And just like that I'm over it

 It's funny how it works out that way. So Saturday in a moment of acute distress, I messaged Slow Fade 2 from my work phone! The significance of my work phone is that it's a legitimate cell phone number. So it's not a Google Voice number that I can delete and move on when the situation gets too distressing.

No, if he rejects me, I have to sit in that distress every single day he doesn't reach out for as long as it takes to get over it. I thought I could handle it. I'd thought about using one of my other Google numbers but I thought my NC area code would be more impactful. I thought about using my old work Google Voice number, but I think I got lazy and forgot. I don't know.

In that moment, I was like I can handle it. Let me tell you, after 9 minutes with no response, I COULD NOT HANDLE IT!

I was in a tizzy. I was spinning. I had nothing to do but sit in that distress and it sucked. I couldn't delete my number and escape the situation. 

I was a scared little girl all over again asking someone (anyone) to just love me. 

Fast forward to now. It's Monday.

Slow Fade actually responded on Saturday. I thought I'd made a clear ask about making "this work." But when we ended the phone call yesterday, he said "keep in touch." So, I don't know if he's playing dumb or what.

Anyway, I spent much of Saturday, Sunday, and today clicking around trying to find the best time to go to Seattle. I was battling a couple variables - going sooner rather than later to build momentum, inventory, and the Seattle heat.

Nothing is really lining up. Inventory is pretty low and you need Google money to afford what's left. I don't have Google money. My thoughts on it keep changing, but at last thought, it seemed more cost efficient to go for a month later in August for about $5-6k, than for 7-10 days for about $3500. 

When I tallied up any extra cash across my myriad of accounts, I could scrounge up around $8k for this and any future trips I'd wished for this year.

The thing is, in the 2-4 weeks since leaving Seattle, I'm finally settling into my life here in hot, horrible, NC. 

I was going to finish July on my futon. And similarly with August. My walking group had even started walking in the mall so that means I can attend. I could volunteer one day a week, and then Conservative Video Church on Sundays - and there you have it a few events a week to get me out of the house.

I was set.

I was going to get through July. And hope for August.

I'd deleted the app (for the umpteenth time) just the other day after finally feeling burned out. 

Now this! But even as I type this - no one is actually forcing me to go to Seattle.

But I guess that's where I'm going with this. I see why people don't do long-distance. It's hard, and it's annoying.

Basically, I have a lot of fear and anxious feelings about meeting up again. I don't have a reason really to naturally find myself in Seattle.

We'd already decided that. And with dating out of the picture, it's lost its appeal. Side note -I think San Fran is even cooler in summer months than Seattle so next summer I might have an even cooler reprieve. 

I don't know, it's not really working out with the rentals and flights and the cost and I think my general mood. I'm tired of thinking about it, so I'm kind of over it. 

I think waiting 1 month to see him again will be too stressful. I'll feel like I have to play it cool or I'll waste my money. But I don't really want to spend the month of August in Seattle. I feel like it's going to be really hot and that doesn't sound that fun.