My Freedom Song!

 For the last 4 or 5 years, I've felt stuck. It's one of the reasons that led me to therapy the first time. Today, I feel untethered. I feel free. Free from... free to... I just feel untethered to anything. Any obligation, expectation, result, outcomes.

The scripture that spoke to me said my road is leading to death. That's the message that spoke to me. It's so clear. It's aligned. It makes sense. I don't have to be encumbered by so much decision making for Every. Single. Thing. Work decisions. Small decisions. How do I say this? Do I say that? Did I make this person mad? Do I do this small thing or that big thing? How do I cope? Will I ever get over this?

The song that came to me moments ago was "Let it Go" from Frozen.

I've never seen the movie, but I've heard the song. I think I heard it for the first time during an awards show I was watching with my aunt actually.

I thought I'd print out the lyrics and highlight the parts that are really speaking truth to my life right now. 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation

And it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried {Facts!}

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know {All the tears, all the frustration, all the concealing of self for the good of the group}

Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door

I don't care what they're going to say

Let the storm rage on  {This is all the world around me; all the old turmoil that came with whatever social anxiety and life anxiety and success fallacy I was belaboring under}

The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small {More recently, the last full year of angst up to an including my departure. }

And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all {See above. You've seen first hand the tears I cried for 2 full years. It started even earlier than that. I think I cried at least once on every rotation during clinical rotations my last year of professional school...that was 2014-2015}

It's time to see what I can do {"Looking forward " to see what this road to death looks like.}

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I'm free {See above}

Let it go, let it go {Feeling completely untethered to ...anything}

I am one with the wind and sky {Just more feelings of freedom and  freed from bondage of all that has been keeping me under siege for the last 20 years}

Let it go, let it go {No use looking back now. My destiny is so far left, so far from where I stand now}

You'll never see me cry {At least not the way I used to...like I just had so much pain inside... and so much anticipation of the pain to come}

Here I stand and here I stay {I'm here.}

Let the storm rage on {The world around me that I just... I just couldn't... well.. *didn't* get right...}

My power flurries through the air into the ground

My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around {where I used to be}

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast

I'm never going back, the past is in the past {Preach! Facts!}

Let it go, let it go

When I'll rise like the break of dawn {Not better, just resolved.}

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone {She died a long time ago but I so wanted to hold onto her.}

Here I stand in the light of day {It's like Sisyphus and The Myth of the Cave; the darkness was so all encompassing, it sucked the light out of everything; I couldn't see clearly... for TWENTY YEARS}

Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway