What is making me cry today?

 The last week or so, I find myself lightly crying for different things. Sometimes it's the grief. When I hear a sweet maternal story. 

When I'm frustrated. When I'm sad. When I'm overwhelmed.

Tears are falling now and it's a combination of feelings. 

I think in this particular moment, it's knowing all the blood, sweat, and tears I've put into the last 5 weeks won't matter. I know in a few more tomorrows it'll be as though it didn't even happen.

What triggered this?

My boss asking me if I was out and about today? I'm like what?! You think that's it. I just deliver the training and it's a free day. That just rang loudly for me because I already suspected she thought the effort for this training was just plucking the slides from the shared folder and reviewing them live. W-O-W.

I remember crying and feeling that vomitous sinking feeling two weekends ago when I thought I wouldn't finish but I literally could not come up with another practice scenario or new thought. And I just had to keep trying. I would rest every few minutes because I couldn't focus and that would just make the sinking feeling even worse. 

I'm sure I'll get a BIG THANK YOU, and then it's just on to the next thing. 

I don't want to say it's bonus day all over again, but it kind of is. 

Now that the old dinosaur is back on our team I need to be better about just flying under the radar.

I had a couple of small wins my first year here. I mean they were big wins to me but it's just so easily minimized because there's always the next big thing. 

I wish I had kept my professional standard in emails because now I'm hearing gossip about another director's emails. Mine aren't casual, but I've definitely let a few go out with typos and didn't double check.

I already knew when I do what others do I get different outcomes. 

I don't know why I keep trying. You can clearly get away with doing less in this job, but somehow I don't (do less). 

I think having tried to casually reach out to Call Center #1 and #2 and no one was really trying to snap me back hurts a little. And then my latest run in with MI. I had a timed writing test and I literally could only form 4 sentences. So that's out. I am proud of myself for not filling out the application. It'll be easier to re-write history later. Of course part of me is still holding out hope that they'll reach out. But that just prolongs the rejection.

Everytime I hear my boss say "[my buddy] and I"... meaning her and her and right hand girl, I just get so mad. Honestly what is her contribution? 

Then I shared some slides with a co-worker. Asked him not to distribute and he shared with my boss and his old boss and I got some unwarranted feedback. That made me feel bad. 

I'm just ready to do something else. 

It's hard to look forward to FIRE because everyone is saying the market is due for a crash soon. Literally all my eggs are in that basket.  Basically this is the year though. I gave this one to corona.

I'm living on a fraction of my salary. And I hope to reach my financial goals, but I think to help ease the pain of what the future stock market might bring, I'll ease up the miserly savings in 2022. To something pre-COVID levels. I'll actually have to buy stuff anyway, but I really wanted to take advantage of COVID. So there's that.

I am glad I kept my cushion eventhough "all the things" advise against keeping that much cash. But a) that was never going to be my life. I don't have a lot of other resources to fall back on at this point. And work always feels like my last day. 

Anyway, moan, moan, groan, groan. 

I think  just need to hang on and see this year through and whatever happens happens on the job front.

I heard a story once about the soldiers who essentially died from heartbreak because they kept praying for the war to be over by Thanskgiving, then Christmas, then..the next thing. That's me - I keep thinking this next job or job opportunity will take me out of my misery. 

If I just keep churning, eventually I'll find my way out of this job. And then I get disappointed because I can taste the freedom. And then after the MI debacle of yesterday, I realize I'm still stuck. 

And that makes me sad. 

I tried to leave. I tried to speak up. I tried to stay silent.

Of the three, I can try harder with staying silent. Trying to leave hurt. Speaking up just hurts and it's a lot of pain with minimal gain and lot of hurt.

Staying silent is the best of the three. Just got to hold it in until the next day. 

Someone has already taken the glory. Literally, I did all this work and My Buddy is still the right hand man.

Why do I need this woman to prize me so badly? I don't think that's the right word - but what'd I tell you - I can't make any more thoughts.