Backsliding Like a Mop

 It's 3a on Monday and this weekend was mostly good but still confusing. 

There was a a lot of creeping and replaying the last few weeks/ year. A lot of flashbacks. 

I find myself missing the drama. Not really that I want it back but mostly just muscle memory. 

I realize that without the friendship I thought I had with My Boss, I was just overworking myself for nothing. There are things you tolerate from a friend that you wouldn't from an acquaintance.

I just feel like an idiot. I pinned so many hopes and dreams on this friendship.

Like to have been lied to for a year is just astounding.

It makes me question my own judgement. Was I so desperate or the white lies so great I couldn't keep up? 

I thought I was past this point in my life. 

I don't even crave friends like I used to. After 1 or 2 hiccups, I just kind of move on or put that distance between us.

I wanted so badly to believe MY AUNT sent her to me. I truly did. So many things she did reminded me of my aunt. I questioned early on whether I was truly 'special' but I just wanted something to believe in. I wanted something bigger than my life.

I suspended disbelief for so long I started to believe the lies. I wanted to believe the lies. It was just easier. I fell for all her seductive charming words. 

In many a daydream, I even pictured us in the old folks home together. 

When I look back on last year as just a number, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SUCKER. One of my co-workers called me that once and I laughed it off. That's what happens when you're damaged goods. That's what happens when you're desperate. 

Will FIRE cure any of this? No. 

So what's it all for? 

I'm even starting to question what my alive aunt said, what are you even going to do if you quit work? Is she a naysayer or is this something I need to consider? 

I only want good things and good people in my life. Why do we have to take the good with the bad? Where can we only get the good.

My nights and weekends are what it looks like when I try to filter out the bad. I am alone - and unscathed. It might be better this way. 

I have made up so many rules to protect myself, why do I keep breaking them. Is this what God feels like when we don't follow his rules and end up unhappy. Probably.

Following hard rules is so hard when seductive easy rules are easier to follow. 

I don't know that happiness and belonging were ever supposed to be the thing to achieve. It's so hard to know what to believe in America when so much of what we want can be traced back to marketing. 

I don't know that I even want Monday to come because it'll just be more confirmation that I was never wanted. I was a commodity to be traded. I feel like a lunatic - this time will be different. I didn't love my job but I LOVED my boss. But when I was no longer on her team, it was like I never existed.

I creeped the calendar last week and kept looking for some sort of sign as to why I hadn't heard from her. Maybe she was too busy to check her email or respond to anything I forwarded. Maybe she was too busy to remember to check on me or say Hi. Or even send some sort of funny colluding email that recalled our last year together. 

I wonder if she ever will? I mean I imagine I'll be CC'ed on at least 1 email. What do I say if in the off chance I'm wrong and she sends a friendly greeting.

Is Silence disempowering in this scenario?

Do I let her know she's hurt my feelings? 

Or do I let it go? 

Why are you being so weird?

Never thought I'd hear from you after that weirdish send off and not hearing from you for awhile? It really hurt my feelings. Is that what you intended?

Did you mean to hurt my feelings with that weird chilly sendoff and ghosting me for a week? (Ha, even in this scenario, I'm thinking something different will happen this Monday eventhough I know from experience she checks her email while she's away and I know from her calendar she's been responding to meeting invites.)

Yes, eventhough I'm not saying it, I fully expect an email or chat message Monday... and the Secret Love in Me will hold out until Friday... 

I want to ignore it for a week? Maybe 3 months? How do I get my power back? 

In one of my creeping sessions, I see her little Boy Blue scheduled a meeting to talk about the transition and communication of another one of her employees - this confirms that they were definitely talking about me.  And of course no one came to my defense. 

How easily forgiven the others have been. 

More and more leaving was the right decision but I just hate how I got here. Honestly what was the plan, if I had stayed - just being jerked around and overworked? I just want some answers. 

You done spreading my name through the mud?

Is it more empowering to seek answers or try to forget this ever happened? Would I ever get the answers I seek - unlikely.