After Bonus Day - The Words I Would Say

 It's been a tormenting 3 days. I have at least 10 pages of comments on what I feel and want to say and want to plan and do. 

None of it has been happy. I tried to be happy and grateful. But I fluttered in an out of the dark place. I'm hoping writing it will help take some of it out of the vicious cycle in my brain. 

I don't have many tears left from the grief that was 2020, so it's just thoughts. And an eye twitch. 

Our Bonus Multiplier was 126%. I got 120.1% So it's not the actual amount because we're talking about a percentage of a percentage. 

For me it's a lot of feelings.

I have been feeling underpaid because I am 95% convinced my co-worker gets paid $130k which is $10k more than I make. And I'm not entirely convinced she produces the same level of output. But sometimes I do feel for her that if she received the same shoddy training as I did, then it's a bit understandable. But they presented it as they took over the call center so I expect her to be the expert. 

But as I learned recently my department is full of creative storytellers. 

I'm also convinced - 100% convinced - that the senior managers in my department get paid $130-$140k. And one lady who splits the job with me I think is closer to $140k. The issue is, I'm doing some of the work she should be doing. Not really her, but an unfilled role with her same title.

I just don't want to be picking up the slack for people who are getting paid more than me. Plain and simple. 

Secondly the bonus just felt whack. My personal colleague admits that she does just her work - nothing more, nothing less - and we got the same bonus number. That feels like a slap in the face. So I was insulted. My pride was wounded.  

Lots of reasons - I wanted this (something) to be the thing I was good at. I thought I was meant to be here. It doesn't feel like that anymore. Why does God hate me? 

I felt so much hurt on Thursday, I understood the appeal of self-harm. I had just watched Ginny and Ginger or whatever it's called. At the time, I'd thought why would anyone do that. But I get it. It's so much pain that you want someone else to feel it - with you, for you, instead of you. But there's no one else - just you in that hurt. You want a way to get it out of you. 

Luckily my threshold for pain is very low. Then I watched Court Cam and saw that there's such a thing as a cyanide capsule. Will have to see how to get one of those. Just in case. 

Anyway, after Bonus Day. I just kind of tuned out. I tried to move some work over to the other manager. That was a fail, my boss intercepted it. One project got put back on me and manager said she'd look into the other one. 

I'm proud of myself for not having a verbal reaction with my boss though. I did just try to emote disappointment, but I didn't verbalize it. I avoided one of her phone calls. I cancelled our birthday lunch. I moved my work hours to 8 hours and marked my calendar to Out-of-Office for all the hours outside of a 40 hour week (although that didn't stop her from scheduling an 8:30a meeting on Monday after 5p on Friday). I don't have an answer yet if she confronts me about any attitude changes. 

Then I was finally able to talk myself off the ledge. See the issue with coasting is: 

- I'll be disappointment by anyone who gets recognition or promoted from now until my departure. Because I wanted to be that person.  

-I didn't want, down the line, for someone else to get credit for something I wanted to do or fix but because I took the heads down approach, didn't do or fix. 

But when I did the math, the difference between a 100% bonus vs a 126% bonus wasn't enough for the minimum of 10+ hours of extra work it takes me to over-achieve. So that settled it for me. Math always tells the truth.   As for the promotion, it'll likely be My Buddy anyway. I've already started humbling myself to her anyway. It'll just make it that much easier to leave. I came, I saw, I failed. Miserably. 

But then I remembered, my job is actually not secure. It's a fact that the funding for the programs I was hired to manage is actually ending. I mean it was something I realized early on, but I think I thought I'd have more options by now? 

Now that the programs have actually made it official, I can't help but face the music. Did I pray for God to give me notice, but failed to ask for direction? What do I do now? 

If I stay

- I feel like a day laborer. Everyday is an unknown. I'm going to be CONSTANTLY ANXIOUS. My cortisol level already feels like it's always elevated and my body feels like a live wire most days. That doesn't feel sustainable. 

- I feel like I'm on a yearlong interview of whatever role they might craft for me. 

- And then when I was happier before bonus day - so more rational, I thought of a world where My Buddy's role would be split up into two. I don't want her direct reports.  The responsibilities would be okay but I know it would be another shaky handoff and I just don't want this outcome. 

- I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting to drown. What do I even do? How do I answer for my time? I'm too straightforward to pretend to look busy. It's so much chaos. How does this fit in with my decision to keep my head down? What does this look like? My eye is seriously twitching just typing this.

So what's option 2?

- Attempt to go back to Call Center #1?

- Attempt to go back to Call Center #2?

Anything can change but in this moment, the thought of going  back on the phones just fills me with dread. And I got so close to the salary I want. Ugh. 

Other Options

Look for a job internally - 

I can't go through another job hunt. I can't go through another interview. I've tried three times to get a Med Info job at this company and was unsuccessful. It would be too embarrassing to try and fail again. It was everything I feared - in 8 months of stress and anxiety, I have acquired no new marketable skill. 

