I think telling myself not to work on nights and weekends is actually aggravating the problem. Once I tell myself not to do something, it's the only thing I want to do. So human, right! What evolutionary biology is this?? Even work, why would I want to do work I'm not being compensated for.
That woman has bewitched me.
I think a lot of it is because I have nothing else to do. And for whatever reason maybe I want to prove her wrong? Maybe I just want to surpass My Buddy because she has given no indication that I am a threat to her in any way? What sense does that make - to fight a losing battle? I'm confused with what my brain is doing right now!
I wish I could just ask:
Who is outperforming me on our team?
What level of output, effort, impact is expected? Who is the model employee?
I just hate being left in the dark and relying on my own preconceived notions. I like facts. I need context. I can't keep working like this. But what choice do I have?
It just doesn't match. Is My Buddy really the model employee? How was she even trained?
The training I received was inadequate at best. How else could I have shown or told you that the level of effort required to perform at this so called "basic level."
I wish I had the courage to walk away. I wish I had the courage to do less? I wish I had the courage to work for only what I am compensated for. I wish I had the privilege to demand answers. I wish I had the experience of knowing that my needs would be met.
I think I'm just disappointed that my My Boss has been seducing me with her kind words and attention but it's really just to lull me into overperforming without compensation. I can't cash compliments, I say! But I do the work for free anyway!
I have a sour attitude, and I don't know how to get the answers or results I want.
How can I find my calm in this sea of chaos?
Why aren't I cleaning my house or my body?
I think part of the struggle is reconciling my perception, the beliefs I came in with, what people are saying vs what people are doing. Should I believe the truth I've spun or what my boss is feeding me because they are 2 different stories? God, help!!
What's the wise thing to do?
How do I get those nights and weekends back? By trying to recompense the time and effort lost, am I just punishing myself? Are those going to be future consequences for me to navigate?
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