Is this another setup?

 I don't know if I blogged about the last setup. My manager "We" 'd me into being the point person for our last audit. We had this whole meeting with me, her and her #2 (aka "My Buddy") where we were going down the audit checklist and it was essentially a dialogue between the two of them. They pretended they couldn't find the attachment on the invite. 

Then when #2 finally pulled it, #2 was going down the checklist and my manager was answering the question...as though she was going to be the point person. Literally saying things like "Oh, okay, yes, then I can say this... I feel good about that... or I can reference that document... #2, send that to me so I have it ready."

I kid you not, I was just an audience member to their dialogue. I was fine with it because I still don't feel like I know the true way this program operates. And My Buddy has been glorified for getting my manager through an audit last year and "they took over the call center." 

I really am still fuzzy on what part of the onboarding my buddy was a part of because a few people went on site, so maybe some went to the North site and others went to the South site? And the vendor seems really comfortable with #2. 

I don't know anyway. The point was at the end of the meeting, my manager maneuvered the conversation into her being too busy to be the point person and My Buddy being out of office for some of the days of the audit. So naturally, that left me. 

These trainings and the accompanying decks has been the cluster of all clusters. So our company loves "workstreams." So my buddy is part of this training workstream and has been attending these meetings - I will say for the meetings I've attended with her, especially my first six months - I just took her lead... saying nothing and contributing little. I thought that was the way to do it. And it might be, but you know I listen slow.

Anyway, get to the point, MERJ!

So there has been a lot of angst about this training. My manager has been saying, per the contract "we" have to provide the vendor the training. But of course delegating is not her go-to. She inserts herself and may or may not see it to completion. So then everyone is sort of left unclear on what her role will be in the future. 

Anyway 1,000 RACI charts later, (note, I stopped filling them out and paying attention after the first 3), my manager, another director and and an AD and his minion were sort of leading the creation of the training decks. Then that stopped and I lost track of who was exactly supposed to be doing it. Honestly, I knew it was going to be a mess, I just was unclear whose responsibility it was to clean it up.

Mine!

My manager's #2 was communicating with the vendor I thought. She procured some names and I thought she was getting agreement on the schedule but she's been having some sort of communication that I'm certainly not a part of. So, so far, she gave them the schedule, but this is after my manager stepped in and presented the schedule to them. So then the schedule was decided, #2 sent it to the workstream lead who reformatted it (ugh, that was just annoying). 

In between this - my manager sent out an email that "we" were to put our names next to the trainings we wanted to do. Due by Friday. No one did it but me. Then she sent out another email to put your initials next to the trainings by Wed. Still no one did it but me. 

Mind you by now, the training has gotten pushed back from Week of Apr 6 to week of April 13.  My manager for some reason agreed to this because the training workstream lead had a "miscommunication." 

I find that difficult to believe also. 

#2 is off Week of Apr 6. So that was confusing, I thought she would want to get out of training. 

Anyway, when I added back just an overview of the training schedule (the one the workstream lead had changed), I tagged my manager in a comment that I'd added the overview back and put her name next to where it was on Training Schedule 1.

About an hour or so ago, she commented that she'll have to check her calendar because she'd only signed up for that week because #2 was out of the office.

What does that even mean?

So was she (my manager) not supposed to help with the training at all? My brain just told me this was a setup. #2 is gone this week so she's not signing up for anything and the training is supposed to start next week.

I'm tired of guessing. I don't want to get into the habit of picking up everyone's slack because my programs were cancelled.

I think for me it's the last minute-ness of it. Or really the feeling of it being an afterthought when I suspect it was their plan all along. Or at least somewhere along the way. 

If you knew you wanted me to do the training all along, why all the pretense and why didn't you just say so? 

When I look back, so much of it makes sense. I did the first walkthrough with the vendor. She would try to "include" me in her confusing walkthroughs. None of my other teammates were really responding to her pleas for help. Because to me it felt like they already knew that this was going to get dumped on me.

And now there's no plausible deniability if I'm solely responsible for this. 

I feel 0% confident in my ability to do this to the standard I would like. And I don't want this mediocre product to be any part of my legacy.

That's what gets me. I'm not held to the same standard as they are. The client seems to adore them and I don't get the same vibe from them when I run meetings. 

There's so much talk and so much conversation, I don't know what the decisions are.

I think this is the last stop for me. I just don't know what my next move is.

Right now: I've asked God for a lifeline out of the chaos. This has got to be the last thing that frustrates me - so if I stay, I really need to commit to mediocrity or I'm going to go crazy. Then I start to think about Knowledge and that dumb white man's comment about "we" updating the 120 articles...when apparently we just means me. It's not fair because I actually care.

I wish you could've seen the article he wrote compared to what I wrote. And no one cares about his mediocrity. Honestly. I know we're getting paid the same, I can just feel it in my bones. 

So here was my emotional reaction:

I'm going to offer to deliver the 6 weeks of training, you know "if it's easier for everyone." For me it's a test and a bait. If they go along with it and don't split it up equally, I'll know where I stand once and for all.

I feel stupid and desperate for being so easily seduced by the little bit of attention she pays to me. I was in such a deep dark low place that just any little kindness made me feel needlessly loyal to this woman. I really thought she was God-sent. 

God's gifts shouldn't hurt this much. I feel seduced by Satan. 

I certainly wasn't any happier at Call Center #1 or Call Center #2 but at least at Call Center #1, ...well I was going to say things were fair... but they weren't fair there either - lest we forget Bubbles. And Call Center #2 - they tried to offer a better position to a white woman with no experience. 

I guess what was better at call center #1 and Call center #2 was that I was paid for my time, the workload was easy and expected, and at Call Center #1 nothing was sprung on me. It was very much a transactional job. I clock in, answer calls, and clock out. I literally never had to think about that place until I clocked back in the next day. 

I think what has made me especially anxious is saving all this money and getting really close to my FIRE goal only for the market to go into some sort of depression and I have to work 10 more years to get my money back. It just feels inevitable. I'm out of resolve, you hear me!

I'm feeling a lot of feelings. 

Yesterday, I worked about 10 to 12 hours on those articles. And for what. I just feel like either the final product will belie the actual work put into it because it's still not what I would like it to be or someone will swoop in to save the day. The impact of my effort just seems so minimal. Like it just feels like all that work was for nothing, but why can't I stop working on it?!  I already know there's no trophy and no monetary reward. 

What's my end goal, I can't oust My Buddy. And if she did leave, I don't want her job. I definitely don't want her direct repots. Ick.