Sunday 3p Check-In, It was never about the money

 I mean it was about the money a little. But as I've said before if you had just given me a $1 of your own money and told me I was your best  employee, I would've stayed.

How did I get here?

I think once I felt the personal relationship start to fade, I got nervous and anxious. I just wanted to churn more to get your attention. Will you love me now? How about now? 

When I saw your interaction with her on video, I knew my place would always be on the outside.

But just like the sidelined before me when you start to feel the thing you want the most slipping farther from reach, you panic and sometimes you drown trying to save it. 

But I didn't drown. 

The money was just an attempt for you to give me the assurance I so craved. Money is measurable and can't be refuted. When that failed, I focused my attention on that. 

If you paid me more, that meant you loved me more. When you didn't, it meant you didn't love me at all. A basic bonus meant all my fears were confirmed. You didn't love me as much as I loved you. I was just an employee, just another basic bee. But maybe if I worked just a little bit harder... maybe I need to show you exactly all the effort I put into this job... FOR YOU. Maybe just... only if.. 

After about 2 hours of deliberation, I decided to go to Subway.  Upon putting the car in park, I burst into tears and they were unstoppable. My biggest fan was dead and the last runner up has rejected me wholly and completely. 

A year ago when I moved in, I ate Subway and realized I didn't like it very much. Not enough to pay for it, anyway. When I saw the $6 price tag for a sandwich I didn't really want, I just sat around. Then I looked at Jimmy John's. Pizza was the best bargain but I can't eat pizza all week because I'll fall asleep on the job since it's a light week with a lot of self-study. 

So $6 later, I'm overstuffed. I'm overstuffed because 3 inches was enough to reach satiety (easy when the food doesn't taste good) but because the worker put so much mayo on the sandwich I knew it would be a mushy mess in a few minutes let alone a few hours. Nevertheless, I finished off the rest of my Oreos. So, yep 1 package of Oreos inhaled in about 24 hours. That has to be some sort of record.