More White Lies

 I can't believe I'm almost 40. I typically don't re-read anything I write on this blog. Once it's out of me it stays out. 

I don't remember if it was this blog or a recent life experience, but I remember thinking I know myself. Oh, I think it was when I was reflecting on how I ended up here. I'd stayed at Call Center #1 because when I thought about moving on, it was such a horrible feeling- having to interview, dealing with people. I'd carved out a passable life at the Call Center. 

With my pursuit of FIRE and all my classmates moving on, I started to want more. And eventually I ended up here - regretting my decisions.

Well I cried yesterday and this morning and can't wait to exudate this new pain. 

Basically, I've been trying to find another job within the company. I'm half-in, half-out. I don't want to do this job anymore because of the hours and the ridiculous unexplained expectations. I became very disgruntled very fast in this job. 

Anyway, let's not beat around the bush. I explored another Medical Information Manager job internally. They asked for a writing exercise - 75 mins to read and summarize an article. I knew it was a tight turnaround immediately. Somehow I thought they were going to send the article ahead of time or something. They didn't. It was in the middle of the day, I was running late. And by the time I pulled out all my materials, 30 minutes had passed. 

It did not go well and decided to let it go. It was why I hadn't officially applied. I didn't want that stain on my record. 

Then in pops a woman I'd met before encouraging me to apply. Turns out it was the Devil. I should have known. I actually don't get the same outcomes as anyone with the same input. And definitely not a Becky. Her name was actually Becky. 

After her prodding, I applied. 

Yesterday, a hiring manager met with me and was like "they" felt my sample was "light on the results." I'm a terrible interviewer and what I'd always hoped to carry me was my actual skill. If my skill isn't up to par, I definitely can't rely on my interview skills.

I definitely want to withdraw. Eventhough I spent most of Saturday reformatting my presentation - it was mostly just to pass the time. I picked new formats and colors in PPT. Nothing mentally taxing. 

For whatever reason, my brain is pretending we need to mull it over. Do I see it to the end? Is not doing this something I will regret? Unlikely. 

I just hate feeling like I don't have any other options. Oh well. It's like getting your final prognosis. It's not looking good, lady.

I've been cheekily saying this is the house I die in. This is my last job. Mostly to resign myself to negative outcomes. But this just affirms it. 

I'm literally about to be laid off any day. I came so close to ...not... happiness, but at least my pursuit of FIRE.

Well I have enough to start THE FINAL COUNTDOWN basically anytime, but to know this is not a drill feels like.. .The Green Mile.

I can't believe this is how my story ends.