It's done

 The phone is turned off and in the closet. I just finally unpacked my suitcases and put them in the scary closet so I know I won't be tempted to go in there. If I were really serious and had the forethought, I would've put the phone in the nested suitcases in the scary closet. Then I'd really never get it back! 

Today is day 3 since I contacted the boy and he never called me or texted me back.

Yes, if I could turn back time, I would. I would not have asked. I forgot I'm clinging to breadcrumbs but I went for the whole enchilada. It's just so silly because it's things I already know. Never ask. You know a guy likes you because he says I like you and I want you to be my girlfriend. But then there's this other narrative that says you need to require him to do stuff...like he doesn't treat you like a girlfriend because you don't require him to be a boyfriend.

I was anxious but happy seeing this atheist recreational drug user because the alternative was this - living life alone with nothing to look forward to.

But there was a part of me that was self-sabotaging. I didn't want the anxiety of sitting through the what-ifs. And I didn't have the experience that affords the confidence to just enjoy the experience without firm attachment. My history just whispered he's not that into you that's why you're not his girlfriend and he will leave you when he finds someone else and you will be even more invested than you already are.

When the narrative should have just been - you enjoy each other's company, just enjoy yourself and let it be what it is. I'm remembering a committee member's relationship that I observed from the outside. It took him about 2 years to realize how good he had it, when I realized instantly, duh, you have everything you need in this woman - physically, emotionally, and financially. But you just have to wait for people to get there on their own.

So I guess 2 years is a better timeframe than 2 weeks or 2 months. It's like with financial independence, you can't cram it down any one's throat. So I would say Temperance is not going well for me this year. 

But this is a known. I now think he's the love of my life and I will never find anyone else when really all it is - man, starting over with someone else sounds annoying. I'm tired of telling the story and getting to know someone new and investing even 1 more ounce of my time, energy, or other resource. 

The newness is gone.