Look for a job externally - 

The last job hunt nearly broke me. What am I talking. It broke me. I live in the house I'm going to die in. I don't know how close I am anymore to a tipping point. 

There are two things potentially pending internally.

The informal session I had with a regulatory writing manager. She said she'd pass my information along. I won't actively pursue them, but if they contact me, I'll play along.

The official application I submitted. Technically the last person they hired has no more relevant experience than me. But they've reposted the position after I applied. Last week, I'd crafted an email to request an informational session with the hiring manager but she was OOO so I didn't send it. I was planning to send it next week Tuesday. Do I still? I was thinking just to confirm that I wasn't qualified so I'm not waiting for nothing. 

But I'm not applying anywhere else. 

That led me to - this might be my final job. Getting here might have been the last application and recruitment I'll ever have to go through. I'll just ride the train as far as I can go. When it gets to be too much, I can jump off.

So it led me to The Final Countdown Budget. I don't even remember making it or what the dates were. 

Turns out it was set to start Dec 2021. How fortuitous! 

Remember when I was counting my chickens before they hatched - and I just knew given my history that something terrible was going to happen. 

I'm thinking back on applying

- Those 18 months were dark and scary.

- It was applying internally at Call Center #1 that eventually led to me leaving without a position. It would have been better not to have tried at all. I would have been comforted with the thought I could do that job better, not the confirmation that no one else thought so. 

- It was trying to be ambitious at Call Center #2 that led to some resentment there as well. 

It was following the advice of strangers on the internet and trying to compare myself to others that got me into this predicament in the first place. I never should have job hopped. And I never should have applied internally at Call Center #1. I don't have the same resilience as strangers on the internet. I take rejection very personally. I'm naturally risk-averse. I almost never have the same outcome following behind someone else. In hindsight, I had a good thing going at Call Center #1. Just kept my head down and kept going. It was why I stayed so long. Once I left the team with the horrible customers, I'd gotten into a good place again. 

I don't enjoy management, but I did think I had more to offer the world. 

I made the wrong choice. I didn't have a great social life, so I thought about making my life more about growing professionally. Now look where I am. 

I already knew I wasn't a follower. This wasn't a lesson I needed to learn at 37. 

So I can't go back or I don't want to go back - whichever you want to look at it. And I don't see a way forward. 

I can't believe I got so close. So close to my FIRE Goal. I think my journey ends here.  I'll be surprised if I make it the rest of the year at this job. It's too much change, too much chaos, and not enough structure. 

And I've already decided I can't re-enter the job hunt. I just can't. It'll just accelerate my already short timeline. 

So let's recap, Brain. 

Questions:

1) What do I do about this job? 

Answer: Ride this anxious gravy train as long as you can. Do just enough to get by. Do good work, but not great work. Detach as much as needed. Quit before if it threatens to overtake you. Technically The Final Countdown Budget only needed $250k to work. You've got that. The way I see it, you'll either fall short of 2 years (likely) in which case you begin The Final Countdown OR you'll make it 2 years (or whatever) to FIRE 500. Either way there's a plan. 

2) Do I apply internally?

No. It's too high risk psychologically. 

3) Do I apply externally?

No, it's too high risk psychologically.  Yes, if someone else actively pursues me and the application process is a known formality. 

4) What do I do about the internal clinical writer job?

Do nothing proactively. If they reach out to you, mirror their interest and take it as far they want. Do not emotionally invest. 

5) What do I do about the internal promotional regulatory role?

I don't know.

Do I withdraw my application? Seems a bit dramatic. 

Do I still reach out to Hiring Manager? Somehow Brain still wants to do this to confirm I'm not a good fit for whatever their expectations are so I can have a good explanation to myself or to whomever wants to shame me (unhelpful thought much?). If I do get this confirmation whether intuited or explicitly stated - then what? Do I withdraw then?  I think I only want to accept an interview if I speak to her before hand. So I think that's my primary motivation. I feel in my gut they would probably offer me an interview because I'm internal. And I would want to know going into it either what to expect or whether I should accept the interview at all.

So yes. I will send out the email next Tuesday to request an informal session. The more information I'm armed with, the less anxious I am and the more informed my decision-making. 

6) Do I still take that $2k course in promotional labelling? Yes, cuz why not. I never tire of learning new things. 

Ok, well, in this moment that definitely helped.

Ok, summarize again.

Keep going. Apply for nothing. Try to coast. Be a good employee but try not to willingly take on any work not in your remit. Be nice to your boss. Still play as if you're going for just the 100% bonus target.  If they split up your Buddy's role to give more responsibility to you, just keep going as long as you can. Try not to focus on other people's salary. Just take out the thought of trying to re-negotiate or make any huge changes or come to any new realizations. Swallow all your pride, thoughts, better ideas, questions, ways of working. All you're trying to do now is survive, not change the world. That time has passed. You already know that. Stop listening to strangers on the internet. Stop trying to live someone else's story. 

Summarizing again - Be kind (God demands it). Be likeable (maybe?). Just keep swimming (that's all you can do until you can't).