It got really dark a minute ago

 I think if I had a gun, I would have offed myself about 5 minutes ago. I just couldn't handle it. I'm tired of feeling like I don't know how to live my own life. 

I don't understand why it's such a struggle.

I was going to kill myself literally over a boy. A boy. A dumb boy! It sounds so crazy. You hear about these stories and you wonder what were they thinking.

He wasn't even my boyfriend. It really wasn't about him.

I guess it's about me? Maybe it's a little about him.

I'm a blip on his radar. A thing. An object that he won't remember in a week, a month, a year. And I will have been gone forever.

When I think about it, my goal however misguided and not thought through was to ask him if he wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't think through how I was going to get out of the conversation gracefully. I didn't think through how I would feel if he said no. I didn't think through that it could've been a future yes.

All I thought was it was already a No, but now I want him to say it. 

So many things happened between when I thought it was a No to when I actually asked the question. I didn't consider those things.

So it's not so much the boy as myself - this feeling that I keep messing up and the thing I want just keeps slipping right out of reach.

Then I am scrambling to put the pieces back together again.

How am I right back here. Geez, can I get through one summer break without distress. First it was work, then FIRE, now this.

Can I get a break.

Can I coast?

Can I just be happy.

I just signed up for a free trial of one of the mood apps to get access to the cognitive behavior tool. It didn't help.

I don't mind having tools to help me live longer but I need to know that it's worth it. So far, the data doesn't support it.

Is life a cake that I'm meant to enjoy if I can just mix it all together in just the right away but right now I just keep eating the flour and salt separately?

There's just no evidence that that is true. The 8 billion people on earth doing this 'life' thing just can't be right - can they?

All I see all around me is struggle.

My contention remains - no one has to convince me to eat cake. That's what life should be like right?

So I didn't text the boy and I also didn't kill myself.

Progress right?