray for coping? I'm tired of coping though. 

So this was going to be a cathartic list of shame and regret.

It started with Ryan

then there were some names I don't remember

Ryan

Marc

Douglas

some college duds - maybe Max? maybe Alex? they don't ring a bell

Greg

some light loves - maybe Joe?

those were passersby

more recently, there was Dan

Jamie

Colin

Dan

there was that substitute teacher

there was that boy in grad school

I'm sure they all felt like this at one point or another

gosh, Douglas was one and I barely remember him now.

It's both hopeful (that I'll soon forget this moment) and incredibly sad.

Feelings can be both so strong and fleeting.

So to all these boys who are data points that show me that there's something about me that people can't love. They can't instantly love. They question. They leave and never look back. And I don't know what it is.

I wish I had never met any of you. You didn't make my life better. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never cried over you. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never laid eyes on you. I wish I had never been born so I could make absolutely sure I'd never cross paths with you.

I wish I had never spent a minute thinking about you or trying to win your affection, your love. I wish I had never used you as a metric for life-affirmation.

I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never decided my worthiness was tied to you in anyway. I wish I had never associated the word Love with any part of your being. Your essence.

I wish you were all dead. Not in that I want to kill you but that you never existed. I wish I had lived a different life that our paths never crossed.

I wish I could take back all the good things I thought and wished for you for those things were never returned to me. I wish I had never believed they would.

I wish I had never thought I could be happier with you. I wish I could just be happy. Because without you is the only life I know.

I wish there were no you.

For if there were no you, I could know what it was like to just be me. Not a me that's waiting for you. Not a you that's waiting for you for my life to begin or begin again. Not a you to run the next leg of the race with.

It's not a relay race for girls like me. It's not a relay race for me, I should say.

It's just a race. There's no help along the way. You run until you run out of breath. And then the race is just over. It's just over.

It's just over.

There's no more me and like I wish there is no you. You will cease to exist for I will cease to conjure you or think of you or carry on any memory of you.

I wish I had never met any of you. Those memories are bitter. They're constipating. I want to choke on them and spit them back out. 

I wish you had come with warning signs instead of flashing red lights of appeal.

I wish I had never met you.

If I could take back any day of my life it would be all of them for every day of my life is bookended by some old or new or fading memory of you.

I wish I had never met any of you.

I wish I could live my life never remembering that I ever knew or cared about you.

I wish I had never met you.

5p and it still sucks

 I don't want to live another minute if I have to live this life alone. I wish I had some indication that things are looking up for me in terms or partnership. I wish I had something to hold on to. 

I hate to say I won't be happy without a partner but I've already done all the stuff I want to do by myself. I don't want to do another thing by myself. Not.One.Thing.

Did you know I've spent almost $30k this year already. Wow, that's my usual spend for the year and it's still July!

That's twice what I spent all of last year and we're barely past the halfway mark.

I'm not even that concerned.

Luckily, my investments are going back up! I'm only 10% down from a record low of about 20% down. I was tempted to send the message just now and that was causing another anxious storm.

So I'm determined to send the message, I think. But if I do, let's wait the 2 months. I will have to determine if it's worth launching myself into another anxious storm. Spoiler: Mean Brain always tells me it's worth it. This Time Will Be Different, it lies.

Just think, if I had stopped after 3 months or even three bad experiences on Hinge, I would have been 7 months freed. 

But it's after 5p, so I technically made it the 3 days without contacting the boy!

If I can do that, I can do anything!

If I had just deleted my number and moved on in June, I could've been done with this.

But what's confusing is this.

Everyone said he wasn't into me and he wouldn't text.

Even after that first week back, I believed it.

But he was into me (at least enough to see me again) and he did text. So now my data seems a bit corrupted.

Sure he's not hopelessly in love with me, but really who is?

And he did plan the trip which was the metric. Even looking up flights from where I live. I just didn't know.

So now what do I do?

It got really dark a minute ago

 I think if I had a gun, I would have offed myself about 5 minutes ago. I just couldn't handle it. I'm tired of feeling like I don't know how to live my own life. 

I don't understand why it's such a struggle.

I was going to kill myself literally over a boy. A boy. A dumb boy! It sounds so crazy. You hear about these stories and you wonder what were they thinking.

He wasn't even my boyfriend. It really wasn't about him.

I guess it's about me? Maybe it's a little about him.

I'm a blip on his radar. A thing. An object that he won't remember in a week, a month, a year. And I will have been gone forever.

When I think about it, my goal however misguided and not thought through was to ask him if he wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't think through how I was going to get out of the conversation gracefully. I didn't think through how I would feel if he said no. I didn't think through that it could've been a future yes.

All I thought was it was already a No, but now I want him to say it. 

So many things happened between when I thought it was a No to when I actually asked the question. I didn't consider those things.

So it's not so much the boy as myself - this feeling that I keep messing up and the thing I want just keeps slipping right out of reach.

Then I am scrambling to put the pieces back together again.

How am I right back here. Geez, can I get through one summer break without distress. First it was work, then FIRE, now this.

Can I get a break.

Can I coast?

Can I just be happy.

I just signed up for a free trial of one of the mood apps to get access to the cognitive behavior tool. It didn't help.

I don't mind having tools to help me live longer but I need to know that it's worth it. So far, the data doesn't support it.

Is life a cake that I'm meant to enjoy if I can just mix it all together in just the right away but right now I just keep eating the flour and salt separately?

There's just no evidence that that is true. The 8 billion people on earth doing this 'life' thing just can't be right - can they?

All I see all around me is struggle.

My contention remains - no one has to convince me to eat cake. That's what life should be like right?

So I didn't text the boy and I also didn't kill myself.

Progress right?

Revised Death Date: Jan 31, 2030 (age 45)

 I was trying to think how much longer I can put in to this life. How many more hours I can endure a life I never asked for but tried to make work...and couldn't.

Apparently, we've been here before. I have a post it note dated Jun 2020 that has a revised death date of Jan 31, 2020 (age 45). 

I think the note before it was a little bit longer.

I don't want to wait another 10 years and wonder what about me is unlovable and undesirable (unpromotable, un-DESIRABLE). I know I said it twice.

I'm tired of feeling the downs.

My life feels like this latest fling. It was this thing that never quite fit but yet I got loosely attached to and it became familiar but in the end it was this high stakes game that I can't win. And the highs just weren't high enough. It was this thing that magnified all my insecurities and inaccuracies and "opportunities for improvement." How do you win a game that plays to your weakness? And what is the prize anyway?

So with 7 years on the clock, do my choices still make sense?

With romantic love completely off the table, does my life still make sense?

People like to try to comfort you with these horror stories of relationships. I'm not asking for a horror story. I want the real thing. Biblically, God can't make us love him, there's no way he can make us love each other. Without his divine intervention, I can't do this on my own. And He won't intervene in these matters. 

If we are to recognize our limitations, I knew at a very early age that this world was not for me but I stuck it out through the milestones in the hopes that I would overturn that one stone that would make it all make sense. That would make it all worth it. FIRE was my last milestone.

None of it has been worth it. Not one thing. It's a big reason I got the hysterectomy - I don't enjoy life enough to bring another person into this world. I never have.

I tried so hard, World. I just wish I could let my family know.

So what do you do with a life when you only have 7 years left to live?

It's actually fitting for me. To have this time frame. To have these guardrails. 

It'll be 10 years to the day since my aunt died. Her death kind of seems arbitrary in the timeline, but it's symbolic. I needed something to anchor this decision. I can put up with most things for 10 years I determined. I knew that a while ago too.

What am I going to do with all this money?

Do I just blow it all?

I think I'll take the next year or 2 to figure it out. So that will give me 5 to 6 years to spend it all. There was a part of the story where I leave it to my relatives overseas. Why shouldn't they get a piece of this dream?

There's no one I trust to make that happen. 

I'm so curious to see what it's like to fly without a parachute.

Fri, 11a

 I'm so tired of waiting, waiting for my life to start. 

I want to see him again.

I'm going to message him. 

I'm already planning next year's rendezvous.

Temperance is not working!

I hate this!

I bought 3 mega millions tickets by the way. I feel like I'm going to win. I'm going to win only because it will complicate everything. 

I know my brain is lying to me, but I can't help it. 

How do I fast forward out of this place.

I think by not reacting badly, it leaves the door open for hope and I want to keep that door firmly shut.

I don't want to save my dignity.

What's the end of this story?

What do I have to look forward to the next 5 months?

It's done

 The phone is turned off and in the closet. I just finally unpacked my suitcases and put them in the scary closet so I know I won't be tempted to go in there. If I were really serious and had the forethought, I would've put the phone in the nested suitcases in the scary closet. Then I'd really never get it back! 

Today is day 3 since I contacted the boy and he never called me or texted me back.

Yes, if I could turn back time, I would. I would not have asked. I forgot I'm clinging to breadcrumbs but I went for the whole enchilada. It's just so silly because it's things I already know. Never ask. You know a guy likes you because he says I like you and I want you to be my girlfriend. But then there's this other narrative that says you need to require him to do stuff...like he doesn't treat you like a girlfriend because you don't require him to be a boyfriend.

