5p and it still sucks

 I don't want to live another minute if I have to live this life alone. I wish I had some indication that things are looking up for me in terms or partnership. I wish I had something to hold on to. 

I hate to say I won't be happy without a partner but I've already done all the stuff I want to do by myself. I don't want to do another thing by myself. Not.One.Thing.

Did you know I've spent almost $30k this year already. Wow, that's my usual spend for the year and it's still July!

That's twice what I spent all of last year and we're barely past the halfway mark.

I'm not even that concerned.

Luckily, my investments are going back up! I'm only 10% down from a record low of about 20% down. I was tempted to send the message just now and that was causing another anxious storm.

So I'm determined to send the message, I think. But if I do, let's wait the 2 months. I will have to determine if it's worth launching myself into another anxious storm. Spoiler: Mean Brain always tells me it's worth it. This Time Will Be Different, it lies.

Just think, if I had stopped after 3 months or even three bad experiences on Hinge, I would have been 7 months freed. 

But it's after 5p, so I technically made it the 3 days without contacting the boy!

If I can do that, I can do anything!

If I had just deleted my number and moved on in June, I could've been done with this.

But what's confusing is this.

Everyone said he wasn't into me and he wouldn't text.

Even after that first week back, I believed it.

But he was into me (at least enough to see me again) and he did text. So now my data seems a bit corrupted.

Sure he's not hopelessly in love with me, but really who is?

And he did plan the trip which was the metric. Even looking up flights from where I live. I just didn't know.

So now what do I do?