So last night in my late night ruminations, I started to think about what I would say if my old boss ever contacted me. Remember the part in Sex and The City where Charlotte has the perfect response she would tell Big if she ever ran into him, yeah that. I arose from my bed to log it into my computer so I could have it ready at any time between now and eternity!
In other news, you know how I usually don't read old blog posts because they're too sad and scary. Well I put on my steel pants and suffered through it. I wanted to remember what it was like when I first started. And, oh my gosh! Very early on I started to see cracks in the veneer. I think by Week 6, I was looking for an out and essentially what I originally started to believe just never got better. The circuitous conversation, the needless and inefficient groupwork, the low standards, the participation trophies, and the GASLIGHTING. And my response was always to adapt. Try to see their point of view. Fall in line. I was always compromising myself, my values, my standards, and my expectations. I was disempowered from the beginning but it was done so masterfully. This is typical gaslighting. This is BINGO (and old teaching principle where basically whatever you start telling a kid he is, he'll eventually start believing it). I come in seeing the light but everyone convinced me it was darkness and after awhile to stop feeling crazy, I just went along with it.
I am so grateful to God that there was just a small window of light that kept me above water. That woman really tried to break me down. And honestly she succeeded for the most part. I understand the desperation. (It makes the need for FIRE even greater.) With nowhere else to go, you feel stuck and you accept your lot in life. The high salary certainly didn't hurt.
Honestly, it's all so confusing, but it's not all bad. Was it? I think what disappointed me was my Ex Roommate helping me to believe that I deserved to be treated like this. More on that later.
In other news, I did some more expunging. I read a men's magazine article that one of the tools to get over an ex, is to block them. It's okay to quit cold turkey (I wasn't sure about that one). So, I went through and deleted more artifacts from the past year, including the painstaking task of deleting all the Old Meeting chats in Teams.
This new light means I'll probably spend even more time reflecting on the past year than I anticipated or would want. But it'll be good to shed layer by layer. I've been trying to take at least 3 months off from external views but I keep backsliding.
Dang can you believe there's only 4 months left in this year! How do I get rid of this bad juju??
Anyway, in the event Old Boss contacts me (yes, wishful thinking with some armor of protection), here's my response:
Hey! Great to hear from you!! Thanks again to you and Team for such an amazing sendoff. It was so unexpected, and I promise to never forget it 😊. Everyone on your team reached out and sent these amazing, really thoughtful messages and emails of congratulations and well wishes and highlights from the last year – like paragraphs of really nice stuff of what a value-add I was. Much like our last call, it was so heart-warming, and I felt so loved and appreciated. A couple even checked up on me after I started the new gig. You and your team are truly amazing, and I definitely miss you all and wish I had never left!!!
It's literally all lies. But it's perfect because - I can point out the things they didn't do without being salty. I can highlight all the lies I was fed for a year. I can try to gaslight them. Honestly, it would probably not have the effect I want, but at least I will have felt like I did something. It's both silent and confrontational.
I've been trying to think what lessons learned I can take to New Job, and I don't know that I want to take a compromised value set. I do know that I'm not working to burnout, but the jury is still out. In reading the old posts, I remembered that I did want to take the next 2 years including this year as like an Early Retirement trial run so maybe with this lighter workload, I can make an attempt.
The Comparison Game
Weird Frenemy was trying to passive aggressively tell me she didn't want to give me advice because I not so kindly pointed out that my aunt gave me good advice and perspective on the Boss situation (and Frenemy didn't). This time I didn't hold back. It felt both good and bad because honestly Frenemy is great at leaving jabs under the guise of "I was just being honest." See why I struggle with the humans. (It's a continuous struggle to find contentment in my isolation these days.)
But this morning, I was thinking about it and it basically boils down to this. I expect more from her as a fellow marginalized individual. She basically feeds into the white lies and repeats them back to me. I need someone who can point out the white lies and help uplift me not keep me down.
Here's an example.
Her idea of "good advice:" You deserved that Basic Bonus because you didn't keep your head down. You deserved that Basic Bonus because that's what's in the budget (#whitelies); that's what White Man Boss explained. You deserved that Basic Bonus because I got a Basic Bonus my first year so you shouldn't expect anything more.
To me, it's like - I'm always going to expect more and want more and think I deserve more. These are the subtle things I didn't realize My Darling Aunty provided me. I've always had a prideful heart and thought I deserved more out of life.
Where my Alive Aunty said these things recently that helped really offer perspective: Your boss didn't value you and didn't think you earned that bonus that's why you didn't get it. She wasn't going to give you that promotion (no matter how you asked or presented it) because she didn't think you were ready for it. She doesn't value your input or think your impact is worthy. (What I've been saying and thinking all along.) Basically, you made the right move to leave. Why would you want to be on a team like that. Don't reach out to her again. You're smarter than this. It's probably COVID that got you all turned around. She gave you the cold shoulder because she lost control of the situation.
Where my Frenemy is always just like, well what'd you expect. I don't think when people are feeling down, you're supposed to keep them down. Or blame the "victim." So I'm disappointed in her for that because I've expressed before how upset it made me when people do that to people I've lost lately. So yeah, that's what I mean.
I mean I know our "relationship" is mostly superficial. It's mostly just to get into things, but because I have no one else, I do blur the lines.
Oh P.S. - I was able to creep one more admin task that I usually managed for the team. And as suspected, at Week 2, My Buddy already dropped the ball. #petty4life
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