I was anxious but happy seeing this atheist recreational drug user because the alternative was this - living life alone with nothing to look forward to.

But there was a part of me that was self-sabotaging. I didn't want the anxiety of sitting through the what-ifs. And I didn't have the experience that affords the confidence to just enjoy the experience without firm attachment. My history just whispered he's not that into you that's why you're not his girlfriend and he will leave you when he finds someone else and you will be even more invested than you already are.

When the narrative should have just been - you enjoy each other's company, just enjoy yourself and let it be what it is. I'm remembering a committee member's relationship that I observed from the outside. It took him about 2 years to realize how good he had it, when I realized instantly, duh, you have everything you need in this woman - physically, emotionally, and financially. But you just have to wait for people to get there on their own.

So I guess 2 years is a better timeframe than 2 weeks or 2 months. It's like with financial independence, you can't cram it down any one's throat. So I would say Temperance is not going well for me this year. 

But this is a known. I now think he's the love of my life and I will never find anyone else when really all it is - man, starting over with someone else sounds annoying. I'm tired of telling the story and getting to know someone new and investing even 1 more ounce of my time, energy, or other resource. 

The newness is gone. 

I don't want to die...just yet

 Lessons learned from every love interest:

I always jump the gun. 

I always fall too fast.

I always want to fast forward to the end.

I always forget I DESERVE TO BE EARNED. ( I literally knew this when I was 12.)

I always forget the social conditioning and the roles our evolutionary (or lack thereof) biology.

I always, always think there is secret love.

I never accept the No. 

I never accept that people have agency to move on.

I have 40 years of bad data...well good consistent, reliable data that me being a scientist has failed to ignore. 

I'm so smart and pretty and nice but for whatever reason these romance outcomes are hard to swallow. I think because it just doesn't make sense. But no matter HOW HARD I TRY, I can't change the social conditioning of an entire generation, species, or gender. I just can't. 

I think I'm going to go on a 30 day detox from my cell phone. Go back to my simple Android phone that just works on wifi. 

Objective: just a mental reset. reboot to a safer space. a safer emotional space. emotional recovery. i was unsuccessful at dating. i don't want to set any intentions with what i will do in the future.

reaching fire has caused so much emotional turmoil with this need to now make the BEST decision possible to enjoy whatever time I have left. but maybe it is like the lottery where you just need to sit on it for like a year and make no big decisions. FIRE happened about 4 years earlier than expected which I am forever grateful for but for a methodical person like me it is not without upheaval. 

i mean it's what I hoped and prayed for and it seemed like it was never going to happen even when I was living just above the poverty level and hoping to accelerate my growth, it was just a dream. and dreams don't come true for girls like me.

I don't really have a year because anything wild and crazy that costs money above my target $20k/yr spend will need to happen in the next 20 or so months. So really like a year. The year I'm supposed to be acting like this big monumental thing didn't just happen. 

I don't want to think too much about what happens next because there was one part of me that was transitioning into this solo life and abandoning these loose connections i have with the current people in my life.

this is why i never wanted a phone. i got fooled by my colleague. it has caused turmoil. so i'm turning my phone off and putting it away for 1 month. 

it was like a hope stone that turned into a death accelerator.

all the puzzle pieces made a nightmare.

In other news, I maxed out my 401k for the year! Remember when that was a cause for celebration. It still is but as long as I keep making money (i.e. working) and nothing catastrophic happens, this is a likely outcome. It's not a feelings variables for me. It is something I can control with the above conditions.

I wrote a bunch of stuff in my notebook on my way too long commute from DC. 

Hey listen, I made it 7 months out of a year where I mostly wanted to be dead. That's something. That's 58%!

58% of what, I don't know but for a girl where every single minute is a struggle, that's something... I think. 

Crying over a pothead

 This is what my life has come to. Did I tell you I added and deleted Hinge over basically 1 train ride.  In my angst of reaching out to the last boy who paid even a little bit of attention to me, I ended up reaching out to Racist Friend.

I asked for contact information for a mutual friend. We had lunch for about an hour. It was okay. I feel empty inside. You know when you run out of tears.

I've pretty much blown up Seattle Guy's phone over the last few days. I think secretly I want to close the door forever. Like Margaret Cho once said, if they don't like me, I'm going to make them hate me! 

I know this feeling won't last forever. I just have to get through 3 days.

I couldn't sleep because I think I'm killing birds that keep flying into the window. So I checked my phone. Looks like my aunt gave my phone number to my cousin who I didn't really want to see. Now what do I do?

I called the boy. I think I'm still looking for some affirmation that there's something there. I maybe sent over a dozen messages today, and he sent one text back.

I'm looking for anything at this point. Anything.

I just feel sooo sad. I don't want this life, not anymore.

It's not him, it's just impending feeling of nothingness.

I don't want to fall in love at 50 or 60. I want love - true, awesome, life affirming, beautiful, perfect love. Or I don't want this life at all.

The day will come when I will Marie Kondo myself out of life altogether. 

Oh what sweet joy that will bring.

What a life when the thing that brings you the most hope and happiness is the day it ends. 

So I don't really want to hang out with my cousin. Do I tell her? Do I ghost her?

Am I jealous? Maybe? 

For whatever reason, on the train ride, I thought opening my life up to more people would help buffer the hurt I feel about this pothead boy. This boy is literally a recreational drug user. 

Today when I was hanging out with my college friend, there were quite a few moments I was reminded of Dumb Boy and I just wanted to tell him. I think this is Mean Brain just trying to confuse me. 

I know he'll stop responding, but I called so I could speed that up. I know this game, I've played before.

I just don't know what happens next - accept the people in my life or just keep refusing it because it's not what I want.

So,  I think there is a part of me that still wants to make the best of the next 18- 20 months before that final bonus day. I want to live in the city and try this full life thing with interests and hobbies. 

Because I know once I leave the workforce that possibility goes out the window. But I know if I choose Seattle, I'll focus on dating. I think that's why I want to run out This Boy so that I can close this door once and for all. 

But what to do with the others - the lingering friends and family. 

I don't know yet. But whether I want to acknowledge it or not, time is running out. 

I think I may just have to accept, that this is yet another perfect opportunity that I just couldn't make the most out of. Like all these other cool meet-cutes and cool date ideas and cool opportunities that just seemed tailor-made for the life I wanted.

I guess that's it. 

I wanted The Slow March to start after Mar 2024, but anything that involves other people and outcomes I can't control are just that - out of my control.

So yeah, this isn't the life I want. I don't want to hang out with my cousin. I don't need to be reminded of anyone's happiness, not right now.

I want to pout and eat my cookies. 

 So I did the thing. I asked the boy if he was interested in pursuing a relationship with me, and he said No.

No minced words.

It will be okay in the end. I don't have to guess, or so I thought. But now there are still what -ifs. Oh, the what-ifs.

I'm sure I'll be okay eventually.

But I'm still stuck in the human phase of  - what did it all mean?

Why'd you want to keep in touch?

Why'd you tell me you'd planned for us to meet in New Orleans later this summer? For what? Just to hookup?

Why'd you let me come. You owe me 2 thousand dollars!

I wish I would have made you pay for all the meals. In my heart that's what I wanted to do, but why cause a stir. 

I'm glad I at least had the sense not to stay with you all nights because I would have blurted out the relationship question and it would've been an awkward 4 days. 

So yes bald smelly short guys on dating apps are still holding out hope for perfect 10s. So if he's not making you feel like a perfect 10 right away, keep it moving sister.

Niceness does not equal interest. Isn't that how plenty of guys get in trouble with their spouses. I do think they have evil intentions even though they play it off as nice.

So yes, so continues this slow, awkward, often unpleasant march towards death. 

And just like that I'm over it

 It's funny how it works out that way. So Saturday in a moment of acute distress, I messaged Slow Fade 2 from my work phone! The significance of my work phone is that it's a legitimate cell phone number. So it's not a Google Voice number that I can delete and move on when the situation gets too distressing.

No, if he rejects me, I have to sit in that distress every single day he doesn't reach out for as long as it takes to get over it. I thought I could handle it. I'd thought about using one of my other Google numbers but I thought my NC area code would be more impactful. I thought about using my old work Google Voice number, but I think I got lazy and forgot. I don't know.

In that moment, I was like I can handle it. Let me tell you, after 9 minutes with no response, I COULD NOT HANDLE IT!

I was in a tizzy. I was spinning. I had nothing to do but sit in that distress and it sucked. I couldn't delete my number and escape the situation. 

I was a scared little girl all over again asking someone (anyone) to just love me. 

Fast forward to now. It's Monday.

Slow Fade actually responded on Saturday. I thought I'd made a clear ask about making "this work." But when we ended the phone call yesterday, he said "keep in touch." So, I don't know if he's playing dumb or what.

Anyway, I spent much of Saturday, Sunday, and today clicking around trying to find the best time to go to Seattle. I was battling a couple variables - going sooner rather than later to build momentum, inventory, and the Seattle heat.

