Sunday Night Confessions

 There are some things I've been afraid to admit or say aloud lest I feel overcommitted to what might amount to be a transient thought.

After reading through last year's blog posts and realizing I'd immortalized transient thoughts that I'd since forgotten, I know this will ultimately do more harm than good. But I'm still needing to get this out of mind. Better here than with human Secret Keepers.

Old Job /Old Boss

As much as I hate to admit it, I still check Old Boss's Calendar. I just did about 10 minutes ago, and I was angered by the fact that Old Buddy still has yet to work a full week/ month and Old Boss says nothing. I mean does she even track this girl's PTO. I was hoping that my absence would highlight just how little this girl does but that does not appear to be the case. When someone has a blind spot, is there anything you can really do to change their mind. Unfortunately it just reinforces how little I meant to her and how my contributions although taxing for me where truly not appreciated.  It's sad to know when I read posts on Ask a Manager that people truly can be swayed by the words of a Snake. So then it makes me wonder if I really should've said something more straightforward. I do know Old Boss does tend to be affected by feedback, but not when it comes to My Buddy. But then I think back to Call Center #1 and my coworkers mentioned I was working from home a lot and my Manager told me about it and made me come back in eventhough I was working the shift none of them wanted. So I don't know now. 

Did I tell you after  2 weeks of angst + 1 week of calm, Old Boss finally messaged me to ask how the new gig was going. I immediately closed the chat. I was in a much better place so The Perfect Comeback felt a little harsh.

Ever since then, I've been crafting different responses. Do I just act like nothing happened? Do I continue to say nothing? Do I just provide a short polite message? 

I'm 100% confident I won't be asked back and the more I creep her calendar the more I don't want to go back. So is this my time for a Jet Blue exit? A modified Jet Blue exit? What good would it do? 

I think knowing the life I'm living now isn't My Destiny lets me know that it doesn't matter in the end and this is kind of what prevents me from taking any action. There isn't going to be a perfect response that leads to a perfect outcome. But boy do I wish there were! 

I know people listen to negative feedback. It always plants a seed even if no action is taken. 

Maybe my response should be... I love not doing My Buddy's work! 

Honestly, it's like - we're not friends and we are mismatched on my value to you. So there's a personal and professional mismatch so what do I hope to gain? 

And just like that I'm remembering all the times I felt disempowered by my employer. Hmm. 

But then I remember, this was not my destiny so it makes sense that it doesn't make sense. Spending anymore time trying to make it right in my mind is a fool's errand. 

I guess that's my answer - spending anymore time trying to craft the perfect response or hoping for a perfect outcome is a fool's errand. Nothing I try will make sense or give me the outcome I desire. 

So yeah my confession is, I've been trying to act like I'm completely healed and have moved on... that my new found clarity has been the panacea I was looking for. But the reality is that it's a day to day challenge to recover from all the past hurts and confusion. 

Other Confessions

Other things I haven't been forthcoming with, I'm ready to be done with work. I can't tell if New Job is going to be the cushy gig I imagine or a ton of work! So to avoid working myself up in an anxious tizzy,  I'm mostly just trying to countdown the days to FIRE. 

On more logistical fronts, I'm trying to figure out that High Yield Savings Account I just signed up for. It takes up a spot on my payroll direct deposit roster and I don't like that. It's causing me stress. I only need it if I make it to next Year. But will I?

Also a part of me really wants to publicly (on the internet, not in person), start counting down to FIRE but I'm so terrified of counting my chickens before they hatch.  I'm just so desperate... gosh, why am I always so desperate... nevertheless, I'm so desperate to do anything I can just to make it ONE MORE DAY. 

I don't want to admit it but there are more and more moments where I want to just completely check out of work and my life. If I haven't already.

I bought two kinds of chocolates today. Part of me knows some of these silly spendy trips on junk food are a coping mechanism for something greater. 

COVID is confusing.

I hate that I'm still emotionally relying on people I don't like that much. It's just bottom of the barrel at this point. But then I remember these people and the current state of our relationship were not a part of The Plan, this was not My Destiny. This is why it's a confusing, frustrating, defeating relationship. 

So there you have it - I'm a tangled mess inside on all fronts - work and personal life and a little bit of money life.