I thought I'd made up my mind about Seattle, but here we are. I definitely don't get the same high as I did dreaming about it. Why do I like to break my own heart.
I wish I'd brought my iPad with my mood tracker app. Sigh.
The train ride although long was actually not that bad. The key is good snacks and no next door neighbors.
I want to break up with my brain but I don't know which one.
Do I just let it go.
Some thoughts...
- Maybe this is like winning the lottery, where you don't make any big purchases in the first year?
-- the problem with that is.. I may only have a couple more years of cash flow
--- but with this theory, then I kind of sit back and relax till like next Mar 2023. that actually might help. my theme for this year was temperance.... hmmm
- Okay, so without a job or bigger reason to be in Seattle, maybe I just go for cuffing season in Sept and Oct, just to date.
---- but maybe this was as good as it gets, and I just let it go
---- my concern is...what the heck do I do for the next 3 months?
------ my concern with letting it go, is that I feel like I'm playing 11th hour chicken with God except he's not playing.. you know...well God, I give up...and then expect him to lure me back with magic candy romance ...except if it didn't work for virtually everyone in my family and family friend group, what makes me so special?
- So what are the facts? What exactly are my choices?
- go to Seattle Sept to Oct OR don't go
- well I at least feel committed to staying and saving for remainder of Jul and Aug; but honestly that doesn't excite me quite as much as it used to
----- why don't I just stay put and release myself from dating app torture and searching rentals until say... Aug 21st... it's a Sunday
--- honestly, maybe who cares...while it seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity, that I need to capitalize on, the truth is...it doesn't matter in the end.
---- I resisted moving to that industrial town growing up; I resisted not being able to go 4 year college after high school; I resisted moving to hood adjacent house; and in the end resistance was futile. I lived in that terrible town and left when I got a chance. I went to community college and was so hell bent on graduating from a "good college" that I missed the chance to go to pharmacy school sooner and ended up in massive debt. And I moved to hood-adjacent house and was able to reach FIRE faster - that was a combination of COVID, higher paying job, and the lower rent though. I feel just as miserable as I thought I would feel, but then I get to go to the grocery store and virtually 90% of places, and I'm never the only black face. So there's that.
- I've had numerous opportunities over the last couple years that seemed like the perfect opportunity for a better social and family life, and I got over those. I'll just add this to the pile. Even this month is no different, and here I am halfway through it. So I'll get over a boring August stuck in the hot Death House, and likewise Oct and Nov.
Back to the grind of living in the space of the life you have vs the one you imagined. It's familiar. I know this place all too well. Every so often, someone or something reminds me and I get stuck, but in the end, I only have the life I have.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.