Nothing is really lining up. Inventory is pretty low and you need Google money to afford what's left. I don't have Google money. My thoughts on it keep changing, but at last thought, it seemed more cost efficient to go for a month later in August for about $5-6k, than for 7-10 days for about $3500. 

When I tallied up any extra cash across my myriad of accounts, I could scrounge up around $8k for this and any future trips I'd wished for this year.

The thing is, in the 2-4 weeks since leaving Seattle, I'm finally settling into my life here in hot, horrible, NC. 

I was going to finish July on my futon. And similarly with August. My walking group had even started walking in the mall so that means I can attend. I could volunteer one day a week, and then Conservative Video Church on Sundays - and there you have it a few events a week to get me out of the house.

I was set.

I was going to get through July. And hope for August.

I'd deleted the app (for the umpteenth time) just the other day after finally feeling burned out. 

Now this! But even as I type this - no one is actually forcing me to go to Seattle.

But I guess that's where I'm going with this. I see why people don't do long-distance. It's hard, and it's annoying.

Basically, I have a lot of fear and anxious feelings about meeting up again. I don't have a reason really to naturally find myself in Seattle.

We'd already decided that. And with dating out of the picture, it's lost its appeal. Side note -I think San Fran is even cooler in summer months than Seattle so next summer I might have an even cooler reprieve. 

I don't know, it's not really working out with the rentals and flights and the cost and I think my general mood. I'm tired of thinking about it, so I'm kind of over it. 

I think waiting 1 month to see him again will be too stressful. I'll feel like I have to play it cool or I'll waste my money. But I don't really want to spend the month of August in Seattle. I feel like it's going to be really hot and that doesn't sound that fun. 

Saturday morning

 I had a bit of an adrenaline rush this morning! I actually "confronted" my neighbor, which for a non-confrontational person like me means asking him to move his dumb car that keeps blocking my driveway. I have no idea what next steps are when he parks his car in the same spot.

Well I did the thing. 

I finally got my debit cards for the new bank. In reading some fine print online, I keep finding more surprise fees - dormant fee and a $10 fee if you go over the 6 transactions you're allowed on a Savings account.

I know this is a federal thing but I've never been charged a fee for it. And when I read the fine print some more, the High Interest Checking is only with debit card transactions and I won't get that because I use my checking account mostly for Bill Pay.

I did make 5 cents on the $100 I have in savings which is more than I've made in my credit union's savings account which has more than a thousand dollars in it. So, I don't know.

I'm so used to spending weekends trying to solve or ruminate over money problems, it's just habit now even though I don't enjoy it the same way I did in the past.

I got a new bank bonus payout. So I'm up to $1500 for the year. Most of it was through credit card sign-up bonuses though. There aren't many bank bonuses I haven't done. 

I'm having a hard time forgetting about Slow Fade 2. I don't know why. I half-heartedly re-activated my Gmail account last night. But then I felt tempted to email the Mormon so I deleted it again. I want the Voice number to activate but it kept having an error message. 

I almost want to go Seattle just to spite myself - just be like see, stop thinking this is some paradise where you fall in love and live happily ever after. Nothing will be different here. 

I even looked up Slow Fade's phone number online, so I could contact him again if I wanted. You know, just forget about the part about him ghosting me essentially for 3 weeks. Somehow, things will be different this time! 

I surprisingly scarfed down 2 large breakfast sandwiches like they were 2 jelly beans. That's a first! 

I binge read Refinery 29's Money Diaries from time to time and it's making me think maybe I should do that to keep me busy and occupied this summer. 

I don't know. Writing about money at this stage is not that exciting. Just as I was laser focused on FIRE and all my decisions were grounded in that focus, all I can think about is being single and wanting a boyfriend. It is all I think about. Every encounter, interaction, smell, taste, food, thought somehow comes back to that.

I watch people fighting on TV, and I think, if that were me, I'd handle it a different way. Why isn't that me? 

I started chatting with someone new on Hinge on my train ride, and now that's keeping me from deleting the app. I really need a clean break but I like to torture myself it seems. I think I'm ready though. There's nothing left for me on the app. I spent 9 months (on and off) and didn't get very far. It would have been nice to even remain friends with some of these people but it's as though we never even met. 

What's that verse I like - I never knew you. 

Is it actually just random?

 I think my aunt passing in such an unceremonious way really got me thinking - is life really just random? How romantic it is to believe in destiny and fate and karma. But I don't have good data that those things really exist.

Maybe that's why the fantasy of it is so alluring. There must be a reason all these bad things are happening. I must have done something good to deserve all these good things.

This doesn't make me question my faith, but in 38 years I've looked for signs and hidden meanings to so many life decisions, and the results are at most inconsistent. I want to say inconclusive, but I think I can safely conclude that there is no meaning to life. 

I was born because my parents made a baby. That search for higher meaning and higher power has left me emotionally exhausted, and to what end? 

It does release me from the grief of the past of thinking I'd missed my "destiny." It's not so much my destiny as I took a wrong turn somewhere and got stuck in the woods. I think it was all this looking for meaning and symbols that keeps getting me turned around.

So for me, my life works out better without this stronghold of "meant to be" or higher meaning. It's something I've been slowly singing for most of my life, but now I believe it more strongly than ever.

I think also in that quest for meaning, I tend to put myself down somehow. My only quest now is to quiet Mean Brain. But she doesn't have much of a strong hold without this thirst for meaning. 

If I eat nails today, there's no meaning.

If I had gotten robbed yesterday, there's no meaning. I just encountered a robber. 

So I guess the next 2 years is just me trying to rewire my brain. 

Life really isn't that serious.

You know this all ties back to Seattle. So if I go to Seattle this weekend, next month, the month after, next year or never go again, literally nothing happens. There's no butterfly effect. My life isn't automatically changed for the better or worse. 

There's some comfort in it but it's also an arduous task to re-imagine life. To feel like geez, I really am in control of alll my future outcomes?! That's a heavy load! Well obvi, not in control of my outcomes so much as I can control as much as I can control. That doesn't say much, but I can't end world hunger or stop people from treating me badly. 

But there's no meaning to those things. It's not because I did something to deserve any of those outcomes. 

Honestly, I feel a little lighter, but I know this feeling won't last. It's 38 years of uncoupling to do. I certainly don't want to spend 38 more years doing that. I'll try my best within the next 2 years, then I won't try anymore. I might only try for 1 more minute.

Anyway, I came on here to talk about how great my trip was. I took Amtrak and it was an okay experience. I was just pleased as punch that it was the pleather seats that are easily wipeable and not fabric seats that store all the things.  I had plenty of leg room. The seats reclined. I took the appropriate snacks and I dressed appropriately.

My hotel room was clean and snug.

We had delicious food at the lunch meeting with great grandboss. And I'm doubly proud of myself for going to the dinner and not dying. It was fun to talk to people.

Afterward, I felt like wow, I don't suck at making friends or small talk. I almost felt a little sad not going to the picnic.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I think I probably need to keep my race comments to myself and I did make some comments about people's appearances that are harmless but I think no longer belong in the workplace - namely, your hair is so curly and you're smaller than I thought. Just in case you were wondering.

I'm a bit out of practice, but I think just this wondering and second guessing is what I don't like. One of my colleagues even wanted to hang out with me when she comes down for a beach vacation with her family.

I thought that was very sweet. But it's weird now that we've already met.

And actually the week she will be in NC, I will be in DC. I thought we could squeeze something out that Sunday, but if I'm as tired as I am now after a week of being around people, it's probably a no. 

And then I remembered, my no going out after 70 degree weather. Haha, it's so convenient. 

Then I checked my email and there's a voicemail from the EAP people, my counselor is "no longer available." My first thought was the wording means she dumped me as a client. Rude! Honestly, the data showed me this when she cancelled our appointment a month or so ago. So glad I wasn't depending on her to help me figure out what to do with Slow Fade 2. 

I will say my brain was tingling to try to contact her earlier, so I think my spidey senses are back. I wish there was a class to better channel my powers. 

Oh well. I am left to navigate this world alone. Much like dating, I tried counseling because the world told me to, and it was not a good fit. That's what the young kids say now, right?

If 3 is going to be my number going forward in this solo journey, then, I might go to Seattle for a third time. The only question is if I'll do it this year or next.

Because I want to be done with dating and all things mean, I want to do it this year. But there is also a part of me building a narrative of "summering" somewhere cool. I already decided my "summer" dates would be around Memorial Day (my unofficial start of summer) and Fourth of July (right before peak heat). And I had my sights set on Seattle because #easychoice.

There's really only 1 more summer left that I could potentially do this because part of the fun is working from a different place and being able to have fun the other part of the day. 

The biggest variable is if I'll have the time next year with my work schedule. Right now, while I do want to get this dating monkey off my back, there is some comfort in punting it to next year with the small chance that it will fall off the radar. And I get to heal, and maybe somewhere new will pop up.  Plus, there will be a fresh round of candidates and maybe some of the old duds will return for me to be the one that ghosts them. Oh, Petty Brain, how I've missed you!

I mean honestly, I hope I forget each and every one of them, but we know that won't happen. I can always #FeignIgnorance. I like this plot even better. 

