It's only Wednesday?!

 I've been in my head so much, I can't even keep track. My committee member that I regularly talk to is going on vacation for 3 weeks. I guess this is my natural transition into a life of having no one to talk to.

The world's longest self-soothe period begins tomorrow. Oh well.

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

Woke up in the middle of the night (again!) to check if Slow Fade had messaged me. I think I'm reliving trauma from incidentally the Slow Fade of Fall/Winter 2021-2022 who actually had the same generic white man name. 

So yeah, if we actually step away from the distress, there's no need to wake up in the middle of the night as the current Slow Fade texts during waking hours. Actually, the data points are so few, that I don't know. So stay in bed, woman!

By the time morning hit, I was like no mas! This is nuts. I was going to finally delete the Google account. But I am challenging myself to wait until next Wed Friday at 3p EST. I want to make double and triple sure, I'm sure. (Spoiler: I'm super sure!). Part of me kind of wants to see if there is a lazy text I can leave unanswered.

Basically, this is how it goes. Guy shows interest. Then I sense him pull away, I over-react. In the aftermath, I second guess myself (the distress storm happens). I solicit a bunch of bad advice. I get nowhere. Then I get over it. Rinse and Repeat. 

What I can do differently, is trust the sense that he's pulling away. Because this is when I start to question what I'm seeing. I start the Googling. I distrust my reaction. I feel like I have to take it. And I wonder what's acceptable or not. Am I supposed to wait 3 days to get a text? Or is it a week? Do I text him? This is where there are no rules and everyone has their own opinion. This is the grey matter that causes distress.

But hello, I already know the answer. Keep it moving! I have to uncouple myself from the idea of The One. It's Lazy and Convenient and an excuse to act crazy, act stalkerish, persist. I need to divorce myself from this harmful notion. It's risky, when it need not be. There's so much evidence to the contrary. It's lazy on my part because then it means starting over.  That's the hard part. As much as I want to be dating multiple people at once, one always rises to the top. I just can't focus on multiple people at once. So I don't know what to adjust. 

Getting new Google voice numbers no longer seems to be an option as I've been blocked recently. So we'll just have to exchange emails because those I can generate unlimited for now. And if email doesn't work for you, then too bad. 

I don't know that I need to build up my distress tolerance. 

So maybe a compromise will be Friday at 3p EST. That's a summer Friday and two days away. That leaves my weekend free. 

There will be crying on Sunday, of course. You get front row seats! Aren't you excited.

I read A Purple Life's post yesterday about Seattle. At first, I wanted to believe in Seattle again, but as I read her fun posts, I realized that just wasn't my experience when I "lived" in Seattle for 6 weeks.

I still can't figure out how to get around without a car. Walking was fun, I liked that alot, but it also made it hard if you had returns.

I couldn't figure out what neighborhoods to live in to be able to access some of the fun activities without a car. 

And finally, I'm not that politically active. I'd love to say I care about current events, but I just don't. I'm going to be like a typical American and not worry about it until it personally affects me. Yeah, I said it.

I mean other than Twitter wars and "conversations" what is anyone you know actually doing about anything. 

Then I looked at my old neighborhood and was excited at all the Meetup activities and wondered if I should move back. But then when I checked the attendee list and saw all the Target moms, my heart was filled with dread. 

I don't know why. 

I like being able to move a bit seamlessly here in hood-adjacent. I don't really want to go back to being the only black girl at everything.

I was willing to make that concession (I think) for Seattle, but not for NC. Not sure why. Maybe because I've already done it in NC.

When I look at my 3 pillars - financial, emotional, and physical stability - moving away permanently still doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense because my financial stability currently is what affords me emotional and physical stability.

Literally anywhere else I move to is going to cost more. 

There is a part of me that probably still wants to do 6-9 months in Seattle just to eliminate it, but hopefully this part will go to the wayside like my strong desire to live in Spain. 

I think what I decided for now is I'm just going to keep trying different things because what are other people if not a catalogue of lives. There's no need for me to re-invent the wheel. I think we can all agree, we're all just living different permutations of the same handful of choices - marriage, kids, career, travel, recreation, family. 

So I'll just try on other people's lives for now. 

I think this is a divorce party not just from The One, but also the Life I Imagined for myself, and The Acceptable version of Success, and The One idea of how a "good life" looks. 

My remaining years won't be one filled with joy and happy memories. Mine won't be one with a legacy. Mine won't be one surrounded by friends and family at my dying bedside. 

But mine also won't be one where I'm laying homeless on the street. It won't be one where I've been cheated on by a husband or one where my kids turn out to be hellions. It won't be one with stress. It won't be one where I die at a desk scraping to get by. 

It'll be one where I did "the best" that I could. I did all the things I wanted that I could reasonably achieve on my own. That's a lot, yo! 

And it's okay. I'm sure many of us leave life wanting a little bit more, wishing we had gotten to experience just a little bit more. For once, I'll be part of the majority.