Aug 2021 Check-In and New Job

 I'm feeling a little distracted while also in need of a distraction. So here we are. This isn't going to be a well thought out post. It almost feels like a chore.

Sundays are hard. Have been for a while even before recent events. 

Maybe we'll just do bullet points to get through this.

 

Work/ The New Job

So I've been talking about New Job for awhile but haven't given you the full skinny. I'm not sure what I've mentioned or what approach to take - just factual or all the things. 

I started a new job effective Aug 1, 2021 at the same company as a Widget Writer. 

How did I get this job? On the advice of a friend of a work colleague, I've reached out to a few hiring managers for jobs I was interested in. I'm not actually sure what started this. But if I remember correctly, this same work colleague had forwarded me this job description because she thought I'd be interested. I didn't think I was qualified so I didn't immediately follow up on it. 

Something must have happened at work. In this moment my brain is remembering that at Call Center #1 when something went wrong, I would increase my 401k contribution. In Call Center #3 (last job), when something went wrong, I would apply to jobs. Or at least look. 

In the end I think I met with about 3 or 4 hiring managers near the beginning of the year. 

Anyway, just to stay on track we'll just focus on New Job. 

Well, maybe just go through the others briefly.

Job 1 was more of a Project Manager job. I spoke with someone currently in the position and I didn't get the impression it had quite the structure I was looking for. But I wasn't going to discount it. What I liked about it was the project manager aspect and I would hope for more behind-the-scenes work. 

Job 2  was a Widget Manager. Think back at the 2 years I spent trying to get a job like this. I actually got so far as a Writing Exercise and created a presentation. I got the feeling I'd be seen as the underdog and I just wasn't ready for that.  Again, I wasn't going to discount it. I postponed the interview.

Job 3 was a Widget Writer. I had no direct experience but my skills were transferable - vendor management, writing, familiarity with the clinical content. The hiring manager initially said they didn't really hire people without experience or with my background. So I felt pretty confident that was going nowhere, but Old Me was still leaving no stone unturned so I left the door open.  The main selling point about this job was that it was remote work.  Somewhere between that dumb conversation with Old Manager about not increasing my salary and the Return to Work email from Corporate, I reached out again to inquire about where they were in the hiring process. 

Incidentally, the hiring manager indicated they'd like to interview me. And so I completed another writing exercise. And since I had the presentation from Job 2, I used that.  I wasn't super excited to jump through the hoops and I almost backed out of this interview again. But I think the downside of getting rejected was knowing I had to stay at Call Center #3. I didn't want any doubt that I had options. 

So I interviewed and presented. Luckily, it was all virtual so I could rehearse and read my answers.

I followed up with the recruiter twice because I started to get anxious. 

I was offered the role.

Salary offer was $130k with same bonus structure.

At the time I made $122k. I was actually not sure if they were going to bump up my salary. I couldn't find good data on the internet of what to expect.  A lot of it was saying lower numbers, so I didn't want to believe that. I knew the position was in the same band as my current role and the last girl that left was offered the same as she was making. So I thought I would probably be offered what I already made. Suffice to say, I was happy with the bump. I thought for a second about negotiating but since it was clear to both me and the manager that I had no direct experience, I went ahead and accepted the offer. 

I will say there was an emotional component to negotiating that people like me have to contend with. If they'd said no, I would've felt pretty sour about it. I mean this is kind of what got me here. People cavalierly say just ask, all they can say is No. Yes, but what about the aftermath. You think you're worth Y and your employer is saying you're worth X. That doesn't feel good. We're in the age of know your worth, #worththerisk. So when something challenges that, that's adversity you have to reconcile. 

So to not go into it thinking I wasn't desired was a big factor as well. 

So yep, I started at this company in June 2020 at $120k. Got the annual increase in March 2021 to $122k. And got a bump Aug 2021 for $130k. That's pretty good by FIRE blogger standards! That's 10k in about a year. I stayed at Call Center #1 for 4 years and I think I only went up $3 or $4/hr in those 4 years. 

Now, there's the actual realization of WTH did I just do. I am essentially changing careers. I don't know that I fully appreciated that because I've always been pretty agile. I was mostly focused on the dollar bills (well not true since I would've taken the job at my current salary); and just changing my current work situation. 

But a month in, I'm still figuring it out. I don't want to cement or publish any opinion because that tends to make me feel like I have to live up to that.

So yeah, that's the money side of the job.

Money Matters

I'm both really close to my FIRE number and far away. I don't know. I'm too afraid to count my chickens to get that excited about FIRE. So I'm mostly trying to ignore it. 

I've applied for 3 Bank Bonuses and there is another one I'm eyeing but for whatever reason I just feel meh about it. 

I feel so meh about so many things that I don't even know what to feel or what my approach is to different aspects of my life. I technically have enough for a 5% withdrawal which financially is fine if I don't plan on living till 80 (which I don't).  I think mostly I'm just reconciling what the rest of my life looks like and how does the money play into it. 

I think what has been a slow shift since I left Call Center #1 is that I'm just working to make money to reach my FIRE goal. Each day just makes that more of a realization. But there is so much to unpack there. 

So if work is just to pad my accounts, than what actually is my life about?

Life Matters

I stopped charging the mobile device that I barely used because during COVID I had been trying to re-establish contact with about 3 or 4 people. It's been irregular and at times unsatisfying.  So then after a bad day in August, I just decided to stop that. With the full realization that I lost my destiny, I'm still trying to figure out what my guidelines and guard rails are. How do you design your life when you have nothing to live for? How do you design your life when you missed your destiny? 

That's really where I am. I might project that onto work, onto my finances, onto my human interactions. But ultimately, that's the question I don't have an answer for yet. 

I've been trying to self-soothe but I back slid and called my aunt a couple hours ago. I also answered a phone call from a work colleague after 5p Friday.  

I've been on Bumble for a week or so now and it's the most unsatisfying thing.

Just to have something to focus on, my goal is just to make it to the next day. The next goal is just to make it to the end of this year because usually Fall is a time where I can power through. 

I hate to blame COVID but I hate that I can't even escape. If I could just put physical distance between myself and work and this house.

House Matters

Being a homeowner is kind of annoying. There's the seasonal bugs. Now my linoleum is cracking in multiple places. There was this foul sewer smell. There's still the leak that I'm not convinced is fixed.

I hate washing dishes. I still have to get furniture and a washer/dryer. There is a small part of me that hates where I live and wants to live elsewhere, but I know that wouldn't solve anything except decrease my pocketbook.

I'm so freaking tired of starting over. 

There is some lightness with being untangled from all my decisions and future choices having to mean something. There is some lightness with the realization that I royally messed up my life beyond repair. There's some lightness with not being responsible to anyone or anything. 

Maybe the next 4 months will just have to be full of introspection, reflection, probably a lot of mourning. A lot of grace. There will probably be more slipups as I deal with my new reality. Some times I am just hateful and I hate how we can't say the things to people that we don't like. I hate we can't tell people when and how they've hurt us. I don't think this is right. Who started this trend? 

We're all so concerned with not burning bridges externally even if internally that bridge is demolished beyond repair. Why are we forced to live in this alternate reality?