7/4 Sunday was dark

 Sunday was dark. It's like it just resets another week of a life I'm not quite sure of. Sundays have always been bad but the anxiety or hope of waiting for a boy to text me threatened to consume me.

Strangely just commiserating with a committee member released some of the pressure but moments later, the darkness shrouded me.

I tried to gorge on McDs but that failed to numb the pain.

I really feel like a druggie. All the things that used to help no longer take the pain away. Like I need more and more to just feel normal again.

So I have to quit cold turkey.

But as soon as the thought crosses my mind, I immediately start making plans to get back on the apps. Move to Seattle. Strangely, moving to DC no longer pops back on the radar.

It just feels like both roads have pretty neutral consequences. Remember when money used to be a factor. It's not as though I can live anywhere, but with a robust safety net, the need to aggressively save lessens.

I see now how one of my committee members freely spends. She has a financial planner that she meets with twice yearly. I think there are some psychological benefits to knowing you're on the right track financially.

I know reaching this level of financial freedom certainly has affected my approach to spending. I'm mostly all over the place, but I don't feel like I'm in financial survival mode.

Maybe I am rushing into things. I mean I only reached this level 3 months ago. I can't undo 7 years of survival mode in 3 months. 

OMG! Am I those people who win the lottery and just splurge! Except I didn't know I had a splurge list. My, my, my. 

I mean there is an unspoken timeline. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have active cashflow. 

So I'm dealing with that and just a general disregard for planning. I've lived life so planned, I'm just not feeling it. I want to do what I want to do. 

I just know if I plan it, I'll talk myself out of it. There are plenty of reasons not to go. 

I think I want to be a little carefree the next 2 years because after I hit the FIRE button as much as I want to believe I'll be free, I'll be on a fixed income and I think a lot of the habits of the last earning years will return. 

I'm just a human afterall.

So I feel like I'm wanting to give myself permission. But permission to do what exactly?

Do I need to make the best decision? Do I need to think it through and be practical? Or do I fly by the seat of my pants?

Do I give up spreadsheets?

Maybe instead of being free of work, I need to be free of the doldrum of my regular life. 

I don't know.

Remember when I was obsessed with moving to Spain. Is Seattle just my new obsession.

But does it matter if it is? Isn't this what we do now? Focus on random stuff until the next obsession hits? 

Sometimes it's getting married, having kids, sometimes it's traveling, or recreational activity, or brewing beer, or pickleball or whatever else the kids are doing these days.

Maybe staying in overpriced apartments in the name of love is my new obsession. Ha!