Day 3 - I guess I cry now

I guess I cry now when I feel overwhelmed. I only started crying in 2015, then it stopped. Then my aunt died last year and then it just happens all the time. 

I don't even know why I'm crying right now. 

I feel ...alone?

Maybe the weight of celebrating my birthday completely alone tomorrow is too much. I just feel overcome with emotion. 

Maybe its's all the nasty thoughts I had about my boss. Which, I mean, those things are still true but somehow today I just want to love her. 

I just want to believe that she cares about me and is invested in my success.

But then there are the days where I just don't know. 

I'm not good at being mean. I always feel bad knowing I hurt someone's feelings. 

I feel bad now for cancelling the lunch when I'm not even as convicted about why I did it. This morning my boss scheduled a check-in to assure me that my job was still stable and secure.  I don't know why that touched me, but it did. 

I wondered why now and what led to that. I'm not entirely sure someone wasn't whispering in her ear. But who?

See and with that, I'm not crying anymore. I'm starting to get mad again. 

Anyway, I think I just feel bad that I was intentionally trying to hurt her feelings when she's been trying to be nice to me. I get confused easily. It's so easy for me to get lulled by people's words even when you have actions to the contrary. 

Or I feel bad that I'm trying to do less work when she claims she's trying to develop me.

Speaking of...

Things I wish I didn't do :

- I had tried to commit to not admitting to things I don't know (everyone else just pretends or doesn't fess up) or when I make mistakes, but at least twice today I admitted to not being an expert on something and not having a good grasp of another process.