In comes another era

 I downloaded 3 mood tracker apps yesterday. They kept asking about goals. Goals, ha.

So is this life, I thought, just filling your time with random things to pass the time. I guess it is for me.

I fantasized a little bit more about moving to Seattle. This time I thought why not just go for 3 months starting in August instead of hemming and hawing. Do the thing that works now.

So tired of future planning.

I asked a couple committee members. One pivoted the conversation back to her future plans. The other was like Go and just rent your house out for 6 months. Seeing it on paper, I immediately revolted.

It felt stupid.

I don't know how I feel about that committee member. I guess she's a good reflection of me. She denounced her faith because she didn't get to be a wife and mother like she wanted. Except she did! She got married and then divorced the guy because he didn't pay attention to her. Ugh, duh, I said, that's every woman. They just don't talk about it. They just post their happy pictures of a paired life. Women carry 99% of the relationship, dummy.

I feel like it's kind of sad. I also feel like she is looking for someone to try to convince her so she can use logic and her "negative" experience to come back with so she can feel justified in her position. I know that because I'm like that sometimes.

It's barely sunup and here I am with my Feelings. I got 1/3 of the way done with taking my braids out yesterday. I still have a few to do and my arms and shoulder already hurt. Ugh. 

Seattle is quickly fading outside the realm of possibility. I may not have mentioned that a few days ago to try to jumpstart this fading, I upped my 401k contribution. I'm left with just what I need to cover basic and a few bigger expenses. I'd originally budgeted for another $10k for vacations or extras for the 2nd half of the year. But I got tired of thinking about where I wanted to go or how I wanted to spend the money. So I removed the money. #easy

I'm stalling to say, I just sent another love note to the Mormon. It's literally what I did when I was 17 except instead of emails, it was postcards. If I'm going to act stupid in the name of love, go big or go home. The plan was to immediately delete the Gmail account, but I'm trying to hang on until after 8a. We shall see.

Yeah, so I creeped on the Slow Fade. The thought, laughably, actually occurred to me that maybe he lost his phone. The way the texts just kind of stopped seemingly mid-convo struck me as odd. I mean this is Right Brain in all her infinite jest. So I quickly created a burner profile and nope, he was swiping recently. Laughable. I have too much data to be acting like this, but here we are. And surprisingly, the Mormon was back on the app! I don't know why that got me excited. I think because I thought he might have been off because he met someone. Nope! Single Pringle.

American men, and probably men in general are amazing. I'm a standard 9, I think. These guys are maybe 5 to 7s by traditional standards of beauty and they really think they can do better than me.

Then I hear yet another story of a guy who packed up everything to follow his girlfriend to Brazil after dating for a few weeks. I mean, sheesh.

This is where I get stuck. I know the romance I imagined for myself and I know the reality that skinny white is the standard. How do I reconcile. I get stuck on what I have to compromise on. I know I won't be actively pursued by the guys I want. But am I doing too much pursuing? Do I have to be more interesting than a skinny-white? I just don't get it. But I've tried just about everything. I can tell you for sure that lowering my standards definitely led to more interaction. But maybe not less heartbreak.

I don't know which one is worse being stuck in the friendzone and not even being seen as a desirable woman for years or short term dating relationships that never get off the ground.