Jul 3, I went to church!

 Wow! Who knows how long it's been! It depends on when you started counting. I woke up this morning, and I just went. I'd wanted to go to the one by the Food Lion but couldn't find the times online #waymish. So I searched one I'd seen before and knew it to be a mega church so I wouldn't have to interact with too many people. 

I found 2 - I went with the one with the earlier start time. 

I loosely thought next Sunday I would just try the other one just to say I tried. But we'll see.

Since I'm getting fewer and fewer readers, this feels more like a private journal (of the end of my life). So I feel I can get more personal and intimate with you all. 

The church is called Manna. It was fine. There were 4 white people at the door so I was afraid it was going to be a whites-only church. But I went in anyway, I was already there. But I had to put on a bit of a defensive stride. Luckily one of the indoor greeters was black. 

I grabbed the closest seat in the back. I was hot, it's so hot here, as though I couldn't complain enough. Anyway, I quickly was reminded why I stopped going to churches like these. After the praise and worship, we were directed to watch a screen from the main campus - which I still don't know. Well, I could do this at home!

Oh well. I'm kind of going through the motions it seems for the shell of a life I have left. I don't want to say next 20 because that seems too much. I can handle next 10. For right now, it's just today.

So by the end, I figured I can go through the motions for a little while. Maybe next Sunday, maybe just 1 Sunday in July. I hope all of July at least as part of my Totally Bummer Summer.

Yesterday I put back on the itchy ring as a placeholder. I couldn't cope with feeling "forgotten" by the Slow Fade.

This morning, I went to delete old bookmarks and clicked on one that reminded me that texting is like nothing to guys. So then I had a little bit of hope. I don't know. My mind has already been turned to the fact that this is a Slow Fade so beating myself up over trying to find the right words or moment for the last text is futile, but it's an exercise I'll torture myself with until it's done. 

Because obviously a sliver hope remains that we do fall in love, and live happily ever after. 

Anyway, the message today was from Daniel 3. I thought it was going to be the Lion's Den story, but it wasn't. It was about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It's a story I thought I'd heard before but maybe I'm starting to forget my Bible stories. That's what happens when you don't go to church I guess.

At first I was like well, Slow Fade's name is Dan, so maybe it's a sign we should be together!!

Nope. Signs are stumbling blocks for me.

The part of the story that struck me that I don't feel had been presented in a way that I recalled was that the three guys said pretty much, we don't want to die in the fire, but if you don't answer our prayer, we will glorify God with our death.

That's where I am now, I guess. I don't want to die alone and feel like I never got the thing that God says he is which is love on earth. And so if I'm not going to have that, then I do want to bow down before Nebuchanezzar's idols. I don't want to die in the fiery depth of isolation and alone-ness. But those guys, chose to glorify God with their death.

So I can do that too. 

Instead of offering, I went to Walmart and sent $1500 to my family overseas. It's an offering to them and supplication for my prayer that me and Slow Fade do fall in love and live happily ever after. Oh well.

My treat was some snacks at the Dollar store. I got chips and a bottle of Welch's sparkling grapple juice - my favorite. To celebrate my sologamy and a rededication to this single by fate life. 

Well those single moms by choice made the choice I think because they didn't find a partner in their time frame, right? I think the 'choice' part is that they weren't divorced or have a deadbeat dad.

So I guess if the empowered stance is single by choice, then I can choose that position as well.

I didn't match with a partner. 

So I choose a different path. More to come, I guess.