The Seattle decision

So I jotted some notes down about my Seattle decision as I was getting my hair done in the torture chair. Basically, I'm not going. I want to go. I can afford to go. I have the time to go.

But if I go with the goal of developing a social life to include dating/ searching for a life partner, I'm setting myself up to fail. That can't be a primary goal. It can't be a primary goal for me because my ability to influence the outcome is limited.

I can only be myself. I can't make anyone like me or love me. So in my book, it's not an "achievable" goal. I don't know what the right word is, but it's not something for which I can take steps toward a known outcome.

Outcomes that depend on other people are not achievable goals for me.

Going the first time, I just wanted to escape NC and stop crying. I can achieve those outcomes by sheer force of will. Just by getting on the plan and arriving in Seattle, I was able to accomplish part of the goal.  

The second time around, I just wanted to go on dates; I was going to say yes to dates. Sure there was a chance I wouldn't get asked out which is why the bigger goal was to live in a city, and do city girl things, and really just to get out of the house at least 3 times a week. But I'd also been on the apps a few times to know that I would get asked out at least a couple times (by people I wasn't interested in), I just had to say yes. 

So I was able to achieve those goals.

The sheer fact of me being in Seattle doesn't accomplish the goal of making friends or falling in love. 

So I can't go. I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak and there are enough people and circumstance doing that for me, I can't do that to myself.

I committed to protect MERJ - physically, emotionally, and financially. 

When I've moved before, it's for jobs or school and pursuing a social life was a good active Secondary goal. But the default goal was the job or the degree. 

Even if I were to move over seas (as I've wanted to in the past)...the goal there might be to experience life in another country or learn to speak a new language or live life in another language. The goal would be achievable and partially achieved just upon arrival.

That is not the case with my proposed trip to Seattle.

I need something running in the background to keep me motivated. Something to do. Something to accomplish and achieve to fuel the secondary goal. 

I'd thought about trying to get a part-time job or even a full time job. I've searched Indeed quite a few times, but meh. That's as far as I've gotten.