Revised Death Date: Jan 31, 2030 (age 45)

 I was trying to think how much longer I can put in to this life. How many more hours I can endure a life I never asked for but tried to make work...and couldn't.

Apparently, we've been here before. I have a post it note dated Jun 2020 that has a revised death date of Jan 31, 2020 (age 45). 

I think the note before it was a little bit longer.

I don't want to wait another 10 years and wonder what about me is unlovable and undesirable (unpromotable, un-DESIRABLE). I know I said it twice.

I'm tired of feeling the downs.

My life feels like this latest fling. It was this thing that never quite fit but yet I got loosely attached to and it became familiar but in the end it was this high stakes game that I can't win. And the highs just weren't high enough. It was this thing that magnified all my insecurities and inaccuracies and "opportunities for improvement." How do you win a game that plays to your weakness? And what is the prize anyway?

So with 7 years on the clock, do my choices still make sense?

With romantic love completely off the table, does my life still make sense?

People like to try to comfort you with these horror stories of relationships. I'm not asking for a horror story. I want the real thing. Biblically, God can't make us love him, there's no way he can make us love each other. Without his divine intervention, I can't do this on my own. And He won't intervene in these matters. 

If we are to recognize our limitations, I knew at a very early age that this world was not for me but I stuck it out through the milestones in the hopes that I would overturn that one stone that would make it all make sense. That would make it all worth it. FIRE was my last milestone.

None of it has been worth it. Not one thing. It's a big reason I got the hysterectomy - I don't enjoy life enough to bring another person into this world. I never have.

I tried so hard, World. I just wish I could let my family know.

So what do you do with a life when you only have 7 years left to live?

It's actually fitting for me. To have this time frame. To have these guardrails. 

It'll be 10 years to the day since my aunt died. Her death kind of seems arbitrary in the timeline, but it's symbolic. I needed something to anchor this decision. I can put up with most things for 10 years I determined. I knew that a while ago too.

What am I going to do with all this money?

Do I just blow it all?

I think I'll take the next year or 2 to figure it out. So that will give me 5 to 6 years to spend it all. There was a part of the story where I leave it to my relatives overseas. Why shouldn't they get a piece of this dream?

There's no one I trust to make that happen. 

I'm so curious to see what it's like to fly without a parachute.