Finish Strong?

 As always, I'm still trying to carve a path for myself at this job. I have a good idea of what I'm missing, but I don't know if it's achievable. And if it's not, I don't know how to cope so that I can get off this emotional rollercoaster.

It took me 4 years to leave Call Center #1 because it turns out I do know myself really, really well. But I followed the advice of strangers on the internet - I started investing, I started tracking my expenses, and I believed that I could and SHOULD earn more. So I job-hopped. 

At Job #3, I'm royally confused and it's been a year of just being in this inflammatory reactive state. I know my body is going to just crash at some point, but I can't seem to find the way off this ride.

What is true:

- The job I was hired to do is ending at the end of this year

- I need to stay employed, preferably at this level of compensation (or higher) for at least 2 more years to reach my FIRE goal, all other things considered

Starting there, the default is just to stay and manage for the next 2 years. Well first get through this year, 2021. Then get to March 2022 to get the 2021 bonus. Then get through 2022, then stay till March 2023 to get the 2022 bonus.  That's my trajectory right now.

I am fairly confident, if I stay open and flexible, my boss will keep me around for the next 2 years. 

How to manage my relationship with my boss:

Some things I'd like to change - my open adoration and admiration for her; the need to get her in my corner; the need to rise to the top of some imaginary list; feeling that personal closeness; praising her

I want to be better at trusting her process and her leadership. Trusting her priorities. Waiting for her to decide next steps instead of feeling pressured to "best" someone. 

How to manage my relationship with my co-workers:

Some things I'd like to change - somehow I feel like I'm crossing over into tattletale territory; I perceive them as not being high achievers; they don't question anything; and just kind of go with the flow; they don't clean up messes; they go to meetings they don't have any business going to and don't contribute or that takes away from their time doing work; I feel like I'm left doing a lot of cleanup stuff proactively; in my mind I'm the ONLY ONE trying to take our team to the next level when I know that can't be true

Ultimately, I'm going to keep trying to keep my head down.  It hasn't worked for 11 months, but somehow I still have to keep trying. What choice do I have? I'm just running myself ragged. 

I think what's kind of got me in a funk is our monthly check-in tomorrow. Do I bring up the salary email? Part of me wants to so she can say no to my face and that will turn the relationship a little sour and maybe I'll be more inclined to work only 40 hours/week.

But then a day like yesterday happens and I imagine us running the call center together and it's the best darn program ever! And that makes me happy.

But then a day like today happens and I'm confused and feel a little powerless and lost in the shuffle and I want to leave. 

Since the lows are riskier to me than the highs are beneficial, I have to focus on minimizing the lows.  The Call Center takeover is such a long game and I'm not a patient person. So if I use my rational brain, minimizing the lows is the right next move for me and mental health. 

I do want to finish as strong as I can, but I think I did. It's not quite June, but I gave it 11 good months of my all.