Where to even start

 Right before I wake up, I seem to have the best titles and content. But I guess the time between that and making it to my home office is way too much for my short term memory.

I woke a up a bit melancholy.

I had an 11p EST virtual date last night with an Oldie from Hinge. I think he was in his early 50s. Yes, just like when I was in my late 20s, my late 30s seemed old. Early 50s seems ancient and honestly a little inappropriate.

I was having some mixed feelings when I rejoined Hinge to try to get the attention of Slow Fade 2. I think I'm starting to tease out what those feelings are. I think I feared being faced with the reality that yes, he isn't pining away from me (as his 3 week ghosting should have clued me in). But I want so badly to believe in magic candy romance. 

So I've tried filtering for him and I think he has his age parameters set for younger girls. Gross. I think this because he doesn't show up in my feed and he does show up in my burner profile's feed who is aged 34. Yuck.

But don't let the gross and yuck fool you, I'd still take him if he wanted me. But he doesn't. 

Plus the cool dream place I'd found on AirBnB is super booked! They'd had this good deal that'd gotten my attention. A Lakehouse steps to the lake and a cute little neighborhood. The more I read, the more I was interested. I even bookmarked it. Because I'm not quite as spontaneous as I want to be and I didn't have a big plan for this summer, it took me a while to figure out that I might enjoy a lakehouse getaway with or without a boy.

I just hate the feeling that I'm letting this particular opportunity in my life pass me by and I'm not taking advantage of it. I pretty much lazed around yesterday. The opportunity, to be clear, being all this free time and free money. For once I'd rather be spending my extra cash rather than investing it and even that has proven hard to do. Imagine! 

But yeah, like a human, once I lost the lakehouse I suddenly imagined myself spending magical summers there. Lazing around the lake. I even looked up purchasing a standup paddleboard. The pictures that were posted - I imagined those were me and my friends. Bonfires, late night dinners, fun chats.

Oh yea, that's not real, MERJ! For starters, you don't actually have any friends! And my hair is not lake water ready! But either way, I imagined inviting over a boy and just having this getaway together. Sigh. 

If only we could bring our imagination to life with just sheer will.

Anyway, as for my virtual date, I'm a bit disappointed that I again didn't speak up for myself. He wanted an 8p call, but that's 8p PST because my location is set to Seattle again. Ugh, that was 11p EST and I haven't been staying up that late recently. I thought about cancelling or trying to reschedule but the momentum of confrontation is more than I had to give. Plus, in my last test run, I was trying out being a Yes girl.

In the darkness, I remembered that Slow Fade pushed a lot of boundaries that in hindsight I really should have spoken up for myself. But I don't know anymore. My contention remains that I don't know the boundaries myself between agreeable and pushover. 

Oh but as for the Oldie, he revealed that he was a gambling addict. I'm so starved for conversation and attention, that I agreed to another date. I guess this is how ghosts are made. He was nice enough and I don't have the heart to confront him that I'm not interested. Although I'm not prioritizing speaking up for myself, my commitment to myself is to protect myself financially (physically and emotionally). While he hasn't gambled in 20+ years, the risk is still there. I believe everything, and I worked too hard to save this money for someone to trick me into losing it. 

I can't seem to get the attention of Slow Fade or Mormon and the Seattle Dream is like a dim memory these days so I don't know that I need to be on the app much longer.

July will be over soon and then there's August. I might start the dance class, I might not. But the fantasies of Love and starting over in Seattle are fading like the dream of being a child actress. It would've been nice, more than nice, but the reality is it just didn't happen.