So yeah, I'm kind of over Seattle, she says perked up on cookies. We'll see what happens when the boringness settles in. 

Oh well, that's what I've been up to the last few days. I'm very proud of myself for changing my 401k back to the higher contribution in the midst of rejection fog. Change the things you can! Don't worry about the things you can't! 

It'll be good to have this week off  (between work trips I mean). And then look forward to next week. And then the week after that I can relax.

And the summer walking ladies group is moving to mall walking for the summer! Yess! So I might be able to partake. That will be nice. So I'll have a Friday activity and if I still keep going to Conservative Video Church, that's 2 days of outings! 

There's a food drive tomorrow. I just checked the weather, and it will be 70+ starting at 2a, the event is at 8a. That's a no. I already was thinking I'm too tired to go, so that solidifies it.

And with no meaning to life, I don't have to second guess my choices. Just plug and chug.

If it makes you unhappy, then what

 I thought I'd made up my mind about Seattle, but here we are. I definitely don't get the same high as I did dreaming about it. Why do I like to break my own heart. 

I wish I'd brought my iPad with my mood tracker app. Sigh. 

The train ride although long was actually not that bad. The key is good snacks and no next door neighbors.

I want to break up with my brain but I don't know which one. 

Do I just let it go.

Some thoughts...

- Maybe this is like winning the lottery, where you don't make any big purchases in the first year? 

   -- the problem with that is.. I may only have a couple more years of cash flow

  --- but with this theory, then I kind of sit back and relax till like next Mar 2023. that actually might help. my theme for this year was temperance.... hmmm

- Okay, so without a job or bigger reason to be in Seattle, maybe I just go for cuffing season in Sept and Oct, just to date. 

---- but maybe this was as good as it gets, and I just let it go

---- my concern is...what the heck do I do for the next 3 months? 

------ my concern with letting it go, is that I feel like I'm playing 11th hour chicken with God except he's not playing.. you know...well God, I give up...and then expect him to lure me back with magic candy romance ...except if it didn't work for virtually everyone in my family and family friend group, what makes me so special?

- So what are the facts? What exactly are my choices?

    - go to Seattle Sept to Oct OR don't go

    - well I at least feel committed to staying and saving for remainder of Jul and Aug; but honestly that doesn't excite me quite as much as it used to

 ----- why don't I just stay put and release myself from dating app torture and searching rentals until say... Aug 21st... it's a Sunday

--- honestly, maybe who cares...while it seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity, that I need to capitalize on, the truth is...it doesn't matter in the end.

---- I resisted moving to that industrial town growing up; I resisted not being able to go 4 year college after high school; I resisted moving to hood adjacent house; and in the end resistance was futile. I lived in that terrible town and left when I got a chance. I went to community college and was so hell bent on graduating from a "good college" that I missed the chance to go to pharmacy school sooner and ended up in massive debt. And I moved to hood-adjacent house and was able to reach FIRE faster - that was a combination of COVID, higher paying job, and the lower rent though. I feel just as miserable as I thought I would feel, but then I get to go to the grocery store and virtually 90% of places, and I'm never the only black face. So there's that. 

- I've had numerous opportunities over the last couple years that seemed like the perfect opportunity for a better social and family life, and I got over those. I'll just add this to the pile.  Even this month is no different, and here I am halfway through it. So I'll get over a boring August stuck in the hot Death House, and likewise Oct and Nov. 

Back to the grind of living in the space of the life you have vs the one you imagined. It's familiar. I know this place all too well. Every so often, someone or something reminds me and I get stuck, but in the end, I only have the life I have. 

Where to even start

 Right before I wake up, I seem to have the best titles and content. But I guess the time between that and making it to my home office is way too much for my short term memory.

I woke a up a bit melancholy.

I had an 11p EST virtual date last night with an Oldie from Hinge. I think he was in his early 50s. Yes, just like when I was in my late 20s, my late 30s seemed old. Early 50s seems ancient and honestly a little inappropriate.

I was having some mixed feelings when I rejoined Hinge to try to get the attention of Slow Fade 2. I think I'm starting to tease out what those feelings are. I think I feared being faced with the reality that yes, he isn't pining away from me (as his 3 week ghosting should have clued me in). But I want so badly to believe in magic candy romance. 

So I've tried filtering for him and I think he has his age parameters set for younger girls. Gross. I think this because he doesn't show up in my feed and he does show up in my burner profile's feed who is aged 34. Yuck.

But don't let the gross and yuck fool you, I'd still take him if he wanted me. But he doesn't. 

Plus the cool dream place I'd found on AirBnB is super booked! They'd had this good deal that'd gotten my attention. A Lakehouse steps to the lake and a cute little neighborhood. The more I read, the more I was interested. I even bookmarked it. Because I'm not quite as spontaneous as I want to be and I didn't have a big plan for this summer, it took me a while to figure out that I might enjoy a lakehouse getaway with or without a boy.

I just hate the feeling that I'm letting this particular opportunity in my life pass me by and I'm not taking advantage of it. I pretty much lazed around yesterday. The opportunity, to be clear, being all this free time and free money. For once I'd rather be spending my extra cash rather than investing it and even that has proven hard to do. Imagine! 

But yeah, like a human, once I lost the lakehouse I suddenly imagined myself spending magical summers there. Lazing around the lake. I even looked up purchasing a standup paddleboard. The pictures that were posted - I imagined those were me and my friends. Bonfires, late night dinners, fun chats.

Oh yea, that's not real, MERJ! For starters, you don't actually have any friends! And my hair is not lake water ready! But either way, I imagined inviting over a boy and just having this getaway together. Sigh. 

If only we could bring our imagination to life with just sheer will.

Anyway, as for my virtual date, I'm a bit disappointed that I again didn't speak up for myself. He wanted an 8p call, but that's 8p PST because my location is set to Seattle again. Ugh, that was 11p EST and I haven't been staying up that late recently. I thought about cancelling or trying to reschedule but the momentum of confrontation is more than I had to give. Plus, in my last test run, I was trying out being a Yes girl.

In the darkness, I remembered that Slow Fade pushed a lot of boundaries that in hindsight I really should have spoken up for myself. But I don't know anymore. My contention remains that I don't know the boundaries myself between agreeable and pushover. 

Oh but as for the Oldie, he revealed that he was a gambling addict. I'm so starved for conversation and attention, that I agreed to another date. I guess this is how ghosts are made. He was nice enough and I don't have the heart to confront him that I'm not interested. Although I'm not prioritizing speaking up for myself, my commitment to myself is to protect myself financially (physically and emotionally). While he hasn't gambled in 20+ years, the risk is still there. I believe everything, and I worked too hard to save this money for someone to trick me into losing it. 

I can't seem to get the attention of Slow Fade or Mormon and the Seattle Dream is like a dim memory these days so I don't know that I need to be on the app much longer.

July will be over soon and then there's August. I might start the dance class, I might not. But the fantasies of Love and starting over in Seattle are fading like the dream of being a child actress. It would've been nice, more than nice, but the reality is it just didn't happen. 

I feel okay

 Hmmm... I actually feel fine. I started tracking my moods on a couple apps. I really think some of these intense feelings might be menstrual related but since I don't have a uterus, it makes it hard to track my cycle.

Maybe I'll see a pattern.

Weekends are so hard. I really need to find something to do with them. Especially Sundays!

I got my hair done yesterday and she pulled so hard I wanted to cry. And she burned me A LOT. Last night it was hard to sleep because my head was sore. And I think she trimmed like 4 inches off. It took me like 3 months to grow that. 

I was just stewing over a bunch of stuff - not speaking up at the hair salon. And just all the trauma of getting my hair done, I think that's why I hate doing it now. It's ALWAYS a bad time, but like you just have to suffer through it because what's the alternative. It's pretty much the story of my life.  (Although, I think if I go again, I might take my own hair dryer and try to get her to use it so I'm not burned as much.)

And just worrying about confronting the neighbor because I noticed I've been scratching my car on their trashcans because they double park. So to avoid scraping their car, I'm scraping up mine! I don't want to do that.

My trip. I haven't packed well or thought about it. It's been awhile since I took the train anywhere so not sure what to expect. I need snacks for the trip and for while I'm there. Actually, now that I think about it, I might be able to stock up on snacks at the cafeteria at least for the next day. So maybe I just worry about tomorrow. Just take it easy, MERJ.

I am getting better at that slowly. Boy, money is amazing. These are the moments when having money and not as aggressively saving helps. Yay.

I wasn't sure if ...actually I don't know where that thought was going.

So there's a week between work trips. There was a 1% chance of me going to Kenya to crash a committee member's trip, but after the time they had, that's a hard no. I thought again about going to Seattle just to meetup with Slow Fade. But that's fantasy because we're not even in contact. 

I wanted to get on the app to see if he'd reach out. I don't know if I'm ready for the outcome if he doesn't. I don't want to spiral. 

Since the Seattle Decision there is some calm there as far as the decision making process, but there's also some sadness. I had hoped for a different outcome, naturally.

So I'm just managing those emotions I suppose. But it leaves me with.. what exactly do I do with the next 3 months, not even including July. I'm not complaining about the lighter workload, I just wish I could capitalize on it in a fun way. 

