7/1, 10a - Feeling better

 So I got over that anxious hump, and feeling better! Time for Totally Bummer Summer. I have no plans for anything going my way in July or the rest of the summer, and that's okay.

I give myself total permission to bum around all of July, the hottest month of the summer. And not even going to touch on August.

For July, so far, I have to get my hair done for my 2 work trips. When I was at Call Center #1, I used to think how cool it was to travel for work. In true MERJ Life, I get to take a train to work (versus a 1st class flight to a very important meeting). Oh well. #BummerSummer. #OrdinaryLife.

I'm okay with it though. Now that I know seeking (even secretly) extraordinary things or remarkable outcomes is what brings me down, I'm going to stop doing that nonsense. 

It's nice to have something to anchor July.

There are also some events with volunteering and the garden. #ILiveHereNow

And I even got to use my decision tree. A Committee Member is going on a trip to Kenya. And I immediately fantasized about going with Seattle Boy and even asking him about it.

Two decision trees in play - 1, I purposed not to try to have any relationship talk or fantasy talk for the 1st week after he came back. So I couldn't ask or bring it up.

Decision Tree #2 - I purposed not to take any more trips by myself. So, I can look for funsies, but I'm not going. 

See...that was easy! All I need, World, is a good decision tree! Just some structure!

Also, if I ever do go on any trips, when I'm stable again, Expedia is where it's at. It's so easy to just book a hotel and flight for like $2500 or less. I'm sure it's not the frugalist, but oh well. It's definitely easy. 

I'm trying out a new banking solution for the next 6 months. I already transferred 3 of my billpay accounts, so we are ready to go folks! 

I hope it works out and they'll let me update my name in a couple months. But we shall see. 

Updated my 401k after tax from 6% to 18% then at the last moment just rounded up to 20%. I figure, there aren't actually any big trips on the horizon. I didn't want to go back and recalculate what that number would be without big trips so I just rounded up a couple percentage points.

I'm not dwelling on any negatives right now. It's Bummer Summer! 

Getting those last money moves done feels good.

2 more committee members confirmed that the boy is actually a slow fade. Which sucks. But on one hand takes a bit of pressure off because there's no one magical thing that is going to make or break the relationship. Which is what causes some anxiety. One thing I am doing while I enjoy the sunsetting on this relationship is once I send a text I immediately delete the contact and text history. That way I can't stress over it. I did start taking screenshots because some of the stuff I say amuses me. Haha. 

I'm trying to hang on until my next therapy appointment to see what she advises, but I'm really not sure in this moment what I'm going to do. 

I wrote an unsent letter to the Mormon. Brain, in its infinite confusion, has elevated him to a Boy I Loved. We already know this song and dance, even still I believe her. I'm crying, I'm sad, I'm wistful. It's a little ridiculous, but it FEELS real! 

So even if I think I can handle the Slow Fade, Brain is so unpredictable, I'll have to delete that email and Voice number just to keep it in the past. I'm just deciding on when. 

I'll let him keep imitating for now.  I forgot what my other benchmarks were. I guess it matters less since I already know the outcome. There's nothing to plan for a relationship that is already ending. 

So as of 10:33a, I'm feeling good.