It occurred to me last night that I've been on the wrong path for the last 20 years. With unwavering certainty, I believe I’m unhappy and feeling unaccomplished because I took the wrong path. I believed all the dogmas of the day when really I should have been laser-focused on Christ and the path and destiny he had set for me. In languishing in my hurt feelings for 2 decades, I failed to see his glory and I missed most of my blessings.
When I was 17 years old (20 years ago), I finished high school and was off to college. I applied to State School and Brand Name School in NC. I think I'd seen a flyer for a Divinity Program at my church and thought why not. I don't really remember the reasons why anymore. I was pretty happy to attend State School. I think because I'd always been labeled smart, I went for Brand Name School. I always love metrics and inflection points and I applied Early Decision. I remember praying so hard that I got in. I made all the promises to God. I probably even bargained that even if I don't get to go, it'll be good to get in.
Well I got in and when it came time, I decided to go. It was the best moment. I felt like all the struggle was worth it. Finally my life would take off.
Looking back, I knew financial aid was going to be a problem before I even started. I don't remember why I didn't go back to State School. Had I already told them no? Did I even do a financial aid request for State School? I honestly don't even remember.
Anyway, I started at Brand Name School. I even started Early. I was confident this was my path. This was my fairy dream come true. Life was going to be just like the movies!
About 2 months into the semester, my financial aid situation came crashing down. I'm thinking back like, how did we even pin any dream on that shaky financial aid situation. I think we thought God would come through somehow. I don't know. Now that I'm taking the time to look back, I think I knew early on that I wasn't eligible for financial aid or did I find out after I started?
I don't know, the decision must have come after I'd already committed to going.
I don't know. Either way, I left Brand Name School. I moved to Maryland where I went on to pout for the next 20 years. I based every decision on the fact that things don't go your way even if "you do everything right."
Had I changed my perspective and looked forward to new blessings and not focus on what others around me were doing, I believe my life would've been very different.
I still got to go college. Except I was living with a relative and working full time and taking a bus to community college. I didn't focus on the fact that I still got to go to college. I focused on the fact that I didn't get to go Brand Name College, live in a dorm, and have "the best 4 years of my life."
In retrospect, how lucky was I to have free housing! How lucky I was to be free and autonomous and explore DC and all the neighboring cities. How lucky I was to cashflow college!
In those 2 years, I applied to dozens and dozens of 4 year colleges because this was not the life I was meant to have!! I would get in but couldn't afford it. I completely lost focus on God's glory. I wanted what I wanted.
It was actually in community college that I met a group of smart kids who were closer to my position in life than the kids I wanted to be like in Brand Name school. They were pursuing all matters of health sciences. One was pharmacy school. I had it in the back of my mind since I was doing really well in chemistry when others weren't.
I had nice enough co-workers. I had a girl I was helping study and pass the course. I ate all the fast food my hard earned dollars could buy.
I think if I had approached that time in my life with gratitude instead of deprivation, my path would've been straighter.
Anyway, all along I thought I wanted to be a teacher but I was still taking chem classes for basic requirements and still toying with the idea of pursuing a pharmacy degree. When I could no longer fit both paths in my schedule, I thought it would be better to be a teacher. It felt Godly. I could reach a lot of people, do a lot of good, and I wouldn't be chasing money or fame.
There were just so many signs that this was the wrong choice - math classes were at weird hours, I dropped a few because they were so hard. I ended up getting laid off so I had time to pursue the science courses needed for pharmacy.
But I didn't want to do labs or a speech course. Ha! I've had to take way more useless classes since then.
In the end, I transferred out to a four year college when I could finally afford it. Undergrad was such a colossal waste of time. Pursuing teaching was such a disappointment. I hated it. And I still ended up chasing "fame" by way of a fancy Brand Name Master's degree that I couldn't afford.
I'm getting mad just thinking about it.
Here's some notes from last night on the subject.
The people I met along the way are no longer in my life in any significant way because I took the wrong path. That dumb college experience had no significant positive lasting impact on my life. As the saying goes, the juice was not worth the squeeze. All the effort I put into pursuing that degree and those relationships really was such a poor use of my mental and psychological facilities.