That's all for now. I'm kind of over planning for this one day trip, so I'll just make do with what I have unless I feel inspired later. 

The Seattle decision

So I jotted some notes down about my Seattle decision as I was getting my hair done in the torture chair. Basically, I'm not going. I want to go. I can afford to go. I have the time to go.

But if I go with the goal of developing a social life to include dating/ searching for a life partner, I'm setting myself up to fail. That can't be a primary goal. It can't be a primary goal for me because my ability to influence the outcome is limited.

I can only be myself. I can't make anyone like me or love me. So in my book, it's not an "achievable" goal. I don't know what the right word is, but it's not something for which I can take steps toward a known outcome.

Outcomes that depend on other people are not achievable goals for me.

Going the first time, I just wanted to escape NC and stop crying. I can achieve those outcomes by sheer force of will. Just by getting on the plan and arriving in Seattle, I was able to accomplish part of the goal.  

The second time around, I just wanted to go on dates; I was going to say yes to dates. Sure there was a chance I wouldn't get asked out which is why the bigger goal was to live in a city, and do city girl things, and really just to get out of the house at least 3 times a week. But I'd also been on the apps a few times to know that I would get asked out at least a couple times (by people I wasn't interested in), I just had to say yes. 

So I was able to achieve those goals.

The sheer fact of me being in Seattle doesn't accomplish the goal of making friends or falling in love. 

So I can't go. I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak and there are enough people and circumstance doing that for me, I can't do that to myself.

I committed to protect MERJ - physically, emotionally, and financially. 

When I've moved before, it's for jobs or school and pursuing a social life was a good active Secondary goal. But the default goal was the job or the degree. 

Even if I were to move over seas (as I've wanted to in the past)...the goal there might be to experience life in another country or learn to speak a new language or live life in another language. The goal would be achievable and partially achieved just upon arrival.

That is not the case with my proposed trip to Seattle.

I need something running in the background to keep me motivated. Something to do. Something to accomplish and achieve to fuel the secondary goal. 

I'd thought about trying to get a part-time job or even a full time job. I've searched Indeed quite a few times, but meh. That's as far as I've gotten. 

It's weird being completely alone

 It's weird being completely alone. For the first time in a long while, I didn't wake up with any messages or hoped for missed calls to check. I have been on and off this dating journey for about 9 months.

Honestly, this weekend, I was on and off a lot of steps moving forward. It changed just about every 5 minutes, seemingly.

One Brain is like gosh another month of solitude, get thee to Seattle! 

Another is like take this time to heal and recover. Just accept your fate and move on.

The other is like keep praying!

The other is like take time to heal and recover but then go in August and stay for 3 months.

Stay for 6 months! Stay for 9 months!

Rent a room! Rent a cheaper studio! Get a roommate!

One thing that is working is by spending a lot of time clicking and planning, the fun and spontaneity of it is wearing off so I'm down to a 20% chance of going.

Part of me tries to rationalize it when feelings get in the way. So far we are at, well... my next milestone/inflection point is Mar 2024. I'll be turning 40 that month. My job isn't so insecure as much as my feelings toward working are. 

So I'm thinking I have cash-flow for at least 18 months, so now is the time to jumpstart my life, so spend all the money and have all the fun! So, with that as a guard rail, I want to just move there and jumpstart the next adventure so I can at least try and if I fail fantastically, I can come back to Death House and let the death march begin.

I don't want to make 2 more years working a goal, as much as just trying to see how much longer I can stay in the role and earn an income.

I know I respond to fresh starts historically pretty well. At least for the first few months, I'll put my all in - getting out there, meeting people, doing activities I don't really enjoy. And then come back and lick my wounds.

I keep wanting to hope and/or pray for signs, but I'm hopelessly bad at reading signs and I gave up that ghost a long time ago. It just causes a lot of confusion and I spend way too much time trying to find meaning in things where there is none. 

I don't even trust when things seem too be good to be true because even that turns out terrible - read Dream College #1, Dream Grad School #2, Call Center #4. 

Part of the reason I think I can make it another year or so in this job is I hope I can slip under the radar for about 2 years as a new hire before I'm asked to really perform. The really perform part is what I'm afraid of. 

Some of the signs I was too afraid to hope for - if Blueground accepts my booking and if I can get a moderately lucrative ($25+/hr) part time job in Seattle to offset the costs.

I forgot about the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But I was reminded of it yesterday. I got my ring. I slipped it on and it already brought me some strength.

I still ugly cried Sunday though. I'm just at my wits end. When I imagine the next 20 years of solitude, it's scary in a bad way. But this was always the expected outcome. I just have to decide if I can live with it and for how long. Last night I was thinking, I hope I can make it to age 45. If I count these 2 years of pre-retirement, that'll give me 7 years of pre-retirement/retirement to match the 7 years of working.

In good news, I at least went to church on Sunday, and I didn't cry. But my eyes definitely got full at the ending prayer.

This morning I did remember how devastated I was last August when I left my old team. It felt like the ultimate break-up and now I'm like meh, you probably could pay me enough to go back but I'm not searching. 

One of my mood apps likes to remind me that even if you feel bad right now, it won't always feel this way. So true! I am starting to realize these little mind thoughts don't help in the moment, but if I can strengthen rational brain outside of Feelings storm, that might be the way to go. 

Last August, I was really, really hurt. I'm doing much of the crazy stuff and feeling a lot of the crazy stuff I feel right now for whatever x,y,z boy it is. I wish I would just remember that. 

It does suck though to think I'll have to go through more of that to find love. Meh. 

I need to pack for this work trip. 

Chasing waterfalls

 I thought deleting my Google account Thursday would be the action to end these wishful feelings. It is not. Twice now, I've recovered the account - to no emails or messages, naturally.

This weekend of wishful thinking was the thing I wanted to avoid, but here I am. 

Even after not talking to me for a week and infrequent texting the 3 weeks since we last saw each other, I still want to ask the question of if he wants to try to make it work.

Oh, brain. Why do you play these tricks on me!

I've still been scouring Blueground and Zeus for Seattle short term rentals.

I'd convinced myself that before I retire, I need to actually live a life to retire from. I narrowed it down to staying more than 6 weeks. Wasn't sure about 3, 6, or 9 months.

The Seattle winter scares me. I don't feel like being wet and cold. But then I counter that with, you have 20 years of NC winters ahead of you. It'll be worth it, if you get a chance at the life you imagined.

I think just reading different blogs like Financial Mechanic running away to Netherlands after a bad break-up or even A Purple Life and the reportedly good time she had in Seattle... just makes me want to do something to jumpstart myself out of this funk.

So why now? I have nothing else to do really. I have a pretty good idea of my workload for the next 6 months and it seems manageable. Beyond that, the future I see for myself just seems bleak. There's also a good chance once the hurt from all this dating failure scabs over, that will be tough to re-enter. 

It's tough to see the Lessons Learned from my past. I don't know if it's 40 years of data telling me to give-up and settle into the life I have now, or keep going. 

There are so many realities to reconcile when you're trying to live a fantasy.

So I decided on 3 months  - Aug, Sep, Oct. The internet says cuffing season is actually Late  Fall. So actually there goes that theory. I was thinking starting in August people would want to pair up, but this little phenomena allegedly begins Oct/Nov. Hrmph. Just did a quick search as I type this. 

I just wanted to have all the elements at once - friends, a career, a social life,a boyfriend, just stability.

But maybe this is it.

Oh well.

On one hand, I'm not that surprised, I literally knew this was it (cue: gold tooth, death house, call center jobs, no hair, etc). On the other hand, why not kiss a few more boys. I mean I apparently can't do anything wrong since none of them want to marry me anyway, so why don't I use that historical knowledge to give Zero Fs.

Kinda like financial freedom. Well, similar to financial freedom, I still want to do a decent job at work.

I know that are lessons here, but I'm too wrapped up in Feelings to figure out what they are.

Friday Feelings

 The more I watch Love on the Spectrum, the more I feel I can relate to the autism spectrum a bit. I maintain I'm spectrum-adjacent.

I like rules.

I like it when people follow the rules.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules and still get ahead.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules, get ahead, and I get hurt somehow.

I've been thinking more about dating. I rejoined Hinge yesterday while watching 1 dating show. In the same amount of time it took me to get 2 matches, the burner profile (skinny-white) to 20. Ouch.

This time I didn't feel that bad because her 20 were some duds and the 2 normal looking ones turned out to be weirdos. If we're looking on the brightside, I supposed I have less to sift through. 

Thought about joining eHarmony and just committing to the 2 years it might take. But if I remember correctly, I wasn't even getting profile views when I was on there last. Why pay money to be rejected. The data doesn't lie there.

Now it almost feels like a game I have to win.

I don't know. It just feels like the time is now, primarily because I have so much time on my hands.

It feels like I should take a time out and feel the feelings and see if they're still there after x period of time.

