My VERY Big Thank You

Now that the busy part of the training is over - i.e. no more 18 hour days x 5 weeks - I literally don't know what to do with myself.

I had a whole Sunday to myself.

Obviously I spent an hour or two making a checklist of work items. And it was only after 9a. Then I took a shower (first one this year!). Then I went to get my hair washed. Woot!

It was barely 12 o'clock after these big feats, so I made a pit stop at a Thai place I saw on the way to the beauty salon. 

In 90 minutes, I spent a little over $80. And I didn't even blink. 

I think lately, I've been having this fear of churning all this time for money that the stock market is going to crash and I never got a chance to really spend my money.

My last 5 weeks of headdown-edness, I was pretty free with spending on convenience foods. I didn't really want the Thai food as I also want to get my freezer cleaned out for my next round of stock up, but here we are. 

I realized what happens when I have too much free time. I start yearning for human connection. 

I sent out a few group emails wishing people a Happy Mother's Day. Including one current co-worker and my boss. 

Too many feels. 

I baked some rolls. I keep forgetting how to bake them. I have to remember with yeast rolls to bake them hard. I don't like when they can squish back into dough. It's so hard to digest!

I should just stick to 30 minutes. 

The little moths are still here. I've killed dozens and the rest just die on their own. I can't figure out how they are getting in. 

I can't believe I finished the training. It's so funny because when it was happening I had such big feelings about my boss and this job. Now that the hard part is over, I don't feel as convicted. Feelings are so tricky that way. 

I just need a trajectory with this job. It can't just be making it to FIRE. Or can it? For my own mental stability, I need some focus and structure. Every new task or project or interaction, I have to make a decision on how to approach it. That's a lot of mental acrobatics and that's just approaching the task. 

I was less disappointed after the HUGE task of delivering this training because this time I knew to expect nothing more than a BIG thank you. Ha. 

I didn't feel like doing any personal finance tasks today. 

What's my plan here?  Just keep rolling with it until FIRE? Just keep my head down? Give the 120%? Give my all?

Do I have any goals? 

I did finally decide to let go and let my manager lead her team as she see fits. I found myself wanting to out my teammates but I realized a) that's not my job and b) I was assuming my manager couldn't discover this for herself. If she is as wonderful, and smart, and admirable and astute as I make her out to be in my head then I wasn't giving her enough credit.  If our team truly is underperforming, then she would see that for herself. 

Which means as I feared that I'm not really overperforming. I'm putting in a lot of effort and hours and it's not that impactful. I'm actually churning for my own benefit. That is just becoming clearer and clearer everyday. 

My manager knows her team best. The things I do that require a lot of effort are just the wrong things. They are things that earn Thank Yous not income, promotions, or raises. 

So it takes me back to - what is my end goal here?

If I'm just a cog in the wheel, then why am I churning so hard?  Honestly I think it's because I have nothing else to do. Also, I like being better than other people. There's just a really competitive part of me that gets stirred up sometimes.

I find someone or something as a target and I try to surpass it. Where there is misalignment is that what matters to me is not what actually matters to a large corporation like my company.

Fast turnaround time, doing things well, making improvements. Those things haven't generated any income for our team. 

Even the knowledge articles I've been diligently working my way through, my manager pretty much was like... they've been in a bad way for awhile, so what difference does it make. 

What my teammates do better is not responding to every command. Maybe they've already paid their dues. It's like when I was a waitress.  The old staff gave me a table that didn't tip. They warned me, but I was determined to make a difference. Nope, no tip. 

I guess I just don't know yet what the no tip table is. I'm just on this hamster wheel hoping one of my 100 units of effort hits a target. That is ineffective.