Is it actually just random?

 I think my aunt passing in such an unceremonious way really got me thinking - is life really just random? How romantic it is to believe in destiny and fate and karma. But I don't have good data that those things really exist.

Maybe that's why the fantasy of it is so alluring. There must be a reason all these bad things are happening. I must have done something good to deserve all these good things.

This doesn't make me question my faith, but in 38 years I've looked for signs and hidden meanings to so many life decisions, and the results are at most inconsistent. I want to say inconclusive, but I think I can safely conclude that there is no meaning to life. 

I was born because my parents made a baby. That search for higher meaning and higher power has left me emotionally exhausted, and to what end? 

It does release me from the grief of the past of thinking I'd missed my "destiny." It's not so much my destiny as I took a wrong turn somewhere and got stuck in the woods. I think it was all this looking for meaning and symbols that keeps getting me turned around.

So for me, my life works out better without this stronghold of "meant to be" or higher meaning. It's something I've been slowly singing for most of my life, but now I believe it more strongly than ever.

I think also in that quest for meaning, I tend to put myself down somehow. My only quest now is to quiet Mean Brain. But she doesn't have much of a strong hold without this thirst for meaning. 

If I eat nails today, there's no meaning.

If I had gotten robbed yesterday, there's no meaning. I just encountered a robber. 

So I guess the next 2 years is just me trying to rewire my brain. 

Life really isn't that serious.

You know this all ties back to Seattle. So if I go to Seattle this weekend, next month, the month after, next year or never go again, literally nothing happens. There's no butterfly effect. My life isn't automatically changed for the better or worse. 

There's some comfort in it but it's also an arduous task to re-imagine life. To feel like geez, I really am in control of alll my future outcomes?! That's a heavy load! Well obvi, not in control of my outcomes so much as I can control as much as I can control. That doesn't say much, but I can't end world hunger or stop people from treating me badly. 

But there's no meaning to those things. It's not because I did something to deserve any of those outcomes. 

Honestly, I feel a little lighter, but I know this feeling won't last. It's 38 years of uncoupling to do. I certainly don't want to spend 38 more years doing that. I'll try my best within the next 2 years, then I won't try anymore. I might only try for 1 more minute.

Anyway, I came on here to talk about how great my trip was. I took Amtrak and it was an okay experience. I was just pleased as punch that it was the pleather seats that are easily wipeable and not fabric seats that store all the things.  I had plenty of leg room. The seats reclined. I took the appropriate snacks and I dressed appropriately.

My hotel room was clean and snug.

We had delicious food at the lunch meeting with great grandboss. And I'm doubly proud of myself for going to the dinner and not dying. It was fun to talk to people.

Afterward, I felt like wow, I don't suck at making friends or small talk. I almost felt a little sad not going to the picnic.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I think I probably need to keep my race comments to myself and I did make some comments about people's appearances that are harmless but I think no longer belong in the workplace - namely, your hair is so curly and you're smaller than I thought. Just in case you were wondering.

I'm a bit out of practice, but I think just this wondering and second guessing is what I don't like. One of my colleagues even wanted to hang out with me when she comes down for a beach vacation with her family.

I thought that was very sweet. But it's weird now that we've already met.

And actually the week she will be in NC, I will be in DC. I thought we could squeeze something out that Sunday, but if I'm as tired as I am now after a week of being around people, it's probably a no. 

And then I remembered, my no going out after 70 degree weather. Haha, it's so convenient. 

Then I checked my email and there's a voicemail from the EAP people, my counselor is "no longer available." My first thought was the wording means she dumped me as a client. Rude! Honestly, the data showed me this when she cancelled our appointment a month or so ago. So glad I wasn't depending on her to help me figure out what to do with Slow Fade 2. 

I will say my brain was tingling to try to contact her earlier, so I think my spidey senses are back. I wish there was a class to better channel my powers. 

Oh well. I am left to navigate this world alone. Much like dating, I tried counseling because the world told me to, and it was not a good fit. That's what the young kids say now, right?

If 3 is going to be my number going forward in this solo journey, then, I might go to Seattle for a third time. The only question is if I'll do it this year or next.

Because I want to be done with dating and all things mean, I want to do it this year. But there is also a part of me building a narrative of "summering" somewhere cool. I already decided my "summer" dates would be around Memorial Day (my unofficial start of summer) and Fourth of July (right before peak heat). And I had my sights set on Seattle because #easychoice.

There's really only 1 more summer left that I could potentially do this because part of the fun is working from a different place and being able to have fun the other part of the day. 

The biggest variable is if I'll have the time next year with my work schedule. Right now, while I do want to get this dating monkey off my back, there is some comfort in punting it to next year with the small chance that it will fall off the radar. And I get to heal, and maybe somewhere new will pop up.  Plus, there will be a fresh round of candidates and maybe some of the old duds will return for me to be the one that ghosts them. Oh, Petty Brain, how I've missed you!

I mean honestly, I hope I forget each and every one of them, but we know that won't happen. I can always #FeignIgnorance. I like this plot even better. 

So yeah, I'm kind of over Seattle, she says perked up on cookies. We'll see what happens when the boringness settles in. 

Oh well, that's what I've been up to the last few days. I'm very proud of myself for changing my 401k back to the higher contribution in the midst of rejection fog. Change the things you can! Don't worry about the things you can't! 

It'll be good to have this week off  (between work trips I mean). And then look forward to next week. And then the week after that I can relax.

And the summer walking ladies group is moving to mall walking for the summer! Yess! So I might be able to partake. That will be nice. So I'll have a Friday activity and if I still keep going to Conservative Video Church, that's 2 days of outings! 

There's a food drive tomorrow. I just checked the weather, and it will be 70+ starting at 2a, the event is at 8a. That's a no. I already was thinking I'm too tired to go, so that solidifies it.

And with no meaning to life, I don't have to second guess my choices. Just plug and chug.