I'd been asking myself, if the Slow Fade wasn't in the picture, would I still want to go to Seattle. The answer is a resounding NO. I was like 90% amped to go back, once I deleted my related Gmail account, that feeling faded to 0% pretty quickly. Now it's back up to like 10%. (Mostly to get on the app, flaunt, and then reject him. Do I have to go to Seattle for that though, she laughs maniacally.)

So that was telling. The data doesn't lie.

I think this morning when I was reconsidering going back on the apps (fueled by the anxious-solo-storm that accompanies the weekend), I was trying to find a way to structure the experience to help me get through it.

More on that later.

In comes another era

 I downloaded 3 mood tracker apps yesterday. They kept asking about goals. Goals, ha.

So is this life, I thought, just filling your time with random things to pass the time. I guess it is for me.

I fantasized a little bit more about moving to Seattle. This time I thought why not just go for 3 months starting in August instead of hemming and hawing. Do the thing that works now.

So tired of future planning.

I asked a couple committee members. One pivoted the conversation back to her future plans. The other was like Go and just rent your house out for 6 months. Seeing it on paper, I immediately revolted.

It felt stupid.

I don't know how I feel about that committee member. I guess she's a good reflection of me. She denounced her faith because she didn't get to be a wife and mother like she wanted. Except she did! She got married and then divorced the guy because he didn't pay attention to her. Ugh, duh, I said, that's every woman. They just don't talk about it. They just post their happy pictures of a paired life. Women carry 99% of the relationship, dummy.

I feel like it's kind of sad. I also feel like she is looking for someone to try to convince her so she can use logic and her "negative" experience to come back with so she can feel justified in her position. I know that because I'm like that sometimes.

It's barely sunup and here I am with my Feelings. I got 1/3 of the way done with taking my braids out yesterday. I still have a few to do and my arms and shoulder already hurt. Ugh. 

Seattle is quickly fading outside the realm of possibility. I may not have mentioned that a few days ago to try to jumpstart this fading, I upped my 401k contribution. I'm left with just what I need to cover basic and a few bigger expenses. I'd originally budgeted for another $10k for vacations or extras for the 2nd half of the year. But I got tired of thinking about where I wanted to go or how I wanted to spend the money. So I removed the money. #easy

I'm stalling to say, I just sent another love note to the Mormon. It's literally what I did when I was 17 except instead of emails, it was postcards. If I'm going to act stupid in the name of love, go big or go home. The plan was to immediately delete the Gmail account, but I'm trying to hang on until after 8a. We shall see.

Yeah, so I creeped on the Slow Fade. The thought, laughably, actually occurred to me that maybe he lost his phone. The way the texts just kind of stopped seemingly mid-convo struck me as odd. I mean this is Right Brain in all her infinite jest. So I quickly created a burner profile and nope, he was swiping recently. Laughable. I have too much data to be acting like this, but here we are. And surprisingly, the Mormon was back on the app! I don't know why that got me excited. I think because I thought he might have been off because he met someone. Nope! Single Pringle.

American men, and probably men in general are amazing. I'm a standard 9, I think. These guys are maybe 5 to 7s by traditional standards of beauty and they really think they can do better than me.

Then I hear yet another story of a guy who packed up everything to follow his girlfriend to Brazil after dating for a few weeks. I mean, sheesh.

This is where I get stuck. I know the romance I imagined for myself and I know the reality that skinny white is the standard. How do I reconcile. I get stuck on what I have to compromise on. I know I won't be actively pursued by the guys I want. But am I doing too much pursuing? Do I have to be more interesting than a skinny-white? I just don't get it. But I've tried just about everything. I can tell you for sure that lowering my standards definitely led to more interaction. But maybe not less heartbreak.

I don't know which one is worse being stuck in the friendzone and not even being seen as a desirable woman for years or short term dating relationships that never get off the ground. 

It's only Wednesday?!

 I've been in my head so much, I can't even keep track. My committee member that I regularly talk to is going on vacation for 3 weeks. I guess this is my natural transition into a life of having no one to talk to.

The world's longest self-soothe period begins tomorrow. Oh well.

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

Woke up in the middle of the night (again!) to check if Slow Fade had messaged me. I think I'm reliving trauma from incidentally the Slow Fade of Fall/Winter 2021-2022 who actually had the same generic white man name. 

So yeah, if we actually step away from the distress, there's no need to wake up in the middle of the night as the current Slow Fade texts during waking hours. Actually, the data points are so few, that I don't know. So stay in bed, woman!

By the time morning hit, I was like no mas! This is nuts. I was going to finally delete the Google account. But I am challenging myself to wait until next Wed Friday at 3p EST. I want to make double and triple sure, I'm sure. (Spoiler: I'm super sure!). Part of me kind of wants to see if there is a lazy text I can leave unanswered.

Basically, this is how it goes. Guy shows interest. Then I sense him pull away, I over-react. In the aftermath, I second guess myself (the distress storm happens). I solicit a bunch of bad advice. I get nowhere. Then I get over it. Rinse and Repeat. 

What I can do differently, is trust the sense that he's pulling away. Because this is when I start to question what I'm seeing. I start the Googling. I distrust my reaction. I feel like I have to take it. And I wonder what's acceptable or not. Am I supposed to wait 3 days to get a text? Or is it a week? Do I text him? This is where there are no rules and everyone has their own opinion. This is the grey matter that causes distress.

But hello, I already know the answer. Keep it moving! I have to uncouple myself from the idea of The One. It's Lazy and Convenient and an excuse to act crazy, act stalkerish, persist. I need to divorce myself from this harmful notion. It's risky, when it need not be. There's so much evidence to the contrary. It's lazy on my part because then it means starting over.  That's the hard part. As much as I want to be dating multiple people at once, one always rises to the top. I just can't focus on multiple people at once. So I don't know what to adjust. 

Getting new Google voice numbers no longer seems to be an option as I've been blocked recently. So we'll just have to exchange emails because those I can generate unlimited for now. And if email doesn't work for you, then too bad. 

I don't know that I need to build up my distress tolerance. 

So maybe a compromise will be Friday at 3p EST. That's a summer Friday and two days away. That leaves my weekend free. 

There will be crying on Sunday, of course. You get front row seats! Aren't you excited.

I read A Purple Life's post yesterday about Seattle. At first, I wanted to believe in Seattle again, but as I read her fun posts, I realized that just wasn't my experience when I "lived" in Seattle for 6 weeks.

I still can't figure out how to get around without a car. Walking was fun, I liked that alot, but it also made it hard if you had returns.

I couldn't figure out what neighborhoods to live in to be able to access some of the fun activities without a car. 

And finally, I'm not that politically active. I'd love to say I care about current events, but I just don't. I'm going to be like a typical American and not worry about it until it personally affects me. Yeah, I said it.

I mean other than Twitter wars and "conversations" what is anyone you know actually doing about anything. 

Then I looked at my old neighborhood and was excited at all the Meetup activities and wondered if I should move back. But then when I checked the attendee list and saw all the Target moms, my heart was filled with dread. 

I don't know why. 

I like being able to move a bit seamlessly here in hood-adjacent. I don't really want to go back to being the only black girl at everything.

I was willing to make that concession (I think) for Seattle, but not for NC. Not sure why. Maybe because I've already done it in NC.

When I look at my 3 pillars - financial, emotional, and physical stability - moving away permanently still doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense because my financial stability currently is what affords me emotional and physical stability.

Literally anywhere else I move to is going to cost more. 

There is a part of me that probably still wants to do 6-9 months in Seattle just to eliminate it, but hopefully this part will go to the wayside like my strong desire to live in Spain. 

I think what I decided for now is I'm just going to keep trying different things because what are other people if not a catalogue of lives. There's no need for me to re-invent the wheel. I think we can all agree, we're all just living different permutations of the same handful of choices - marriage, kids, career, travel, recreation, family. 

So I'll just try on other people's lives for now. 

I think this is a divorce party not just from The One, but also the Life I Imagined for myself, and The Acceptable version of Success, and The One idea of how a "good life" looks. 

My remaining years won't be one filled with joy and happy memories. Mine won't be one with a legacy. Mine won't be one surrounded by friends and family at my dying bedside. 

But mine also won't be one where I'm laying homeless on the street. It won't be one where I've been cheated on by a husband or one where my kids turn out to be hellions. It won't be one with stress. It won't be one where I die at a desk scraping to get by. 

It'll be one where I did "the best" that I could. I did all the things I wanted that I could reasonably achieve on my own. That's a lot, yo! 

And it's okay. I'm sure many of us leave life wanting a little bit more, wishing we had gotten to experience just a little bit more. For once, I'll be part of the majority. 

Is this mental warfare?

8a

 It's only been 2 days really since Slow Fade but I feel like I've been grieving for years. I'm so sick with disappointment, I could actually vomit.

My stomach is doing flips. 

I'll get through this week no problem, it's this upcoming Sunday I'm worried about.

I feel so powerless. There's nothing else I can do.

I can't believe this.

I know I'll get over this. I always do, but I won't like it.

I really feel drained. I've run mental marathons the last 3 days, that's how I feel. But where is the reprieve.

I'm torn between playing along, asking the question, or just deleting my number altogether.

I don't know what target to hit.

There will probably be many updates over the next few days.

