Life as a side-chick

 So while my boss reassured me a couple days ago that my job was secure, I have now spiraled back to normal setting - nervous nelly. 

I need structure! I need to feel like I'm heading towards a direction. When your entire job is "other duties as assigned" how do you ever get good at anything. I feel like I'm an unofficial project manager for processes for which I'm not an expert in.

And my manager loves to point out other people running projects for which they have no expertise. So this adds to the anxiety. 

I'm trying to update some of my own personal finance spreadsheets to soothe my soul, but it refuses to be soothed. I can't stop thinking about work. I hate my friends (?). I hate everything.

I know my boss told me my job is secure. But some emails in my inbox make me feel like a failure or that there's some unspoken disappointment. 

Back on the rollercoaster. All I can think is this isn't what I signed up for. The thought of even being promoted to AD is sickening. I don't even like this level of managerial oversight.  Why aren't I better at this? 

How do people fake it so well? I know I'm performing at a higher level than my colleagues but why do I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Like, legitimately I don't know what I'm doing. 

I was supposed to be off yesterday and today, but I've been on the computer all morning just to be near my work email. I even tried turning off the ipad last night... that lasted until I woke up. 

I did update my personal spreadsheet which distracted me for a couple hours because I took the long route. I thought I was going to ditch 2 of the 3 budgeting apps and just stick with one, but alas one of them is finally able to load my everyday account so now I can use that app to track my expenses after all.  I need to unlink the accounts in Fidelity but since I don't really need to deactivate it since it's my employer's 401k provider, I'm going to let it be until I log on again. 

I feel close to my goal, but yet far away. I'm net neutral.

I made a plan to get out more. My city's visitor's bureau outlined some driving trails with sites of interest. The goal would be to hit up one new site per week/weekend. We'll see. I guess it'll be a default if I need something to do. I was supposed to go eat lunch at the lake today, but look where I am. 

I know I don't want to work nights and weekends, but I also want to at least keep achieving. 

I know I don't want to keep putting in the same level of effort and output if I'm not getting paid more than my teammates. But how do I get concrete data on that? Do I dare ask my boss or do I keep trying to let it go? It's been a week now. 

Here's the thing, there were at least a couple things that I didn't provide my input on (but wanted to)... and it was fine. It would have taken me a lot of effort for something that didn't end up mattering. I know that now, but I guess the tricky part is it's not always going to be that way. Or maybe it will?

I wish I could ask... can you give me an example of behavior or effort or output or impact of someone on our team who scored higher than 120 or higher than 126%?  At least anything I do or don't do won't be a shot in the dark. I can reassess if what she's looking for is something achievable for me or something I aspire to.

I think that's what helped me quit teaching. I realized the effort required to be a good teacher was more than I was willing to put forth. 

Anyway, it's hot and I'm not hungry enough for a picnic. What do I do with the rest of the day?