Friday Feelings

 The more I watch Love on the Spectrum, the more I feel I can relate to the autism spectrum a bit. I maintain I'm spectrum-adjacent.

I like rules.

I like it when people follow the rules.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules and still get ahead.

I struggle when people don't follow the rules, get ahead, and I get hurt somehow.

I've been thinking more about dating. I rejoined Hinge yesterday while watching 1 dating show. In the same amount of time it took me to get 2 matches, the burner profile (skinny-white) to 20. Ouch.

This time I didn't feel that bad because her 20 were some duds and the 2 normal looking ones turned out to be weirdos. If we're looking on the brightside, I supposed I have less to sift through. 

Thought about joining eHarmony and just committing to the 2 years it might take. But if I remember correctly, I wasn't even getting profile views when I was on there last. Why pay money to be rejected. The data doesn't lie there.

Now it almost feels like a game I have to win.

I don't know. It just feels like the time is now, primarily because I have so much time on my hands.

It feels like I should take a time out and feel the feelings and see if they're still there after x period of time.

I'd been asking myself, if the Slow Fade wasn't in the picture, would I still want to go to Seattle. The answer is a resounding NO. I was like 90% amped to go back, once I deleted my related Gmail account, that feeling faded to 0% pretty quickly. Now it's back up to like 10%. (Mostly to get on the app, flaunt, and then reject him. Do I have to go to Seattle for that though, she laughs maniacally.)

So that was telling. The data doesn't lie.

I think this morning when I was reconsidering going back on the apps (fueled by the anxious-solo-storm that accompanies the weekend), I was trying to find a way to structure the experience to help me get through it.

More on that later.