l feel powerful

 I had the best conversation yesterday with my Life Coach Auntie. Haha. She's training to be a life coach so she's been getting better about having these types of conversations.

I broke down.  I challenged myself to go 30 days without talking about Old Job to 2 of my secret keepers and she was one of them.

After learning the new information from Old Coworker, I was going to explode with all the new rumination. I'd been having conversations out loud with myself all day and it wasn't enough.

I just wanted to be petty! 

Anyway, to hear her vocalize what I'd been saying for the last year or so was so affirming! Yep, that weak bonus score made me feel that I was not valued by my employer. It made me feel undervalued. My Ex Roommate was trying to convince me that's the way things are...blah, blah, but I still felt in my gut that it could have and should have been better.

I don't know if it's the way My Boss was trying to sell it to me, but I just wasn't buying it. Talking it over with my aunt having this whole year of evidence behind me just helped to solidify what I originally thought. Because some of the comments My Boss made in that conversation belied some of her true thoughts. At the time, I didn't know how or that I could respectfully disagree. 

Then the salary and roles conversations already left a sour taste in my mouth. But again, my aunt confirmed what I already strongly felt. If she thought I was worth it, she would have given me the raise. I remember thinking during the conversation the things she was saying weren't adding up - how are you spewing these lies and expecting me to believe them. Like, are we both assuming I'm stupid or you? How can you both not know the cap for the role and also tell me I'm not going to get there? 

Yep, in talks with others I was also lulled into believing the corporate jargon of similar versions of it's not in the budget. Whatevs! 

Now I'm thinking like a) all the money I save this company.  b) All the money this company wastes. And that ENTIRELY NEW ROLE that was created for Best Boy Friend. Yeah, okay. 

Although my gut immediately revolted to the conversation, I wanted so badly to believe her that I let myself be pacified by her words and others. Grumble.

And honestly here I was second guessing my decision these last couple of weeks. Should I have stayed 6 months. I am 100% confident that My Buddy is going to get an undeserved promotion and I was thinking I would be attached to that, but now I'm like wait, it's just as likely that Buddy would get the promotion to Associate Director and I'd still be  a Manager and that would really require some things to be blown up. 

Wow. I mean I'm really grateful that there was an escape hatch, but I'm amazed I was so hesitant.

And as for the Cold Shoulder, my aunt helped me see that it really was about her lack of control over the situation. It was what I suspected but didn't want to believe. It's so illogical that I still can't believe it.  I just wonder like.. what would you have wanted the start date to be or was it just you wanted to be a part of the conversation so badly that even if the start date didn't change, that would've been enough. Well, it would've been enough for you to give me a dollar out of your pocket and tell me I was the best employee (I mean you lie about everything else related to performance). 

I hate to brag, but did I actually get good at this game. Well, definitely better than the doe-eyed dummy I have been in the past (reading FIRE blogs definitely helped).  I'm just really happy that I had some really good instincts. And although I was a bit mad after the unfortunate turn of events that I didn't do a Jet Blue exit, I'm glad I took the high road in the end. 

They can keep their insults and saltiness to themselves. May we never meet again. 

Now of course I have to swing all the way to the other side. From Wounded Doe to Ferocious Lion. The true place is somewhere in the middle and I'll get there. 

Gosh, what a difference a day makes! 

Also, I got confirmation yesterday that someone I'd suspected found my blog. #trustygut