No news was just no news

 So I was feeling a little empowered when I got an interview offer 1 day after applying. After being rejected, well, you know where I am.

Maybe that's where my sour mood started.

That and this monstrous task my boss tasked me with. I hit a wall this weekend where I just felt sick to my stomach and completely unmotivated to do this job let alone this task. 

Yet somehow, I can't seem to will myself to apply elsewhere. The MI team said I would be the type of candidate they would want to apply, not the same to me as the type of candidate they would hire.

I just don't feel overwhelmingly positive that they will hire me. What I haven't told anyone I work with is I've already applied for an MI job with my company 4 times prior to joining. Obviously, they didn't choose me.

And as I was scripting yet a 3rd 200-slide deck, that same vomitous feeling that I get when writing research papers returned. And in my mind, that's what working in MI would really be like. But part of me thinks... I doubt it. I secretly think some of those MI roles might be pretty cushy. 

So mostly, I'm not applying because I've already been rejected 4 times and to add that to actually spending my days writing research papers. No thanks. 

My boss used "as we discussed" with me. I find that incredibly passive aggressive. Well, just aggressive. It just has such a negative connotation to me. Like I'm being reprimanded. And then it feels like a co-worker essentially told on me during a conversation we were having. And then my manager, in my mind, reprimanded me about it. But really I'm thinking, if the call center isn't medical information, then what the heck are we doing. 

Then in a conversation yesterday, she commented how another co-worker seems to work like 24 hours a day. And I'm thinking.. and me? Granted she didn't say...unlike you, but I implied it in my mind. 

And this is after the weekend where I was essentially working through tears. Like those darn Knowledge articles, I don't think she appreciates the sheer volume of effort required for me to get the trainings ready. I literally was like I can't come up with any more scenarios or review questions. Like my brain was out of creative juices. 

I put a lot into training Week 1. And the agents complained. And they're still complaining. So I feel like I almost have to present content in anticipation of feedback. And that's stressful. It's like teaching to the test, you know.

My money journey wasn't particularly motivating. 

I just don't know what to do. Do I eat the celery or the minestrone soup. Ugh, both things I despise but in desperate hunger would be really yummy, I'm sure. 

I don't know how to emotionally manage this job. 

Oh did I tell you I asked for a raise.

But as I look around the team outside of my manager's direct reports, a lot of people are putting in a lot of hours.  So that feels like a bust.

I just don't know what level to perform at or what attitude to take with this team. 

I do feel stuck, which isn't great. 

I do want to move on, which isn't great. 

It's just easier to suffer than to want something more. 

But yes to be reminded that you're on the outs hurts. 

And just to continue my self-destruction, I was sent a survey to review my manager.... I put some times in the what can they improve on section and sent it to her an hour or so ago.