7/2 - I guess I do want more

 So when one of my committee members very explicitly told me he was a Slow Fade, I refused to believe her. What did she know! He's so nice to me. He got me this cool metal straw. We had a few sweet moments. He made me dinner.

Then he sent some text messages when I was posting earlier then nothing.

I realized we've only had 1 short conversation in the 3 weeks since we've been apart. It was supposed to be left as a Summer Fling but that last lazy text just confused everything.

Oh well, I got to ask the question about staying in touch and I'm purposing to ask the question I've wanted to ask all the other app guys. So I guess I got that.

I was going to try to extend the breadcrumbs for the rest of the summer just to have something to occupy the time but I want to ask the question and it won't fit if you've been breadcrumbed for 2 months. 

I even downloaded Hinge again for all of 1 or 2 hours. Then I was like why am I signing up to be rejected again? This re-signing up to get over the last guy is what has extended this 6 months into July. The nonsense stops here.

I really, really tried. I even got my hair done! Nails done! I bought new dresses! I put on make-up. I flew across the country twice, y'all! Twice, that's how much I was committed to this. There was this Bible verse I heard in the midst of all this that said, Lord, I won't let go, until you bless me. That's what I was singing when my booking kept getting rejected.

Surely, this time something good would happen.

It didn't.

And it's okay. I'm okay.

(Tears stream down my face.)

It's a totally bummer summer, and like all the others, it will feel like the last and final. And 2023 will come and there will be another one. 

It definitely makes the next 20 years so daunting. I'm out of things to try - hobbies, friends, family, adventure, locations, home ownership, jobs, goals, aspirations. I just don't get it. What the heck am I supposed to be doing!

I thought I'd wait until the 3 weeks so I could ask the therapist what to do, but what are the facts? She doesn't give me answers. 

So incidentally, there was a ENM guy I chatted with briefly and I asked for some verbiage about Slow Fade. The Hopeless Romantic in me wants to plead my case and add a little convincing to the verbiage, but I think for science sake, I might just copy and paste verbatim what the married guy said. The thought is, this is just an exercise for me to ask the question.

I have to accept the fact that my words aren't going to change his mind. 

I was a Slow Fade 3 weeks ago. 

I think if I can handle it, I want to take my phone in my room in case he texts late tonight. I want to slurp up the very last breadcrumbs because it's all nothing from here on out.

I'll try to wait at least until Tuesday 11:59pm PST, which is a bit earlier than the generous Wed 11:59pm PST, so we shall see. 

Weekends are weird.

And so were vacations.

And all the other excuses.

So the goal is not to try to craft the perfect message. The goal is just to ask the question. The question I've always wanted to ask, but never did with the ones before him when I was in the same situation. 

Okay so it's only been a month? But it feels like 6 or 7 weeks somehow?

I don't think it's the timing. I think it's just the lack of progression. 

Giving it another week means I'm holding out hope, and that's not the purpose of the exercise. 

Either way, I've deleted Hinge. I cleared my phone of all iPhotos. I've cleared out all messages on Google voice and Imessage - this is just a general spring cleaning. In preparation of deleting the Google account I created for emailing and calling/texting, I've updated my AppleID.

So the only mission is to ask the question, await the response and delete, delete, delete!

Let Totally Bummer Summer commence!

Hey, I get to save some money the rest of the year. And figure out how to spend it later. 

All in all, how will they eulogize me. I'm sure they'll round my life up to a good life. I did the things. Except for all the days I cried and bemoaned my lot, there were some good bits. It wasn't all bad, it wasn't at all. 

I don't know when or why it just got so bad. It's when I started wanting for things. When I got to get out of survival mode. So is life just a struggle? I thought the point was to get off the Struggle Bus and arrive at a destination. But the destination is just another bus stop.

That sucks.

It wasn't all bad, it really wasn't. Even at the darkest, deepest holes, I knew it wasn't. It just... the light just always seemed out of reach. 

I just couldn't get out of the hole. As I've said before, I'm not waving, I'm drowning.