Chasing waterfalls

 I thought deleting my Google account Thursday would be the action to end these wishful feelings. It is not. Twice now, I've recovered the account - to no emails or messages, naturally.

This weekend of wishful thinking was the thing I wanted to avoid, but here I am. 

Even after not talking to me for a week and infrequent texting the 3 weeks since we last saw each other, I still want to ask the question of if he wants to try to make it work.

Oh, brain. Why do you play these tricks on me!

I've still been scouring Blueground and Zeus for Seattle short term rentals.

I'd convinced myself that before I retire, I need to actually live a life to retire from. I narrowed it down to staying more than 6 weeks. Wasn't sure about 3, 6, or 9 months.

The Seattle winter scares me. I don't feel like being wet and cold. But then I counter that with, you have 20 years of NC winters ahead of you. It'll be worth it, if you get a chance at the life you imagined.

I think just reading different blogs like Financial Mechanic running away to Netherlands after a bad break-up or even A Purple Life and the reportedly good time she had in Seattle... just makes me want to do something to jumpstart myself out of this funk.

So why now? I have nothing else to do really. I have a pretty good idea of my workload for the next 6 months and it seems manageable. Beyond that, the future I see for myself just seems bleak. There's also a good chance once the hurt from all this dating failure scabs over, that will be tough to re-enter. 

It's tough to see the Lessons Learned from my past. I don't know if it's 40 years of data telling me to give-up and settle into the life I have now, or keep going. 

There are so many realities to reconcile when you're trying to live a fantasy.

So I decided on 3 months  - Aug, Sep, Oct. The internet says cuffing season is actually Late  Fall. So actually there goes that theory. I was thinking starting in August people would want to pair up, but this little phenomena allegedly begins Oct/Nov. Hrmph. Just did a quick search as I type this. 

I just wanted to have all the elements at once - friends, a career, a social life,a boyfriend, just stability.

But maybe this is it.

Oh well.

On one hand, I'm not that surprised, I literally knew this was it (cue: gold tooth, death house, call center jobs, no hair, etc). On the other hand, why not kiss a few more boys. I mean I apparently can't do anything wrong since none of them want to marry me anyway, so why don't I use that historical knowledge to give Zero Fs.

Kinda like financial freedom. Well, similar to financial freedom, I still want to do a decent job at work.

I know that are lessons here, but I'm too wrapped up in Feelings to figure out what they are.