I have to take my braids out.

It's literally the last thing I want to do.

How do I fast forward to the end.

I wish I knew for sure that I was going to spend my last 20 years alone. I mean, that's what it was like for my aunt and she was a much stronger believer than me.

I think just getting used to this life is what I have to deal with.

It's like a missing poster for Love (instead of a person). But there's no body, so you hold out hope you know. Have I found the body? 

7/4 - So we broke up (and major life lessons)

 I don't how else to call it. I'm tired of mincing words and not being able to say the thing I want to say. I think what gets me worked up in these high-risk or seemingly high-risk scenarios is not the negative outcome so much as thinking I could have done or still can do something to change it. 

My instincts have ALWAYS been right. It's the devil or Mean Brain (take your pick) that tries to convince me otherwise and there lies the problem.

I've tried so many things to Fix myself, but I don't need fixing. I just need to trust my instincts. I discovered a spiritual gift of discernment long ago, and working and dating made me doubt that. The world I live in made me doubt that.

Because just when I theorize something, an outlier or two will pop up to make me question my guiding framework.

No more!

Let the gold diggers have their day. Let the He's Not that into you convince their guys to come back. I travel the middle line. It's not the best outcome in every scenario but it's the best chance for the more favorable outcome in every scenario.

I'm just a numbers girl.

I'm not leaving situations too early! They just don't like me!

I'm not saying the wrong thing at the wrong time! They just don't like me.

I'm not running away or scared! They just don't like me.

My Brain knows before I know or can fully appreciate it. 

FIRE works for me because it's the exact solution to my money problem. That's it. It's not a solution to any other problem. I wanted to figure out how to leave the workforce even just temporarily, and it laid out exact steps to leave the workforce for good. I am forever grateful.

I have looked for exact solutions in other parts of my life and have just come up short. So I asked the internet, I ask the Bible, I ask professionals,  I ask adults with life experience and I just don't have a consensus on a solution.

So many of us look for cults in our interests - a place to belong, a place to provide structure or stability in something we are trying to rewrite from our past.

FIRE was my cult. Unfortunately, the solution was limited to just my money problem. I didn't get the belonging and community in real life, but that's okay.  I recognized that pretty early on. See some of my earlier disgruntled posts.

Anyway, the rage I just expressed in my notebook is over how I let myself get confused lately over this dating problem. The apps were not a solution. I recognized that right away but kept trying to convince myself there was no other way.

I don't want to get all into it, but I just needed to wrap my head around what was happening the last few days with this boy.

The issue for me is just this perpetual belief that it's a problem I need to solve by being cute enough or interesting enough. Did I say the right thing? 

Instead of recognizing these things as hurdles I do NOT need to jump over, I took them on as a problem to solve.  The messaging for women is confusing. Lately any problem I'd have about a boy, I'd search it as though I was a guy and the search results were grim, as in non-existent vs the millions of pages of advice for women.

It seems mostly women take on the problems of relationships. No more. Not this girl! The world can have their relationship problems. Ughhhh I knew this so long ago, it's like getting a gold star for learning how to read at age 38! Ugh!

Rebuking so much of the pressures of women has been so much of my battle cry for so long, it's astonishing that I got to this place.

See I had this narrative of my life that girls like me didn't get the fairy tale, they didn't get the life experience I'd hoped for. Then when I had 3 new data points challenging the narrative, I was confused. It must be ME that's the problem. False.

I'm so smart! I really am. But those 3 data points really shook my entire perspective. Had I been wrong this whole time?

The answer is a resounding no. I know in my heart, we only get the highlight reel, and I know in my heart their experience is not the experience I'd hoped for. It's not the one I imagined for my life eventhough I get all the highlights and pictures to the contrary.

And even if it is, the sample size is small. I have 38 years on them. 

And even still, I'm a numbers girl. See above. I choose the path of the best probability of the most favorable outcome. 

I'm starting to wax poetic with all these analogies. Basically, here is what I needed to remind myself of.

I knew definitively 10 years ago, that the life I was given was not the experience I hoped for. I'd always felt even as a young person (like adolescent young) that I was born in the wrong time and perhaps to the wrong family. But I knew when I went to professional school, I just had to accept it and do the best I can.

This is it - this is the best I can do.

The times I can recall easily being the most distressed was trying to finish my undergraduate education without money to pay for it or status to get financial aid and trying to leave the call center to at least have an enviable title (and more money). 

Those times I was trying for remarkable outcomes. I was trying to make my life fit this vision. 

That's when I get myself in trouble.

When I engaged our EAP program this year, I remember thinking it'll be nice to have support because I want to date and try to get a second job.

Those are remarkable outcomes for me.

I wanted to radically change my status quo, and it wasn't a life or death situation.

I'm not in survival mode anymore. Nothing is worth the distress anymore. NOTHING.

I've been given these remaining 20 years to enjoy retirement and a nascent life. Like living K12 over, birth to adulthood. 

I don't know how to make the best of it, but that can't be the goal. See I'm already trying even in summary for remarkable outcomes.

I don't know another way to express it right now, but I have the next 20 years. I just have to live, no remarkable outcomes.

I'll have to keep workshopping this to make it make sense. 

Basically, all I wanted to say to Mean Brain, is STFU! Stop confusing me. I was right. These boys don't like me, and stop making it seem like it's my fault! 

No more apps - that's dating apps and job applications!

Easier said then done because sometime in the confusion, I wanted to pour gas on the fire and I applied to two Med Info mgr jobs. Already got rejected from one. I'm sure I'll download an app or two before the year is over, but I really hope I don't. 

God Bless and Good Luck - that's what I have to say to myself when it seems like other people are achieving remarkable outcomes that I may have wanted for myself.

But that's just not my path.

I can discern. I am good at this.

Actions I took today-

Took my Seattle email and Voice number off my handheld device. I did forward any messages or email to My Phone's Gmail because quieting Mean Brain is a work in progress.

I think my 6 month goal is just say NO to apps - dating and jobbing. 

I don't think I have to worry too much about a contingency plan for Mormon or Slow Fade (my last 2 contacts making me crazy) because first FTGs and They Don't Like Me.

Haha.

It's so easy when you're not in an anxious storm. 

Mean Brain can't touch me if I don't do the things that hurt me. And I have a long list posted on my wall to remind me.

7/4 Sunday was dark

 Sunday was dark. It's like it just resets another week of a life I'm not quite sure of. Sundays have always been bad but the anxiety or hope of waiting for a boy to text me threatened to consume me.

Strangely just commiserating with a committee member released some of the pressure but moments later, the darkness shrouded me.

I tried to gorge on McDs but that failed to numb the pain.

I really feel like a druggie. All the things that used to help no longer take the pain away. Like I need more and more to just feel normal again.

So I have to quit cold turkey.

But as soon as the thought crosses my mind, I immediately start making plans to get back on the apps. Move to Seattle. Strangely, moving to DC no longer pops back on the radar.

It just feels like both roads have pretty neutral consequences. Remember when money used to be a factor. It's not as though I can live anywhere, but with a robust safety net, the need to aggressively save lessens.

I see now how one of my committee members freely spends. She has a financial planner that she meets with twice yearly. I think there are some psychological benefits to knowing you're on the right track financially.

I know reaching this level of financial freedom certainly has affected my approach to spending. I'm mostly all over the place, but I don't feel like I'm in financial survival mode.

Maybe I am rushing into things. I mean I only reached this level 3 months ago. I can't undo 7 years of survival mode in 3 months. 

OMG! Am I those people who win the lottery and just splurge! Except I didn't know I had a splurge list. My, my, my. 

I mean there is an unspoken timeline. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have active cashflow. 

So I'm dealing with that and just a general disregard for planning. I've lived life so planned, I'm just not feeling it. I want to do what I want to do. 

I just know if I plan it, I'll talk myself out of it. There are plenty of reasons not to go. 

I think I want to be a little carefree the next 2 years because after I hit the FIRE button as much as I want to believe I'll be free, I'll be on a fixed income and I think a lot of the habits of the last earning years will return. 

I'm just a human afterall.

So I feel like I'm wanting to give myself permission. But permission to do what exactly?

Do I need to make the best decision? Do I need to think it through and be practical? Or do I fly by the seat of my pants?

Do I give up spreadsheets?

Maybe instead of being free of work, I need to be free of the doldrum of my regular life. 

I don't know.

Remember when I was obsessed with moving to Spain. Is Seattle just my new obsession.

But does it matter if it is? Isn't this what we do now? Focus on random stuff until the next obsession hits? 

Sometimes it's getting married, having kids, sometimes it's traveling, or recreational activity, or brewing beer, or pickleball or whatever else the kids are doing these days.

Maybe staying in overpriced apartments in the name of love is my new obsession. Ha! 

Jul 3, I went to church!

 Wow! Who knows how long it's been! It depends on when you started counting. I woke up this morning, and I just went. I'd wanted to go to the one by the Food Lion but couldn't find the times online #waymish. So I searched one I'd seen before and knew it to be a mega church so I wouldn't have to interact with too many people. 

I found 2 - I went with the one with the earlier start time. 