I think I even missed out on really getting to know my aunt and enjoy her because of the dumb choices I made. There’s no reason she could not have lived as long as my grandma, but my wrong choices affected her life as well. Of all the roads taken, my life in Maryland made the most sense.
I was so angry at God and mad at his timing. I didn’t trust his timing or that He was who he said he was. I focused so much on what I wanted and what I thought I should have or deserved. I made that my mission to reclaim what I thought I deserved instead of living the life God had laid out for me. It was a good life.
Some diets work for some people, some diets don’t work for some people even though the basic formula is the same - burn more calories than you consume. I can eat sugar all day everyday and I’m not obese. That's the diet that works for me. Just like there was a life that worked for me. But I wasn't following my life plan, I was looking at the plan of others and trying to make it fit my plan.
Some people benefit from the struggle and think they have to work really hard to make something worth it. That wasn’t supposed to be my journey. My path was easier than I made it out to be.
I think just 'getting in' to Brand Name School was supposed to be the end of the story. It was the prize I wanted for my scholastic efforts in K-12 but it wasn't the life I was supposed to have.
I always remember thinking, my immigration decision came down to 12 days (or something) - why didn't God just fix those 12 days so I could live my Brand Name School Dream. But that was never supposed to be my life. Those 12 days were supposed to change my course forever. That was intentional. It was my first test from God and I failed SPECTACULARLY.
Had I never gone to the local community college, I would have never known about pharmacy. I was happily tracking along this path and it was easy. Others were struggling and it was remarkably easier for me. But in full hubris, I just thought that was more reason why I didn't "belong" at community college. This was why I needed to go to Brand Name School and live that life.
I was obviously wrong. It was a lot of heartache and that’s what I focused on- the heartache. Not the adventure of it all! Not the fact that I was surrounded by love and care taking. I didn’t know then how much my aunt loved me. All she'd done and given up for ME. I was too busy being mad at the world.
There were 2 or 3 pharmacy schools nearby. One was even top-ranked for a State School. Just the way I liked it. Nope, I was better than that. I was determined to go to a Brand Name school.
When I look at my cousin's life I often think she stole my life. She inserted herself in the life I created and subsequently abandoned. It’s hard not to think that was the life God had planned for me and I rejected it because I thought I knew better. I thought I deserved better.
I wonder what kind of pharmacist I would have been - retail, clinical, or industry. Not disgruntled. Likely I would have been in academia.. I don’t know. Or maybe did that and transitioned to industry.
In my original life, I’d be living in a cool townhouse right there in Metro DC with my aunt. We’d ride out the pandemic and be planning our next adventure when it was over.
I’d probably be married with kids. I only stopped wanting this for my life during the beatdown of the last 20 years when it didn't seem like anything I wanted was ever going to happen. But it was always going to happen - just not my timing and not straying so far from the life I was destined to live.
I would have been surrounded by love because I would have felt first hand the life altering power of God's love. I'd probably have had a better relationship with my bio parents. I’d probably have been able to bring my other brother over because I would have been thinking clearly. It was going to be maybe 2 years of heartache but I turned it into 20 because I could only see what I thought I lost.
But I didn’t trust him and I didn’t trust it, and so here I am.
Alone and chasing money.
I know this post is all over the place because I was too lazy last night to write it when the thoughts were pouring in. But I've never been more certain that the last 20 years was just a tragedy of errors. I know now for my life if I’m banging on too many doors, it’s not the right path.
If it hurts too much or makes me uncomfortable, it’s not the right path. I’ve even been using my feelings wrong.
One of the things I always wish were true when we get to heaven was to have visibility into where we went wrong. I think I already got a sneak peek. I’ve never been more sure that I’m closer to heaven than I ever was before.
The Daily Hope message from yesterday was basically speaking my truth.
“All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own” (Isaiah 53:6 NLT). Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death” (NIV).
It leads to death. That's where I am right now. I strayed so far off the path pursuing what I wanted and now I'm on my way to death. It was clear yesterday and even clearer today.