I loosely thought next Sunday I would just try the other one just to say I tried. But we'll see.

Since I'm getting fewer and fewer readers, this feels more like a private journal (of the end of my life). So I feel I can get more personal and intimate with you all. 

The church is called Manna. It was fine. There were 4 white people at the door so I was afraid it was going to be a whites-only church. But I went in anyway, I was already there. But I had to put on a bit of a defensive stride. Luckily one of the indoor greeters was black. 

I grabbed the closest seat in the back. I was hot, it's so hot here, as though I couldn't complain enough. Anyway, I quickly was reminded why I stopped going to churches like these. After the praise and worship, we were directed to watch a screen from the main campus - which I still don't know. Well, I could do this at home!

Oh well. I'm kind of going through the motions it seems for the shell of a life I have left. I don't want to say next 20 because that seems too much. I can handle next 10. For right now, it's just today.

So by the end, I figured I can go through the motions for a little while. Maybe next Sunday, maybe just 1 Sunday in July. I hope all of July at least as part of my Totally Bummer Summer.

Yesterday I put back on the itchy ring as a placeholder. I couldn't cope with feeling "forgotten" by the Slow Fade.

This morning, I went to delete old bookmarks and clicked on one that reminded me that texting is like nothing to guys. So then I had a little bit of hope. I don't know. My mind has already been turned to the fact that this is a Slow Fade so beating myself up over trying to find the right words or moment for the last text is futile, but it's an exercise I'll torture myself with until it's done. 

Because obviously a sliver hope remains that we do fall in love, and live happily ever after. 

Anyway, the message today was from Daniel 3. I thought it was going to be the Lion's Den story, but it wasn't. It was about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It's a story I thought I'd heard before but maybe I'm starting to forget my Bible stories. That's what happens when you don't go to church I guess.

At first I was like well, Slow Fade's name is Dan, so maybe it's a sign we should be together!!

Nope. Signs are stumbling blocks for me.

The part of the story that struck me that I don't feel had been presented in a way that I recalled was that the three guys said pretty much, we don't want to die in the fire, but if you don't answer our prayer, we will glorify God with our death.

That's where I am now, I guess. I don't want to die alone and feel like I never got the thing that God says he is which is love on earth. And so if I'm not going to have that, then I do want to bow down before Nebuchanezzar's idols. I don't want to die in the fiery depth of isolation and alone-ness. But those guys, chose to glorify God with their death.

So I can do that too. 

Instead of offering, I went to Walmart and sent $1500 to my family overseas. It's an offering to them and supplication for my prayer that me and Slow Fade do fall in love and live happily ever after. Oh well.

My treat was some snacks at the Dollar store. I got chips and a bottle of Welch's sparkling grapple juice - my favorite. To celebrate my sologamy and a rededication to this single by fate life. 

Well those single moms by choice made the choice I think because they didn't find a partner in their time frame, right? I think the 'choice' part is that they weren't divorced or have a deadbeat dad.

So I guess if the empowered stance is single by choice, then I can choose that position as well.

I didn't match with a partner. 

So I choose a different path. More to come, I guess. 

7/2 - I guess I do want more

 So when one of my committee members very explicitly told me he was a Slow Fade, I refused to believe her. What did she know! He's so nice to me. He got me this cool metal straw. We had a few sweet moments. He made me dinner.

Then he sent some text messages when I was posting earlier then nothing.

I realized we've only had 1 short conversation in the 3 weeks since we've been apart. It was supposed to be left as a Summer Fling but that last lazy text just confused everything.

Oh well, I got to ask the question about staying in touch and I'm purposing to ask the question I've wanted to ask all the other app guys. So I guess I got that.

I was going to try to extend the breadcrumbs for the rest of the summer just to have something to occupy the time but I want to ask the question and it won't fit if you've been breadcrumbed for 2 months. 

I even downloaded Hinge again for all of 1 or 2 hours. Then I was like why am I signing up to be rejected again? This re-signing up to get over the last guy is what has extended this 6 months into July. The nonsense stops here.

I really, really tried. I even got my hair done! Nails done! I bought new dresses! I put on make-up. I flew across the country twice, y'all! Twice, that's how much I was committed to this. There was this Bible verse I heard in the midst of all this that said, Lord, I won't let go, until you bless me. That's what I was singing when my booking kept getting rejected.

Surely, this time something good would happen.

It didn't.

And it's okay. I'm okay.

(Tears stream down my face.)

It's a totally bummer summer, and like all the others, it will feel like the last and final. And 2023 will come and there will be another one. 

It definitely makes the next 20 years so daunting. I'm out of things to try - hobbies, friends, family, adventure, locations, home ownership, jobs, goals, aspirations. I just don't get it. What the heck am I supposed to be doing!

I thought I'd wait until the 3 weeks so I could ask the therapist what to do, but what are the facts? She doesn't give me answers. 

So incidentally, there was a ENM guy I chatted with briefly and I asked for some verbiage about Slow Fade. The Hopeless Romantic in me wants to plead my case and add a little convincing to the verbiage, but I think for science sake, I might just copy and paste verbatim what the married guy said. The thought is, this is just an exercise for me to ask the question.

I have to accept the fact that my words aren't going to change his mind. 

I was a Slow Fade 3 weeks ago. 

I think if I can handle it, I want to take my phone in my room in case he texts late tonight. I want to slurp up the very last breadcrumbs because it's all nothing from here on out.

I'll try to wait at least until Tuesday 11:59pm PST, which is a bit earlier than the generous Wed 11:59pm PST, so we shall see. 

Weekends are weird.

And so were vacations.

And all the other excuses.

So the goal is not to try to craft the perfect message. The goal is just to ask the question. The question I've always wanted to ask, but never did with the ones before him when I was in the same situation. 

Okay so it's only been a month? But it feels like 6 or 7 weeks somehow?

I don't think it's the timing. I think it's just the lack of progression. 

Giving it another week means I'm holding out hope, and that's not the purpose of the exercise. 

Either way, I've deleted Hinge. I cleared my phone of all iPhotos. I've cleared out all messages on Google voice and Imessage - this is just a general spring cleaning. In preparation of deleting the Google account I created for emailing and calling/texting, I've updated my AppleID.

So the only mission is to ask the question, await the response and delete, delete, delete!

Let Totally Bummer Summer commence!

Hey, I get to save some money the rest of the year. And figure out how to spend it later. 

All in all, how will they eulogize me. I'm sure they'll round my life up to a good life. I did the things. Except for all the days I cried and bemoaned my lot, there were some good bits. It wasn't all bad, it wasn't at all. 

I don't know when or why it just got so bad. It's when I started wanting for things. When I got to get out of survival mode. So is life just a struggle? I thought the point was to get off the Struggle Bus and arrive at a destination. But the destination is just another bus stop.

That sucks.

It wasn't all bad, it really wasn't. Even at the darkest, deepest holes, I knew it wasn't. It just... the light just always seemed out of reach. 

I just couldn't get out of the hole. As I've said before, I'm not waving, I'm drowning. 

July 2, I'm trying really hard not to blow up my life

 It's 2p, and I've run out of things to do. Remember school days when all you cherished was a free night or a weekend with no academic obligations.

That's my life, for the last 7 years.

Now what?

I thought having a partner would solve my alone-ness problem. It seems that's all people do right. They live their 30 years. Then they live 30 years doing the same thing with their kids. Then they live 30 years after that doing the same things with their grand kids.

So I figured I did the single girl thing for the last 7. I would trade in the kid for a partner. But alas, I see why people just get the kid. You can't make a partner! I always think I've outsmarted the system, but the House always wins!

I'm sooooooooooooooo glad I got that hysterectomy because this is exactly what I thought would happen. I could totally see crazy brain "accidentally" getting pregnant just to have something to do. 

Knowing this I probably should stay off the apps unless I "accidentally" end up disappeared. So yeah.

Too bad I can't accidentally fall in love and live happily ever after. If I designed the world, there would only be happy accidents. I would think it should be easier to be happy than sad, but alas I am not God.

I'm excited about my ring.

Ways I've blown up my world today:

- Stayed in bed after 12n.

- Spent $5 in breakfast biscuits that I didn't finish.

- Spent hours poring over 2 messages to 2 boys - 1 could make a case for half-stalking (j/k); the other is a person of interest for Slow Fade.

 - Speaking of Slow Fade, I have no idea what I'm doing with him. I was waiting until Tuesday just to observe how he takes the lead. Then after that, I was going to do what I wanted. But what did I want? Now that a few sources, including the internet, are telling me this is going nowhere... what exactly do I hope to get out of this? Flirty texts? A relationship? Just asking if he wants a relationship. But we already said we wanted to see each other again, just nothing came of it. Oh that's what I wanted within the first week. At least something to indicate we would actually see each other again! So far, nada. 

Then I think I downgraded...

Wait, he just texted!

Ugh. 

Happy, then sad again.

Part of me wants to wait for the therapist to ask her what to do once and for all. But how do I tread water till then? She says let him earn you. Gross. 

I will say the send and delete strategy I've been deploying for this Boy is working. I can't go back and change anything.